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January 3, 2021 10:35 am  #11


Re: stayed single

Re: the phrase "nurse and purse."  I used it first here on the Forum on Feb 21, 2018 (I used the search feature to find out when it was first used), but it's not a phrase original to me.  I got it from my mother; I had never heard it before, but it wasn't original to her, either.  Apparently it is a term widely used among single women "of a certain age" and status.  I hadn't heard it before my mother used it, because I was neither single nor of an age for it to be applicable.  I don't think all relationships between older men and women fall into that category (on either side), but it was a phrase that alerted me to something to pay attention to as a way to judge a person's interest--was he interested in me for myself or for the services I could provide?--or to assess my own attraction to someone: was I responding to "being needed" rather than holding out for a relationship in which I was valued for myself?    

  My answer to the original question is that I don't think I will ever be interested in marriage again, and that is partly related to my not wanting to be either "a nurse" or "a purse" (or both).  But that's not the whole reason I don't think I will marry again.  I have so much work to do on myself and my own tendencies to care-taking, to subsuming myself in a partner's needs, to say nothing of reparing the damage done by life with my closeted ex to my sense of self and my ability to trust, before I could ever begin to feel I was ready to look for another partner, that I just don't think, as a woman in her mid-60s, that it's likely I would ever find another partner, even if I were looking.  I would like very much to have a special friend/companion and a sexual relationship again while maintaining my own home, but as the saying goes, we'll see.  I'm not counting it out or counting it in, and I'm not counting on it. 

  I regret and mourn the loss of what I had and what I thought I had (but didn't), but I'm now trying to shift my perspective to "If I can't have that, what can I have?"  Going forward, what can I do to create meaning and love in my life?  To whom and what can I give myself in ways that are mutually satisfying and nurturing?  How can I build into my life some of the structures and safeguards that being partnered provides (like someone to care for one in sickness)?  These are the things I have been contemplating while locked down for Covid for the past ten months.  
 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (January 3, 2021 11:02 am)

 

January 3, 2021 4:21 pm  #12


Re: stayed single

It will soon be a year since I left my C/D GID husband, and we were divorced shortly thereafter.  While I don't rule anything out, I strongly doubt another relationship is on the horizon for me.  I just want to be left alone.  I don't think I could deal with another failed marriage, and my ex shattered my feelings of trust. 

 

January 3, 2021 4:29 pm  #13


Re: stayed single

leslie- im sorry youre here as well. i'm not happy you feel that way, but it helps me not feel so alone. 
the things she took from me have no monetary value, yet were priceless to me at a time. trust. faith. hope. desire. friendship. communciton. intimacy.. vulnerability.. all were given to just her. the thought of doing that again seems pointless. 


it is, what it is. 
     Thread Starter
 

January 10, 2021 8:04 pm  #14


Re: stayed single

The replies on this post are great. Thanks all. "The things she took from me have no monetary value, yet were priceless to me at a time. trust. faith. hope. desire. friendship. communication. intimacy.. vulnerability.. all were given to just her." Still priceless, no matter the time. I disagree that it's pointless to do again. Of course it's worth it.(1) The thing is, can one *risk* it? Given the experience, we're shaken, and don't know about trust anymore. (I've been in this state for a long time.) I'm glad in this forum there are people who at least allow you to trust yourself because they articulate what you experience. Trusting your own judgement is necessary to risking it again.

(1) That said, I think one can be happy in life without a partner if you can find fulfillment for yourself in other ways. People put existential meaning in their closest relationships. Shifting that existential meaning, and letting go of the experience, is the challenge. "W
hat can I do to create meaning and love in my life?  To whom and what can I give myself in ways that are mutually satisfying and nurturing?"

I've also never heard of the "nurse and purse" concept. Helpful addition, Abby. I'm about half your age, so I hope I can find it, but I have yet to get past the trust issue. At least on here one can articulate personal experiences, which shows some trust.

 

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