Sue,
My heart aches for you and your children. Your entire world has been dumped upside down. Everything you thought you knew, and valued, and trusted evaporated before your face. You're angry, scared, and so very sad. You are worried about your kids. I have had to come to terms with the fact that my entire 30 year marriage was probably a scam. Even though we can find support, no one truly gets the layers of the betrayal unless they have lived it. I've found it's many steps forward with some backward, then forward again. I'm still working my way through, and just when I think I'm fine, something out of the blue hits me and I'm temporarily backslide.  Just remember to care for yourself, sending hugs.

OMG Sue - I'm so sorry.  I know what it's like to have an emotionless mother.  What you mentioned was spot on.  You can tell my mom all day long: Mom, what you're saying is rude and unacceptable behavior.  Or Mom, it's really hurtful when you call me xxxx.  To which she will reply either: it's my place as a mother, or, that's what family is for is to tell the truth, or, you're too sensitive.  In reality, she is bat shit crazy and always has been.  No one should have to hear how bad they look, how bad their hair looks, they are anorexic (I'm far from it), etc. etc.  I'm actually pretty damn attractive!  And thank God I realized it because if I didn't she could have destroyed me.  She started the emotional abuse when I was about 10 and by some miracle, I realized it as soon as it started.

I can not imagine living with her.  She's in her 80s and still as cold, rude, and as emotionless as the chair in front of me.  Just this weekend at Father's Day lunch she said: I sure do miss xxxx (let's call my GID ex, Bob). I feel so sorry for him.  Bob was such a nice man and so upper class.  WTF???  Such a nice man?  He lied to your daughter for 12 years and never even came to visit you except for twice a year when I made him.  You didn't even know him and we lived in the same city you crazy old bat!  And upper class?  wtf is that all about I have no idea.  I seriously wanted to reach across the table and punch her in the bee-hive wearing head.  But...I'm not a violent person so I told her calmly that she needed to reassess her opinion and it was me she should be concerned about.  To which she replied: oh ya, you too and laughed. 

Questions:  Is she there to stay for good?  Do you live in the same house?  You need to get away from this person or at least get several good breaks.  Ramp up that job search and get yourself out of that house.  I know it's hard but trust me when I tell you that a change of scenery will eventually make a ton of difference. 

She has made it clear that you can't share feelings with her (I've experienced the same - I've shared feelings only to have them used against me later).  These people (mothers or not) are not worthy of our emotions.  It's sad but true.  Find support elsewhere.  Cry alone in the shower (that was my favorite place).  Use your therapist or a friend to talk to.  The last thing you need is more emotional manipulation and that's exactly what you're getting from her. 

Hang in there Sue.  You can do this.

Last edited by Still Wondering (June 21, 2016 9:31 am)

First of all, you have NOTHING to be embarrassed or ashamed about.  The fact that you couldn't see that your ex was gay means that you trusted him.  You trusted your husband.  You loved him and turned your heart over to him and believed that he had your best interest at heart - just like you did his.  Just like you're supposed to when you're married.  It's not your fault that you were blinded.  He did that knowingly.  He was not telling you the truth, but he was also knowingly deceiving you about it.  He had the chance to tell you outright, and he didn't - he decided to keep you in the dark so that he could maintain the status quo.  That's not YOUR fault, Sue.  You literally need to envision that guilt as something physical that you can put into a box.  Then you need to put it down mentally.  Envision driving it to a cliff and tossing it over the edge.  Then any time you go back to that place of feeling stupid for not knowing, you tell yourself "I'm not holding that box any longer.  I tossed it away.  I refuse to go get it again".  Period.  It really does help.

Now, as for your mother.  That's a doozie.  This whole thing is because you have two different personality types, and you process information and emotions differently.  Go do an online Myers-Briggs personality survey - I'll bet you're a feeler.  Your mom is likely a thinker.  Two different ways of "being" - neither of which you can or should necessarily change. Have her take the quiz, too.  Then compare the descriptions, and how the two are different.  It may help.  It'll certainly help you to understand yourself better, and that you're not messed up so much as a type - a type that your mother doesn't understand.  She should have learned by now that not everyone is the same, but there are certain types that only see the world through their own lens, and don't account any other "right" ways of doing things.

In the meantime, you can tell her that opening the door and shouting "WE NEED RAIN" outside won't suddenly make it rain - even if it IS the truth.  She is not God - she cannot speak things into existence.  Tell her that you're in pain and in mourning and have lots of confusion - telling her that you need to get over it isn't HELPING you - it's making you feel like you need to be someone else around her or she won't accept you for who you are.  That in your worst times, she's adding to the stress of trying to heal by telling you you're doing it wrong.

If I had to guess, you're still in a mourning phase.  That's a very emotionally draining time, and you can't get "over" it - you have to get through it to get to the other side and be in a healthy place.  Stuffing it under the rug may work, but you'll trip over it later until you deal with it then.  There are no true shortcuts in mourning.

The other thing you're likely dealing with is trauma.  This kind of situation has that sort of effect on some of us - probably all of us, to some degree.  Trauma is..... traumatic.  Lol.  Maybe speak to your psychologist about getting in to see the psychiatrist, and speak to him/her about getting on an antidepressant that can help you feel less pain while you heal.  It can be very difficult to get better when you're still in the trenches.  Getting some help there can be really advantageous.

On a practical note, you need to make plans for things that make you happy - or at least things that act like a balm.  If you feel a huge void when the kids leave, make plans for what you're going to do with that first two hours.  Maybe it's pulling out right behind them to go mosey around a book store.  Maybe it's making plans with a good friend to go out to dinner.  Maybe it's going to a concert in the park.  Or even taking the dog for an immediate walk.  If you plan nothing, you feel the nothingness more distinctly.  Give yourself something to look forward to and it may help.

I'm sorry you're going through this.  There really is no timeline - it's all very individual to you, your situation, your personality, your support network, etc.  it's over when it's over.

Hi Sue.... so sorry to hear you are going thru this.  I am 3 years post TGT., divorced, moved, new relationship and very happy it all happened (yes, it is possible!).... but, i am writing you to share something that really helped me in the first year or so.  I kept a journal and specifically used it to vent my full feelings (because they were very ugly and I needed to be able to express them without censuring myself).  I also journaled every single accomplishment I made... and I am talking no matter how small... like paid a bill that day, made 1 phone call to inquire about divorce issue, BBQ'd my first time, took a walk, fed the animals and myself .... all the way to huge things like bought a house on my on, arranged the move of my horse to the new house, hooked up wireless internet on my own.  You get the idea... keep track of all of your accomplishment... look back on them... realize your growth...congratulate yourself and celebrate your strength . You too will get thru this.  Best wishes.