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    January 18, 2021 8:41 pm  #1

    LoneWolf
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    Telling people outside inner circle

    I'm at a loss as to how to explain what's going on, even in really vague terms, to people in my outer circle - with whom I interact with more than my inner circle, sometimes. Ex. coworkers, boss, acquaintances, registrars at my child's schools (etc)

    I don't intend be a spectacle, but when my work is suffering or I'm visibly not myself, I'd like to feel like I have a go to way to framing the situation that isn't taxing on me or the person I'm talking to.

    Has anyone settled on a nice approach? Looking for examples to see what may or may not work.

     

    January 18, 2021 10:18 pm  #2

    Ellexoh_nz
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    Re: Telling people outside inner circle

    Lonewolf..,I get on well with my older daughter, I'm Abuelita to her 2 boys and she was one of the first people in my inner circle I told. I told my 2 youngest children a little while later.
    But before my adult children I actually confided in my oldest and dearest friend who I hardly see and who lives in the US. She was mortified and so surprised but supportive finally.
    I don't have anybody... Apart from my doctor and counselor... I feel nobody deserves to know such intimate info about my life. Maybe if an acquaintance noticed something not quite right.,..I may say something, but would ALWAYS be mindful of the possible ramifications of doing so.
    I'll  know when the time is right and be mindful of the affect it may have on my family. People can be so thoughtless

    Elle

    KIA KAHA                       
     

    January 19, 2021 10:22 am  #3

    ThisTooShallPass
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    Re: Telling people outside inner circle

    I have only told one person (my closest sibling) outside of therapy.  However, I don't work outside the home, and my kids are not in school.  So I don't have to deal with coworkers, teachers, etc., and the pandemic has lessened that 'outer circle' quite a bit right now, thankfully.

    My husband told a few people that he knew would support him unconditionally some of the details, you know to build his little "support group" cause he always needs that pat on the back, but I don't know how much full truth he tells them, and I've seen some outright lies, but I guess that's how you maintain that unconditional support.  However, his go-to otherwise is a generic "marital problems" if people notice. Especially with coworkers, because he can imply it is his job that has caused issues between us. 

     

    January 19, 2021 10:36 am  #4

    OutofHisCloset
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    Re: Telling people outside inner circle

    My ex and I worked together, and our workplace had laws against "outing."  So although I told only a few people there whom I thought I could trust, someone reported me, and I was threatened with disciplinary action for speaking the truth of my life. I don't know your work situation, but that is something to be aware of.  

    I tend to think that especially early on we find it important to verbalize the specifics ("I found out my husband is gay"), but it might be enough with the "outer circle" to say something less specific that will let them know there are challenges on the home front.   When I divorced my now-ex I think a lot of people assumed it was because of an extramarital affair, because it was clear that I was upset and wouldn't have chosen to divorce after more than three decades of marriage if it weren't something serious. 

     

    Last edited by OutofHisCloset (January 19, 2021 10:36 am)

     

    January 19, 2021 1:39 pm  #5

    Deceivedandsad
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    Re: Telling people outside inner circle

    I have only told about 5 people what is really going on.

    Is it just my own ego that I don’t want to shout from the mountains why I am about to lose my marriage?

    My family and his will be shattered. My children will be devastated... I don’t even know if I can do this...

    But if I can... what do I say? He says he hates himself for this... he hates the pain he has caused, and he is finally seeking help. I am not sure it is quite enough to save us, and I am still not sure it is something I can live with... he says he loves me... and I know he has tried. But can I love him back? And is it a husband/wife love anymore?

    This all sucks. Everything about everything sucks.
    All the good times and the happy times are tarnished in such a way that I can’t see them as they were...

    He is devastated, and so am I.... and I feel like the more honesty I try to tell, the more devastation we will wreak.

    WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN EVER???

     

    January 20, 2021 6:25 pm  #6

    Whatwillbe21
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    Re: Telling people outside inner circle

    Deceived and sad I feel your pain. I look back at my married and our life and none of it is the same. Ite devastating.  My husband wont talk much it's like we are strangers and haven't been together for the last 17years.

    It's not fair 😖

     

    January 21, 2021 12:29 pm  #7

    Leslie77
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    Re: Telling people outside inner circle

    I'm one year out of the marriage, but the pain is still fresh.  One of the worst aspects for me was what to tell people.  We had many mutual friends.  They used to comment that we had such a perfect marriage.  Little did they know ... 

    I told about 5 people the reason why I left  -  he is a cross dresser, gay-in-denial, liar and I cannot trust him.  I had a stock answer for everyone else - "We mutually agreed to split up."  If anyone asked why, my favorite answer was "I'd like to tell you someday but not today."  If I was in a bad mood I just said I didn't want to talk about it. 

    I moved to another state and don't see our acquaintances anymore.  He can tell them whatever he wants.  I don't care.  

     

    January 21, 2021 1:06 pm  #8

    SusanneH
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    Re: Telling people outside inner circle

    I’ve only told my sister, and that’s just so I could tell someone. I knew she wouldn’t judge, however she really doesn’t understand and some of the suggestions she’s given shows it, such as (this was a little over a month after the 2nd disclosure) “Life is short. You can’t spend it upset.....”. So, she thought I should be over it by then. She didn’t mean anything by it, just didn’t understand. She’s fortunate, as she’s never had her husband cheat on her......oh, the bliss.
    SO, I’m stuck in the closet with my husband. He says if anyone here were to find out, he’d have to move somewhere where no one knows him at all. We live in the Southern US in a small, conservative town. I’d like to talk to our pastor about it, but noooooo, he doesn’t want him to know at all. So, it’s forums, a nice group on FB for MOMs, ...just online. 
    And, today is one of those days where we’ve argued & argued, where when he left we still hadn’t cleared it up, and I’m left with ...again, no one to talk to. My sister wouldn’t understand anyway, so I don’t want to bother her anymore about it. Alone again (I wasn’t able to have children...so no one there. I’m high risk for COVID, so can’t even go anywhere,,,,,,sigh ).
    Sorry for the downer. Just had the argument, and not feeling very ‘up’.

     

    January 21, 2021 1:54 pm  #9

    Ellexoh_nz
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    Re: Telling people outside inner circle

    Leslie77 wrote:

    I'm one year out of the marriage, but the pain is still fresh.  One of the worst aspects for me was what to tell people......... .,I moved to another state and don't see our acquaintances anymore.  He can tell them whatever he wants.  I don't care.  

     
    Yeah that's really not fair. Your ex won't be feeling the same pain as you for sure.

    When my situation was still fresh I was reading published accounts of women who has gone through what we have and I remember saying to myself..." I wish *I* could do that"... So I wrote a short piece, focusing on the unfairness of it all, sent it to the online newspaper in my city, intending to ask for anonymity if it was published. I included my phone number and the very next day after sending it my mobile rang but I didn't get to it in time, and they didn't leave a message.
    So it may have been a call back about my story. Or not. I'll never know, but I wish I'd pursued it.
    This is my story to tell. Yours is your story to tell..!
    It may help alleviate your pain to write it down, even send it 'somewhere' to be published.

    And if you ever see anybody you know from that horrible, destructive time... Or you ever get the chance to drop that bombshell into a conversation
    ..... well... breathe deeply and tell it

    Elle 
     

    Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (January 21, 2021 9:24 pm)

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