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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


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January 4, 2021 7:50 pm  #1


Do I even ask/confront?

I snooped on husbands phone and for a while he’s followed this random young gay man.  I have no clue how he knows him...he lives 2.5 hours from us and does hair.  I do hair....hes told him he likes his work...(yet he follows this guys personal ig account not his hair account) he’s messaged him twice about hair, once a while back and then a couple days ago.  A while back I checked his phone and this guys picture came up first on my husbands ig feed it was the guy naked and covering his package with his hands taking a selfie in front of the mirror.  I saw his DM from two days ago and he’s asking him about “platinum hair” and what it all entails...I’ve done his hair platinum before?? Over 20 years ago when we were youngsters...He knows what that entails and his profession now would NEVER allow that.. so why the BS small talk?? Then this morning I wanted to check out this guys profile and since he’s private I got on my husbands phone.  This guy has TONS of naked pics of himself from the rear...or thongs showing his covered package or pics of like bondage leather strapped outfits.  MY HUSBAND is deliberately FOLLOWING this guy!! That shows pictures like this.  Is this normal??? He’s a complete stranger!? He’s had problems making small talk to women before and I’ve confronted and it’s gotten better but now this? I know i shouldn’t snoop and I told him a couple months ago I’d stop and I do stop but then I check again and this is what I found..I don’t know how to ask this without him flipping out, but I need to know...please help

 

January 4, 2021 9:19 pm  #2


Re: Do I even ask/confront?

abcdefg wrote:

........I don’t know how to ask this without him flipping out, but I need to know...please help

 

You can't ask without your husband flipping out. AND justifying/lying to you.
ANDIf you don't say anything... Hell think everything's sweet

ELLE


KIA KAHA                       
 

January 4, 2021 10:41 pm  #3


Re: Do I even ask/confront?

normal? no. not for straight guys. i promise you. there is no kind of , sort of. i am open to anything my woman wants. minus anything to do with a man. i think you know the truth. you dont need him to say it. you have all the proof you need. whatever you do, be strong, and remember the thoughts in your mind, what youve seen and or imagined, will never go away. 

 

January 5, 2021 12:45 am  #4


Re: Do I even ask/confront?

I guess my question is, how do I ask? What do I say? I am so afraid. I am so scared.  Do I say I went through your phone again and who’s this? And why are you following him? And his naked pictures? and that it’s not ok? Do I ask if he likes men?? He suffered through childhood trauma as have i.. I know that can play a part in things like this.  Thank you for your replies.

     Thread Starter
 

January 5, 2021 6:47 am  #5


Re: Do I even ask/confront?

Instead of trying to figure out how to confront your husband about what you've found maybe instead think about his relationship with you. Does he pay attention to you? Do the two of you do things together? Are they things that you want to do or only what he wants to do? As a marriage counselor asked us repeatedly, do you have fun? Are you noticed by him in a positive way rather than criticized?

It is easy to settle into being a wife appliance. Meals get served, wash gets done, bills get paid etc. If he's using his non-employment time to follow this man that is time that isn't advancing his relationship with you. If his interest is men you probably have been ignored by him for years.

Perhaps through working with an individual counselor you can articulate what you need from the marriage and find a way to raise these with him rather than confronting him now with your knowledge of what he is doing. You also will be in a better place to handle how he responds and not get snowed.


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

January 5, 2021 9:12 am  #6


Re: Do I even ask/confront?

abcdefg wrote:

I guess my question is, how do I ask? What do I say? I am so afraid. I am so scared. Do I say I went through your phone again and who’s this? And why are you following him? And his naked pictures? and that it’s not ok? Do I ask if he likes men?? He suffered through childhood trauma as have i.. I know that can play a part in things like this. Thank you for your replies.

Abc, if you are scared, afraid, your husband will pick up on that and that automatically puts you at a disadvantage in the conversation you need to have.

You need to build yourself up first. I agree with Abby, try to see a therapist, I know they are hard to find, but find one you must.

This is your life, only you can rescue yourself, no one is coming to help you out. Only you can find your inner strength and please know we all have a powerful inner strength. We’ve been so manipulated we don’t know what’s up or down anymore. You only need to see the light through the cracks, follow that light it gets stronger as you get stronger.

Put all your energy into yourself, not directed towards him.
BTR.org. really helped me with erecting boundaries and finding safety. That’s the first step.

When I confronted my husband, I had taken a picture of what I had discovered (quite by accident, I might add). I didn’t ask him if he was gay, I asked him if he was bisexual. I showed him my proof, took him a few minutes to respond, but he did admit to being bi. It might be an easier step for them to take, to admit to being bi. You might want to try that approach but you are going to need to be strong emotionally first, otherwise he will read /know what you are trying to do and you will be no further ahead than where you are now.

You have proof- take pictures, sit on it till you are stronger, now stop looking for anymore proof, you have all that you need.

Next question, what do you plan to do once you know the truth for "real" (admitted)?

I wish you all the best, be strong, believe in yourself, you are in there, I promise you.

No, it’s not normal male behaviour. Be strong, you can do this.

Edited to Add: Abby, wife applicance indeed....never heard that term before...lol

Last edited by longwayhome (January 5, 2021 9:58 am)

 

January 5, 2021 11:06 am  #7


Re: Do I even ask/confront?

He already knows something is up, it is very hard for me to keep it in...I’m trying I really am...he is super loving. If I wouldn’t have opened that DM I wouldn’t have had any idea anything could possibly be wrong.  I’ve not taken pictures yet maybe tomrrow. On another note I looked again this morning.  Nothing new, but his two gay friends he has follow this person..assuming that’s how he found him..he’s in a new position at work and working on new hires..hiring one of his gay friends bc he “needs balance in the office bc of the drama and too many women and men’s girls club” which I’ve been fine with...no problem with gay men but now I’m trippin.  He sent my husband a text with a picture of what he was doing...it was the Golden Gate Bridge from the beach and he said he was hiking.  My husband replied “awesome!”  This guy replied. “I wish you were here” wtf?!?? I am an over thinker I know this..but is stuff adding up or am I now just overthinking every little thing!? I am reaching out to some counselors this morning.  I couldn’t sleep at all last night.  I am a very strong person but this is making me sick to my stomach and I just can’t stop thinking.  Thank you for your replies.

     Thread Starter
 

January 5, 2021 11:16 am  #8


Re: Do I even ask/confront?

Let's go back to why you are snooping.  I think that's important.   

Aside from this one instagram account that you have found, do you have instincts that tell you he might be gay?  Is there anything about his personality, your sex-life, your relationship, his behavior that makes you suspicious that he might be gay? 

I think a common trend here is that many of us have/had instincts that led us to be concerned before we ever had any proof.  Sadly, many of us ignored those instincts for many many years before we finally started to investigate.  I wasted way too many years convincing myself not to believe my instincts. 

If you have other concerns or instincts that tell you he is not straight, then you should push this issue.  If everything in your life tells you he is straight and this one instagram account is the only single thing that has you confused.. then maybe there is a good explanation and you don't need to be afraid.. 

...but I have to think you have some question or you wouldn't have snooped on his phone in the first place.   


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

January 5, 2021 12:16 pm  #9


Re: Do I even ask/confront?

Phoenix, I snooped bc it used to be a problem with him DMing women for small talk. People he doesn’t even know.  Liking their pictures...telling them he prefers longer hair than shorter hair....liking their sexy pictures...I snooped bc of my insecurities of him always talking to women.  I asked him what I was or wasn’t doing that he always felt the need to get like some sort of validity or something From other women .  He said he just did it and he didn’t know why. But that he’d stop.   I snooped this time bc of the women! Not bc of the men!? And now I’m like what is going on??? I never would’ve thought this!? but now all these things are coming into my head...am I creating this in my head??? But why would a guy friend that I talked about in the previous comment tell him he wishes my husband was there!? that is just straight weird to me....our sexual life was and is great but now I’m like...I don’t want it...he makes me feel loved and beautiful and tells me he loves me all the time. And that he’s attracted to me...he’s really been into doggy and now I’m like why!?! But am I overthinking this??

Long way home, I am looking into BTR.org now ...I’ve called two local offices and not heard back...thank you for the referral to them

     Thread Starter
 

January 5, 2021 12:37 pm  #10


Re: Do I even ask/confront?

He certainly is displaying some poor behavior.   I would be questioning the same things you are... 

You deserve a spouse who is 100% committed to you and not using social media to have improper conversations with other people.  

It does sound like he has bi-sexual tendencies if he's connecting with both men and women on social media.  That would be a concern to me as well. 

What I really fear is that you will discover more than just virtual interactions on social media.  Many straight spouses find much more and much worse as they continue to dig.  I hope you don't. 

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

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