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October 22, 2016 1:13 pm  #1

asking for a friend-- is this "proof"

Hey all.

A male friend has been struggling for many years with the feeling his wife is GID-- years of bizarre and very sexual-looking behaviors around women including preening, self-touching and open flirting, heated eye contact, etc.

He has been turning to me for insights and reality-testing ("from a woman's POV, what do you think about this:____?") His lament all along has been that he is inundated with "hints" but never a speck of proof of any kind.

So by now I'm pretty familiar with his stories and his fears and what they're based on.

But then last night, he mentioned something for the very first time that seemed like a red flag if I've ever heard one, and I told him so in no uncertain terms; but my reaction (that I see it as proof) totally took him aback, to the extent that I started to doubt my own assessment (it felt like gaslighting-by-assocation.)

Short version is, he mentioned, quite in passing like "no big deal," that his fears had been somewhat manageable until several years ago when this happened: upon coming home from a business trip his wife left her suitcase on the bed and in moving the suitcase to the floor to go to bed, my pal, the husband, says he found drenched panties, his wife's, there on top of the other clothes, not hidden at all. Having been married for a long time he says he immediately recognized the smell --I'll try to be delicate here-- as the very most intimate sexual fluids from her body, as he's well acquainted with them after years of marriage and a sex life that alternated between "meh" and occasionally out of control intense-- always after she'd come home from business trips.

Apparently when he asked her about the sex-drenched panties she "candidly" and "innocently" (his words) explained that she'd shared a room at the hotel with a lesbian colleague, who had shared late into the night many stories of her sex life-- describing lesbian sex acts with various women in some detail.

My friend's wife explained "innocently" that this was very arousing, and she got very wet, and fell asleep. And was awakened in the night by an orgasm; and then "found herself" "masturbating while thinking of women's bodies."

And this was the "simple" and "innocent" explanation provided to my friend by his wife for why these panties were in the condition described above, and, after she "explained it away" with no anxiety and no embarrassment, she dropped the subject calmly as if the matter were unworthy of further discussion of any kind.

As a straight woman, I can't fathom this as any kind of thing a straight woman would have this sexual and emotional reaction to; to me this is a red flag, times about a thousand, that his wife is GID. But then, I am a scorched-earth-left-for-dead survivor of a sociopathic GIDx, so, maybe I'm biased? maybe I'm jumping to conclusions?

I have urged this fellow to come onto the forum and share this story but I don't know if he's willing, so I'm asking.

Thoughts? Does such an event as described above raise any red flags for anyone else on here or just me?

Last edited by Billie (October 22, 2016 7:37 pm)


October 22, 2016 1:33 pm  #2

Re: asking for a friend-- is this "proof"

jk - maybe because we don't want to jump to conclusions that so affect our lives. But also it can be hard to come to the acceptance that we were so blind (willing or unwillingly) to the truth. Simple questions like Why? How? are so human.

Billie - for your friend I would suggest a cool but observant going forward perspective. Does she travel often? Always with others? Always sharing rooms? Packing lingerie of a non-practical nature? Then there are the other usual suspects - phone security, texts messages that are never shared, unusual visits to friends for shopping, coffee, etc. She may have some lesbian interest but does it go beyond fantasy and affect the marriage? Obviously he's always welcome here if he needs to talk.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

October 22, 2016 7:11 pm  #3

Re: asking for a friend-- is this "proof"


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


October 22, 2016 7:58 pm  #4

Re: asking for a friend-- is this "proof"

Based on what you have described I'd be inclined to say she is gay. Others might say Bi. Regardless, sounds like he can let her reveal or he can try and find out. If he goes that route the  loss of trust and intimacy pretty says the marriage is in serious trouble.


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