Straight Spouse Network Open Forum
This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else. Learn more >>>

DONATE TODAY >>>

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. The results from SSN’s Annual Summer Donation Drive are in! Together with your help, SSN raised $16,381 during our annual Summer Donation Drive! That’s 109% of our goal! Learn more about how the funds will be utilized.

DONATE TODAY >>>





Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


Happy New Year, Friends!

Our year-end fundraising campaign is officially complete and with your generous help we raised $13,813 to serve straight spouses in need. From all of us at SSN, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.

BE A DONOR >>>

You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?



January 5, 2021 10:00 pm  #11


Re: Going away... it feels okay

Rob wrote:

.
Thoughts and prayers.

Thanks Rob. There won't be anything, I won't be looking. And just as I'm preparing my mindset., he emails something light and cheerful and I think maybe I should hold off till I'm 65 when I receive the pension. Got lots of thoughts whirring in my head... I'll add yours, it might temper my indecision and set me in the right path

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

January 6, 2021 6:24 am  #12


Re: Going away... it feels okay

I don't think many people did what I did: marry a man, whom I knew was gay... Why? I wasn't well informed; I thought I could change him, I thought we would be happy for ever.... it seemed to have worked 'really well' for at least 20 years. [img]https://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/happy.png[/img] We immigrated. We had one shared email account. We also had one shared bank account.  After about 14 months, he was employed. And, he opened his own bank account, as well as his own email account, but still shared the other ones.... Then after another 2 years I started missing the affection...or have I always missed it??We had a serious discussion, and I was told, if I can't accept that, our paths might have to split. I tried to accept that... We did not have much to talk about in the evenings, and I took my laptop and he always watched TV. I thought of studying as I have all this time in the evenings... Then he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and had the opperation. I stood by him, all the time. After about a year or so, we tried to have intimacy, but as you can imagine, this did not go well. It was more about him, and not really about me as well. He said the operation took away his manhood or manliness. Eventually I said this must be embarrasing for him, and so we stopped. Also stopped just being physically close to each other - I started studying for a year AND worked full time, and he "felt lonely and made online friends, some are gay but there's no physical connection as they live overseas". He also started supporting them financially which he did not tell me at the time. We shared a bank account, and eventhough I earn more, we put monies together and are 'open and honest about what is being done with that". Well, at least I was... At some stage we have had the conversation again about affection, just cuddles and holding hands and putting an arm around me, and promises were made again, but it didn't last long. I stopped fighting for that and we just carried on with our 'normal lives'. We moved due to a job offer on my side, and about a year after we settled into our new home, I asked him to share with me the conversation he is having on his phone; he said that he doesn't have to show me, he will just tell me: he's been watching porn for years and it does nothing to him. Lots of men watch porn but he doesn't see why it's wrong to look at a guy's beautiful body. I was taken back, and could not believe that the word 'porn' is even mentioned in our household. It took me about 3 weeks to get over that. Also, I started studying again for about 30 weeks while working full time, and he was on his phone day and night. (He does have a full time job, but has enough time to be on the phone during the day). He was worse than a teenager using his phone. When we go away for a weekend, or just sight seeing on a Saturday, or just having lunch with friends, or just walking on the beach, the phone has to go along, and then we had the conversation after the studies: he said, that since we have accepted so well, that our eldest son is gay, he has now fully accepted that he has always been gay, it has never gone away over the years, and that he can't offer me sex anymore. He also blamed my studies a while ago, and said he was very lonely and found online friends. But he refused to let me see their conversations. After pushing, he evensually told me that he supports them financially and mentioning was made in some messages about amounts. I was very upset because he hid that from me, and said that our monies are for us as a family and overseas family who are in need. He said that we should consider an open marriage agreement. I disagreed and said that was against my belief system. I was ready to move out and on, and started looking for apartments etc. We have also talked about what I would take with me - tredmill, washing machine etc...I was immensly sad and thought that he was throwing away 28 years of marriage, good memories etc. The reality of gay men STILL didn't hit me, and then the 'tide turned'. After 2 days, he suddenly said, that 'we have to really think carefully as we don't want to land in financial trouble and that moving will cost me a lot of money etc. And so we have decided we would try again, and we will be physically together again, - because he KNOWS I need affection! - and holding hands, and visiting our friends together, and still sharing our money (I earn more than he does!). We tried this for 4 months: when we visit friends, he takes photos of them again, when we go see places, he takes photos and videos again for his online friends. We agreed to support only one of his friends financially. But something didn't sit right with it all. I somehow began to feel suspicious again. I queried him about the fact that I still don't know anything about his account; he has never revealled anything to me. He still hasn't and would share any conversations to his online friends with me. I felt that we are just together for the sake of two incomes, and a week ago, I told him that we should sign separation documents as this is not working for me. In my heart I felt that he is using me, 'keeping me happy physically' so that he can continue his life his way...  I told him that he embarresses me when he is on his phone at friends, and he doesn't take part in normal conversations. I also said that I don't want to stand in his way of making friends again or limited him with time on his phone. I also said we need to separate our income and work from there whatever needs to be paid. Two days ago we went for a walk as friends and I asked him what our sex felt like for him, as a gay man. He said, it was never about him, he wanted to satisfy my needs. THEN I realised I could never have satisfied him, even though I adored him, I loved him to the moon and back, he was my world, I poured out my love upon him, but little did I realise that he would NEVER appreciate that, as this was not what he wanted. Asking him why he married me, he said because of pressure from society, family and friends and the church. Often he would cry to tell me he is sorry he could never give me what I really wanted. (I am now sick of that 'song'). What he said next, stays with me, and I hear it over and over again: "Well, at least we don't have to pretend anymore..." Who was pretending? ME???? I wasn't!!!! Don't count me in. What I now do, is scanning back into history, our history, to see the flaws, I need evidence so that I can push him away, not love him anymore... It hurts, because I was only 24, but I finished my teaching degree, innocent, so naif, had no good relationship with my mother as she is very selfish, to this day...loved my dad, but thought I can handle this battle on my own, so I didn't tell anyone at the time... My parents love him. We own a house together, and our wills are written to benefit each other. I just don't know how to move on from here; we used to go to places together, and he was always in charge of finances, car care, paying bills.... I need to stand up, get on my feet, do things for myself, go out with friends, meet new people, I am so scared to even think I have to trust another man again in the future if I want to date again. For the first time in my life I now have to think of me...I don't know how to do that but I guess this will take time... Is there anyone who made the same mistake? I have told two overseas friends but obviously they can't relate...I think this is the worst school holiday in my entire life...and I don't sleep well, toss and turn and think. Better get busy!


"Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32).
 

January 6, 2021 7:30 am  #13


Re: Going away... it feels okay

Beijoux,
Welcome to the forum, you are among friends here, are stories are all different, but have many similarities in common. I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling right now, know it does get better as time goes by..

I suggest you copy and paste your "story" under the Support section of this forum, you will receive much more responses to your situation if you have your own "thread"...

 

January 6, 2021 9:31 pm  #14


Re: Going away... it feels okay

Beijoux wrote:

I don't think many people did what I did: marry a man, whom I knew was gay...

 

Welcome to our Forum Beijoux  
I didn't marry a man who knew he was gay/bisexual, and neither do I know at what point it edged its way into his conscience. I suspect it was after he joined the police because when he came home from training he suggested we join a website. Within the website there was an option to have a sexmeets profile. 
My partner was 19 when I met him, he was a virgin, I was 27 and not lol, but so in love with him....this was my soulmate! and the next 25 years were...well I loved being a mother, our lives were both interesting, it was perfect.
Then came police training and this need to meet others. But hey...I was in love and a bit adventurous. It was fun, we had 3-somes...with men mostly and I still thought this wouldn't  come back to bite me.... until he did more and more alone, had a liking for anal (and that's not MY KINK!) and I said I wanted to stop that lifestyle...no more ...please! There were arguments, I knew he still chatted/cheated with one woman. Still thought it was women til the day he told me "men are where my interest lie" 
The next 4 years have been sometimes heartbreaking, sometimes okay but never will return to the great r'ship we once had. I go from "this'll never be okay" to "this is all I know". One day I'm strong, the next I'm broken. Even though there's no physical r'ship I'm honest enough with myself to admit this 36 year r'ship has benefits I'm not ready to give up yet.

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
     Thread Starter
 

January 7, 2021 4:14 am  #15


Re: Going away... it feels okay

Thank you longwayhome, I feel welcome and safe that I can speak from the heart... and not feel like an idiot.


"Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32).
 

January 7, 2021 4:30 am  #16


Re: Going away... it feels okay

Elle, you're saying you're not giving up. And you mention benefits. We bought a house together. We intend to stay on in the house as it is an upcoming and developing area...We both agreed to stay on as friends, although we will sign separation papers. What benefits are you thinking of? Today we went for a loooong walk on the beach and chatted again. He is extremely depressed and when I asked him about it he said he really misses his overseas friends and he doesn't know how to move forward. I came up with the idea of councelling, because I care! But as for me, I will have to work things out for myself. What makes things really really hard, is - yes, not just my eldest son, but also the younger one is gay too.... So guess what, no grandchildren for me then right? It broke my heart when my eldest son came out 11 years ago, and I thought, "not another one..." but pushed the idea away and thought it will go away... it didn't. I am so far that I have accepted him and about 18 months ago, the younger one came out too... He was close to commmitting suicide as he didn't want to dissappoint us....I was flat on my face with disappointment but I love them to bits....I have accepted them. So my husband thinks well, since we have accepted them, and the world accepts gays MORE today than ever before, this gives him the right to be who he wants to be. Some days I am o k with our happy married life for at least 20 years but other days I am SO ANGRY, but I won't get answers....for WHY. He has looked well after us, (even though I have worked since age of 23) - he has worked really hard. But could never spend time with the boys like I did. He was 'always too tired coming home from the business he and his brother had. At some point he sort of blamed my 'genes' for the boys who are gay...Anyway, for now we will live in this house together...not sure how things will work after 2 years. And: how on earth will I trust another man again?


"Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32).
 

January 7, 2021 12:34 pm  #17


Re: Going away... it feels okay

Beijoux wrote:

.,....And: how on earth will I trust another man again?

 

We can't even think about tusting another man.... we haven't even broken free from the ones in our lives now! That's how I see it anyway, and I've put that idea so far away I don't think I'll ever retrieve it, or make it possible again. My partner has used all my love up.

Benefits. I see them as the comfort his well-paid career brings us and the resources not to have to worry about money. Maybe if my health was better and I hadn't devoted my life to *Us*  I would be less willing to see those things as positives. I feel like a burden, to all my family. I'd need somewhere to go but feel the devil I know is better than ruining the r'ships I have with my children by inserting myself, permanently, into their lives.

I spent so many years trying to get my partner to talk about things, us, our problems (with him never wanting to) that I feel it's not me who should be doing it now, when I don't love him the same way and our r'ship is more like housemates

@#$?/!!!!!!


KIA KAHA                       
     Thread Starter
 

January 19, 2021 7:42 pm  #18


Re: Going away... it feels okay

I arrived at the next leg of my journey a few days ago. Great to see my grandson again, and daughter...time with them, especially my young grandson, means I'm distracted from the MF although I haven't heard from my partner for a few days and trying not to let it bother me. I remind myself of the week I spent at my SIL's house after I'd taken off in a huff! and he didn't message me for 5 days. I am chill  

I'm keeping in touch with the Forum. Where would I be without you all?

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
     Thread Starter
 

January 19, 2021 7:50 pm  #19


Re: Going away... it feels okay

Fabulous....So glad you get to see your family...My sad story, I won't have any grand children...no wonder I loved working in ECE for 6 odd years...that natural grandmother instinct...! Enjoy every moment Ellexoh..


"Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32).
 

January 19, 2021 8:16 pm  #20


Re: Going away... it feels okay

Beijoux wrote:

........My sad story, I won't have any grand children........

 

Beijoux ....are you accepting of your sons homosexuality?
 


KIA KAHA                       
     Thread Starter
 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum