Thank you Dutchman for the encouragement.  I really don't know if it's going to work out but I am happy for our open communication and I feel that 21 years of our relationship deserves this time to really work through all these issues.  I often want to break up but then I don't because he is trying to be really honest and open and I do love him very much.  So to answer your question, Virion, I am not doing this exploration for HIM, I am doing it for me.  I know that sounds crazy but I don't think it is because I am not under any illusion that he can be any different in terms of his sexuality.  I think I have had a pattern of being in relationships with unavailable men and I will NOT stay in this marriage if we cannot build something stronger and better than it was before I found out about all of this.  Love isn't black and white......I do believe if I don't work this through, I will repeat some aspects of this.  The bottom line is my husband has been there for me over the years in ways that no one in my life ever has.  He has helped me through many difficult moments.  Our son is autistic and has health issues.  We have been through all of this together.  We may not end up being lovers or even married but what we are building now is a deeper friendship and maybe this is what is more important now for me.