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I'm still in shock that I have ben lied to for years!! YEARS! Behaviors didn't make sense for a long time. I was naive and believed when he said didn't know what was wrong with him. Originally, he told me it wasn't me. That changed. He became more distant and more detached. The more he unplugged from me and family, the more I plugged in. Responsible for everything for years. I feel like a fool. Behaviors where so off the wall in the fall and I was really worried for him, thought he had a psychotic break. Honestly thought he was doing drugs. After months of this I pulled up next to him in a rest area. Worst gay cruising rest area in the state. Confronted him and he still lied.
There is no turning back, divorce can't happen fast enough! I need support. Is there a zoom mtg? Is there a live chat?
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I'd suggest you jump onto the main SSN webpage at straightspouse.org and click on the "contact us" link to send a support request. Then expect one of their first responders to reach out to you. There are also support groups in a number of places but I expect almost all meetings are virtual these days.
In the mean time we've compiled a pinned post in the general section of this board that we called the first aid kit. Worth a read, even if some parts are not applicable to you. There are also many people here who have much wisdom gained by experience.
Overwhelmed is probably the main emotion most of us have initially. Don't panic, remember to breathe. Get your bearings and then choose a direction. Don't blame yourself for believing your spouse when he said he didn't know what was wrong with him. There's nothing to feel foolish about here. Also don't minimize what you saw leading up to this event or any falsehoods that were offered. We all have the right to set our boundaries and which way our moral compass points.
You can also use this board to help you in your journey. Ask questions, vent, work through the shock, anger, hurt. You will likely experience many emotions. It can be a bit of a roller coaster but you can survive it.
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Brighter,
So sorry. It is a shock.
Like getting hit by a bus.
Advice given is correct, breathe, get your bearings. Read the first aid thread. You don't need to try to solve everything all at once.
I found sticking to my routines helped me keep calmer and give some normalcy to my life..just stoic resolve. I also learned to be by myself and realized I was ok..I did not lie, cheat or hurt myself. Start building a support system.
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Thank you. I’m still trying to find a counselor or therapist. I just need someone to talk to. I have two very dear friends that I have leaned on throughout this. They have been wonderful but can’t direct me from a place they haven’t been. Pandemic isn’t helping the situation. I am safe and not in the same home as he is. That is a blessing.
I caught him. Actually had no idea, thought he was involved in drugs due to his behavior. He actually tried to blame me for where I found him. Gaslighting. Ha! Didn’t even realize that is what it was called all these years! Then he felt bad, never admitted or was completely honest. Then he changed his story that he had a porn addiction. I don’t know if I believed that or wanted to believe that. Regardless, he lied. He’s lied for a long time. It’s been 3 months since my world exploded. A tiger doesn’t change his stripes, behaviors are coming back. Before I was to accept and have compassion for his inability to connect and his ER. I did. Now I supposed to have sympathy for how hard his therapy is.
I’m not and I won’t! He has apologized to the kids for never being there. Has given me all the credit for raising them. I don’t need his credit and they don’t need to be told that, they lived it. He Wasn’t honest in the least about anything else, just said I found him in a place that he should not have been and he was ashamed. What he needs to be ashamed about is his deception, the way he treated me and our children.. He’s ashamed of himself, which is the entire problem.
He used me and them as a cloak. He couldn’t face himself, be honest with himself and lied to me. He knew I had commitment to him, our marriage and family. He knew the truth all along. Had I known the truth I would have left long ago.
I’m trying to prepare the house to sell, get divorced and be done!!
There is no turning back.
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Thank you Rob. I'm trying to do just as you say and take care of myself and be faithful to a routine. I wish I could remain focused so my thoughts don't start swirling. When that happens it's paralyzing. I know it's going to take along time too process this. Maybe I'll never get over the calculated deception. My hope is to find and surround myself with people who have.
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There will be brighter days. I didn't''t sign on for this. His deception is what is so appalling. He used every excuse imaginable and all that left me with having commission for his inabilities. The realization that he was so calculating, is absolutely heartbreaking. I did put in a request and someone emailed last night and again today. I'm hoping I can connect with someone soon.
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There will be brighter days. I didn't''t sign on for this. His deception is what is so appalling. He used every excuse imaginable and all that left me with having commission for his inabilities. The realization that he was so calculating, is absolutely heartbreaking. I did put in a request and someone emailed last night and again today. I'm hoping I can connect with someone soon.
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Brighter Days,
You'll be ok. You are seeing clearly. It is heartbreaking, hurts, and will continue to hurt while you think through just how deep and how far his deceptions go, but you will be ok. I can tell by the way you are thinking about what he's done. The insights will help counter the pain, and they will give you strength.
Signed, one who has been through it.
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Thank you. I appreciate your kindness. I'm praying for that outcome. I so want to be OK. I know I'm not right now. I am on a rollercoaster of emotions and I want to get off! I finally found a counselor and have a zoom mtg tomorrow. I'm hoping the reason it took so long was because I had to connect with the right person to help me. I've read plenty on this board, and many have found ways to be whole again. I want that too. I'll work hard for it. I deserve it. I absolutely don't deserve what has happened. I can't change that. I can change every day moving forward. I have to and will break this horrible cycle.