Wait?  Are we really discussing where people should and should not be allowed to post?

I absolutely understand and support the need to restrict Sean and Samantha (I think that's her name), but restricting certain straight spouses, because their choices and perspectives are different?  Geez.  

I feel the need to point out that ALL of us are (or were) in a relationship that meet the definition of a Mixed Orientation Marriage or Relationship.  Everyone is speaking from the position of being in, or having been, in a MOM.  If the real issue is that she is speaking from the position of wanting to stay in her MOM, that's different, and should be clarified.  (I think that is what Lily was saying--that she wishes people who "want" to be in their MOM would restrict themselves to the Strategies for MOMs section.)

I think the problem with this idea is that you're promoting the underlying message that only people with certain perspectives and experiences have valuable insight.  If only certain straight spouses are allowed to post freely, then we are not actually "here to support each other" as everyone likes to post to the new members, but rather, here to support our own experiences and opinions.  When this message is unconsciously espoused throughout this forum, it is likely to run off new members.  It took me three months to make my first post, and even then I didn't come back for a long time, because even some of the people who "supported" me as the straight spouse were (unconsciously?) dripping negativity.  I've had to learn to look over that, as I don't think their opinions were invalid due to their tone, but it's hard to get through the worst time of my life when even the "support" network of straight spouses is so negative.  And if this was my first post, and the straight spouses were basically attacking each other?  I've got enough negativity going on right now, I don't need more, and THIS thread would have certainly bothered me.  (It bothers me now, clearly, or I wouldn't be responding.

So yeah, Susanne, I'm not familiar with the places you mentioned and I haven't heard SSN called negative, but that is exactly the first impression I got. It was horrifying.  I wouldn't be surprised at all if this thread turned the OP off from this forum.  It's harsh here sometimes.

To the Original Poster - if you're still reading - Please know that you are still welcome to post here, there are a wide variety of beliefs and experiences here, and hopefully you can find the support you need during this difficult time. If you're not comfortable posting here, you can contact SSN directly and they can put you into touch with local support.  

Last edited by ThisTooShallPass (January 9, 2021 6:52 pm)

TO- i am in a very vulnerable state, and truly don't wish to argue. its hard to sit here and see people being questioned about their beliefs. really? so many spouses get a free pass, after permanently "mindfucking: us but damn us all to hell if we don't all have the same opinions? i need this site for a release, support, affirmation of my thoughts or feelings. however, at this point, what are you getting from this site? you said you are agreeing about avoiding like the plague. im am willing to listen to anyone thats been in my shoes, regardless if i agree or not. on this thread, you talk about the negativity on here, but you what about your comments? close minded. uneducated. really? i seen the follow ups. you stand by what you said. thats a shame.  

I don’t believe I’m not allowed to post here. I don’t think it’s for you to decide where I post.  What I posted had nothing to do with being in a MOM. It was about reframing someone’s (the OPs) life, a stranger in need of support, that I found bothersome. 

longwayhome wrote:

Edited to add: By the way I am highly educated about LGBT+, I'm just personally not into MOMs where I have to peg my husband, that's part of the education for MOM's right? Sorry not what I signed up for and if that is viewed as closed minded too, so be it.  I'm thinking of my own mental health thank you.
 

I’m glad you’re highly educated on the subject. Good for you. It should come in handy here.

As for not being into MOMs. That’s fine. You aren’t closed minded. Just don’t bother reading that section and you’ll be just fine, too.

longwayhome wrote:

TangledOil wrote:

Wow, wow, wow... I’m really disappointed. Many of you are exceptionally closed minded and a big part of the problem. I’m really stunned that in this day age you present like you have the knowledge of sexuality that people had in the 1950s. You might consider educating yourself some. 

TO, I strongly urge you to re-read what you actually wrote. Nobody here needs your motherly/condescending tone. It's really not helpful to anybody, it's actually been hurtful for some. Sorry, we can't change our stories to make the forum a better place for you and others who are trying to make their MOM work and are discouraged, scared by reading our stories.

Edited to add: By the way I am highly educated about LGBT+, I'm just personally not into MOMs where I have to peg my husband, that's part of the education for MOM's right? Sorry not what I signed up for and if that is viewed as closed minded too, so be it.  I'm thinking of my own mental health thank you.
 

Nobody is asking you or any other straight spouse to change your story.  In fact, that was Tangled's original objection - people were essentially telling the OP of this thread that her story wasn't what she said.   Whether the reader agrees with certain parts of her story or not, is irrelevant at that point--essentially telling her that it is not true, (especially since the poster really didn't give much background information for anyone to even interpret) is trying to change her story and experience, even if unintentionally.  Did TO's follow up responses become aggressive and condescending?  Yes, but let's not pretend she's the only regular poster to come across that way. 

And that is what I was referring to when I commented about the "negativity" here, so I'll elaborate.  I don't want people to refrain from sharing their stories or try to sugar coat them.  I get that people come here to grieve, vent and understand their situation.  I'm here for a reason too after all, and those are the posts that I find myself grieving with.  But oftentimes, some posters can come across as....negative and bitter (and rightfully so, I'm sure) but also condescending an/or they often state their opinion with a "Well this happened to me and someone else and it's actually what's really happening to you, you just don't know it yet" authoritative attitude.  Ignoring the logical fallacy of this, it often comes with the underlying message that any minority opinion is going to be wrong. That undermines the experiences of some people here.

 That is the type of negativity I've had to overlook and learn to wade through. Not the "negative stories" per se, but the negative attitudes that some people carry.  Maybe it's a bitterness they can't shake, or maybe they're just poor written communicators, I don't know.  But at some point, I can only handle so much extra when dealing with my own personal crisis and have to step away from this forum.

On the flip side, there are some people who are confident and you can hear the healing in their posts.  They speak from experience, but they use their words wisely.  I value everyone's experiences, but some people are much better at expressing even a "negative" opinion without shoving it down your throat.  

Whether someone is already divorced or separated, is "trying to save" their marriage, is in limbo, is looking for an exit plan, or is happily married in a MOM, doesn't matter--the notion that certain straight spouses be limited in their posting is another example of that type of negativity. Is it really appropriate to ask a straight spouse to limit (silence?) the sharing of their experiences in a support group that is supposed to be for them too?

Last edited by ThisTooShallPass (January 10, 2021 2:06 pm)