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January 6, 2021 5:34 pm  #1


I feel like an idiot today, about my choice 29 years ago...

I don't think many people did what I did: marry a man, whom I knew was gay... Why? I wasn't well informed; I thought I could change him, I thought we would be happy for ever.... it seemed to have worked 'really well' for at least 20 years. We immigrated. We had one shared email account. We also had one shared bank account.  After about 14 months, he was employed. And, he opened his own bank account, as well as his own email account, but still shared the other ones.... Then after another 2 years I started missing the affection...or have I always missed it??We had a serious discussion, and I was told, if I can't accept that, our paths might have to split. I tried to accept that... We did not have much to talk about in the evenings, and I took my laptop and he always watched TV. I thought of studying as I have all this time in the evenings... Then he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and had the operation. I stood by him, all the time. After about a year or so, we tried to have intimacy, but as you can imagine, this did not go well. It was more about him, and not really about me as well. He said the operation took away his manhood or manliness. Eventually I said this must be embarrassing for him, and so we stopped. Also stopped just being physically close to each other - I started studying for a year AND worked full time, and he "felt lonely and made online friends, some are gay but there's no physical connection as they live overseas". He also started supporting them financially which he did not tell me at the time. We shared a bank account, and even though I earn more, we put monies together and are 'open and honest about what is being done with that". Well, at least I was... At some stage we have had the conversation again about affection, just cuddles and holding hands and putting an arm around me, and promises were made again, but it didn't last long. I stopped fighting for that and we just carried on with our 'normal lives'. We moved due to a job offer on my side, and about a year after we settled into our new home, I asked him to share with me the conversation he is having on his phone; he said that he doesn't have to show me, he will just tell me: he's been watching porn for years and it does nothing to him. Lots of men watch porn but he doesn't see why it's wrong to look at a guy's beautiful body. I was taken back, and could not believe that the word 'porn' is even mentioned in our household. It took me about 3 weeks to get over that. Also, I started studying again for about 30 weeks while working full time, and he was on his phone day and night. (He does have a fulltime job, but has enough time to be on the phone during the day). He was worse than a teenager using his phone. When we go away for a weekend, or just sight seeing on a Saturday, or just having lunch with friends, or just walking on the beach, the phone has to go along, and then we had the conversation after the studies: he said, that since we have accepted so well, that our eldest son is gay, he has now fully accepted that he has always been gay, it has never gone away over the years, and that he can't offer me sex anymore. He also blamed my studies a while ago, and said he was very lonely and found online friends. But he refused to let me see their conversations. After pushing, he eventually told me that he supports them financially and mentioning was made in some messages about amounts. I was very upset because he hid that from me, and said that our monies are for us as a family and overseas family who are in need. He said that we should consider an open marriage agreement. I disagreed and said that was against my belief system. I was ready to move out and on, and started looking for apartments etc. We have also talked about what I would take with me – tread mill, washing machine etc...I was immensely sad and thought that he was throwing away 28 years of marriage, good memories etc. The reality of gay men STILL didn't hit me, and then the 'tide turned'. After 2 days, he suddenly said, that 'we have to really think carefully as we don't want to land in financial trouble and that moving will cost me a lot of money etc. And so we have decided we would try again, and we will be physically together again, - because he KNOWS I need affection! - and holding hands, and visiting our friends together, and still sharing our money (I earn more than he does!). We tried this for 4 months: when we visit friends, he takes photos of them again, when we go see places, he takes photos and videos again for his online friends. We agreed to support only one of his friends financially. But something didn't sit right with it all. I somehow began to feel suspicious again. I queried him about the fact that I still don't know anything about his account; he has never revealed anything to me. He still hasn't and would share any conversations to his online friends with me. I felt that we are just together for the sake of two incomes, and a week ago, I told him that we should sign separation documents as this is not working for me. In my heart I felt that he is using me, 'keeping me happy physically' so that he can continue his life his way...  I told him that he embarrasses me when he is on his phone at friends, and he doesn't take part in normal conversations. I also said that I don't want to stand in his way of making friends again or limited him with time on his phone. I also said we need to separate our income and work from there whatever needs to be paid. Two days ago we went for a walk as friends and I asked him what our sex felt like for him, as a gay man. He said, it was never about him, he wanted to satisfy my needs. THEN I realised I could never have satisfied him, even though I adored him, I loved him to the moon and back, he was my world, I poured out my love upon him, but little did I realise that he would NEVER appreciate that, as this was not what he wanted. Asking him why he married me, he said because of pressure from society, family and friends and the church. He would often cry to tell me he is sorry he could never give me what I really wanted. (I am now sick of that 'song'). What he said next, stays with me, and I hear it over and over again: "Well, at least we don't have to pretend anymore..." Who was pretending? ME???? I wasn't!!!! Don't count me in. What I now do, is scanning back into history, our history, to see the flaws, I need evidence so that I can push him away, not love him anymore... It hurts, because I was only 24, but I finished my teaching degree, innocent, so naive had no good relationship with my mother as she is very selfish, to this day...loved my dad, but thought I can handle this battle on my own, so I didn't tell anyone at the time... My parents love him. We own a house together, and our wills are written to benefit each other. I just don't know how to move on from here; we used to go to places together, and he was always in charge of finances, car care, paying bills.... I need to stand up, get on my feet, do things for myself, go out with friends, meet new people, I am so scared to even think I have to trust another man again in the future if I want to date again. For the first time in my life I now have to think of me...I don't know how to do that but I guess this will take time... Is there anyone who made the same mistake? I have told two overseas friends but obviously they can't relate...I think this is the worst school holiday in my entire life...and I don't sleep well, toss and turn and think. Better get busy!


"Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32).
 

January 7, 2021 3:14 am  #2


Re: I feel like an idiot today, about my choice 29 years ago...

Time you started taking back some of the substance and joy he's obviously taken from the life you thought you shared together. One of the first things I did was get a separate bank account (we're still together and had always had a joint account) and changed my will so all he would get is a pittance.
My circumstances are different, I don't work but my partner has always shared what  we had with me. These days he could be syphoning  off money into his own account for all I know.

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

January 7, 2021 5:00 am  #3


Re: I feel like an idiot today, about my choice 29 years ago...

Thank you Longwayhome and Elle, my own account is definitely due. Gosh I have to pinch myself - can't believe I am on such a forum, (amazing!) having these conversations...but it will carry me through. Thank you so much; I have also read through the 'First Aid' page which is incredibly helpful, as I keep asking myself, why did I allow this marriage, why why why...but it's done...I truly loved him, trusted him with my whole life, many other young couples looked at us as 'the very happy couple'... I think gay people can be unbelievably selfish...I clearly see it now...I was so shocked to see this is how he manages our money. He was the one who always said 'trust me,'. 


"Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32).
     Thread Starter
 

January 7, 2021 12:54 pm  #4


Re: I feel like an idiot today, about my choice 29 years ago...

Beijoux wrote:

....He was the one who always said 'trust me,'. 

I'm so relieved I eventually saw I had to protect myself first and foremost and took the time to find good people to give me advice, like the woman at the bank who helped me set up my own bank account, and who knew how to get statements of our joint account without my partner knowing I'd done it. The counselor who let me talk and asked the right questions so I'd figure out more myself.
The very few confidantes I have who know just about everything, my youngest son for example.

When you make your own account Beijoux don't feel he should know about it right away, but think about how many things he's kept from you. When it does come up in conversation... Look him straight in the eye when you say "it's my independence from you,
... and smile 😊

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

January 7, 2021 1:34 pm  #5


Re: I feel like an idiot today, about my choice 29 years ago...

Beijoux,

My GX also handled all the finances for the family.

I remember it well.
I made my own bank account in tears at the bank.  But I told the bank lady why I was making it ( not the gay thing) and she seemed understanding.  Didnt plan on telling a stranger but when you're crying and your hands are shaking...

Im years away now and my life is so much happier and safer.   And the finances were not hard to do as my GX had me believe...

Prayers and best wishes on your journey.  Walk on.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

January 8, 2021 1:20 am  #6


Re: I feel like an idiot today, about my choice 29 years ago...

Hi Elle, I absolutely get what you are saying about new relationships. And thank you Rob for that confirmation regarding own bank account. It will be done this weekend. Thank you both for amazing support! I am looking forward to also being able to say " my life is so much happier". I am filled with anxiety, fear of the unknown and about decisions I have to make. 


"Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32).
     Thread Starter
 

January 10, 2021 10:18 pm  #7


Re: I feel like an idiot today, about my choice 29 years ago...

Hi Rob, (or anyone else...)
How long ago did this all happen in your life? How did you move on?
 
He earned more than I did overseas, but we always put our money together. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer 5 years ago, (we are now in NZ for 9.5 yrs). An immediate trauma payout gave him $50,000 and his shares that he sold overseas to his brother he used together as a first deposit on our very first house here.
 
I have a few questions to you: I feel that to separate but still living under the same roof will help both of us to refrain from having to live with the bare minimum (talking about finances). The cost of living here is extremely high and so is housing/accomodation. What are your thoughts?
 
I can't see into the future, I have poured out my love for one person and didn't hold back, and NEVER looked at someone else. To me this was a commitment for life... He will retire in 7 years, and I still have another 12 years before retirement. We own a house together, we don't hate each other, we are still friends who give each other SPACE. We talk a lot, and he has opened up a few more things to me, since we are not in a love relationship anymore which made it easier for him to do so. I sort of have to 'find out more' in order to push him away from me, as quite frankly I am heart-broken. I obviously have conflicting thoughts, and pehaps counselling might clear this up, - (looks like I can start tomorrow!) so, did you have the same thoughts or were you just straight angry from the start? Did you immediately divorce/separate? Do you still talk to each other?
 
He said it would be hard to see me with someone else. Not that I care right now. My thoughts, love and vision that I had for him now need to shift away - I find that extremely hard. Being alone by myself will drive me insane.
 
We have always done everything together, grocery shopping, church, friends, holidays, walks, other short outings, I find it intimidating to think I have to do a lot of these (not all) on my own now. I guess it's good in a sense, and I will become independent.
 
You said she handled the financial side of things...how are you finding it, doing it on your own now? We have always been a very close family of 4. It's almost like our youngest son is the 'glue' and he has such a sense of humor; he brings another dinamic into our household when he visits... I have to boys, 22 and another soon to be 27 - and did I mention, both of them are also gay...which breaks my heart further as I won't have grand children... how the hell did that happen AS WELL? And the only question I have is why why why???
 
When my eldest son came out, I thought NOT ANOTHER ONE! But I thought it might go away, he might change (that was 11 years ago). But at the age of 18 he said, this is who I am, this is me, I am not changing, I can't...It took me several years to get over it, and then 2 years ago, the youngest said the same, after trying a relationship with a girl. I guess I thought fighting it and loving my husband will change him, because we carried on pretty 'normal', but today I know that they can NEVER change. This is who they are - always have been. I stayed in the closet with him for 29 years. I told a friend today over a cup of coffee. She was shocked but VERY supportive. And it feels good to talk to you about it - to talk to someone about it.
 
People's ideas about getting into relationships irrespective of their sexual orientation years ago, were so different and yes I get it they were punished/forced or expected by society to just blend in and to do 'the right thing'. But, I didn't have a good relationship with my mum, - she might have warned me. We both have agreed that policies stay in place should one pass away the other one would be the beneficiary. Because we worked a life time together to be where we are today. (very average though...). I don't know if this is right...I guess time will tell? I don't want to make too many decisions right now, and then a year or two down the track regret them. What did you do?


"Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32).
     Thread Starter
 

January 10, 2021 11:48 pm  #8


Re: I feel like an idiot today, about my choice 29 years ago...

Some answers from me in red

Beijoux wrote:

Hi Rob, (or anyone else...)
How long ago did this all happen in your life? How did you move on? The last 10 years have been strained, but my journey to recover some of the person I used to be started 4 years ago
 
 I feel that to separate but still living under the same roof will help both of us to refrain from having to live with the bare minimum (talking about finances). This is what my partner and I are doing. Or rather *I* am doing it, he is just going along with it
 
Being alone by myself will drive me insane.Ditto
 
We have always done everything together, grocery shopping, church, friends, holidays, walks, other short outings, I find it intimidating to think I have to do a lot of these (not all) on my own now. I guess it's good in a sense, and I will become independent. This will be a good thing for your independence yes
 
You said she handled the financial side of things...how are you finding it, doing it on your own now? My partner was always good with finances. Scares the bejeebees out of me too....lol
 
I don't want to make too many decisions right now, and then a year or two down the track regret them. What did you do?I was lucky in that I have an inheritance and it's safely tucked away where my partner has no access. There are some things you'll find it hard not to think about, and forward to that...some issues you'll deal with as you start to get your head around it

 


KIA KAHA                       
 

January 11, 2021 3:25 am  #9


Re: I feel like an idiot today, about my choice 29 years ago...

Thank you so much for your reply, Elle!


"Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32).
     Thread Starter
 

January 11, 2021 3:51 pm  #10


Re: I feel like an idiot today, about my choice 29 years ago...

Beijoux,

I'm going on 6 years out from divorcing.  Spent a little over 2 years going through this before that.

I moved on with the help of family and friends, priest, lawyer therapy, psychiatrist.. an army of angels put on this earth.

I realize its different for everyone..while separating we lived in the same house...she made it a terrible experience..I guess it depends on the character of your spouse..it doesn't and shouldn't have to be that way.

Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself and kids..  life is not some tv show where one can always just up and leave.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

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