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December 29, 2020 2:04 am  #1

Feeling lonely and confused

My wife just recently (2months ago) came out that she thinks she is queer. This after i had my reservations about a “friendship” she’s had with a lesbian work colleague of hers.

Surprisingly i had expected this because she had invited the colleague to our home for a sleepover when i was out of town. She never told me about this, i found out about from our daughter.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks where she admitted to their “entanglement” and she reassured me its over, only for her to tell me a few days later that she is texting someone else (another lady).
I suggested we take a break for her to figure what she wants and she says she is scared i will find someone else and move on, and that she doesn’t want life without me!
I feel like she wants her cake and to eat it too, im confused but i know for a fact i dont want to live like this anymore.
Please help :-(


December 29, 2020 6:04 am  #2

Re: Feeling lonely and confused

Hi Brian,

Every time I look back on my way too long marriage to a gay man oh pardon me, bisexual man, oh come on, no make that gay, he knew all along - the thing I see when I look back is that I was nursemaiding him.  Did I want to spend my life nursemaiding him, no I wanted a real husband, a family an adventure - a shared life!  

I like your suggestion.  I hope you do move on.  

Just don't let the next lesbian in line get to you instead.

Last edited by lily (December 29, 2020 6:06 am)


December 29, 2020 7:50 am  #3

Re: Feeling lonely and confused

Go and visit ChumpLady.com
It's for people whose spouses have cheated on them.  Which is what your wife has done.  Cheated on you.


December 29, 2020 10:07 am  #4

Re: Feeling lonely and confused

I’m so sorry you’ve found yourself here, Brian...My very first thought after reading this was: Wow, I hope he does find someone else and move on. Please know that you deserve so much better than this...and there are many, *many* other kind & loving women out there who wouldn’t dream of treating their partner this way. I can’t believe your wife had the audacity to bring her affair partner to your house while your daughter was there. How low can you go...

Take care of yourself...I know how hard this is.


December 29, 2020 10:55 am  #5

Re: Feeling lonely and confused

brian- i am sorry. i can relate in some ways. my ex made friends with a married lesbian a couple years ago. i initially asked about the woman coming onto her and such, in a joking way, she assured me that wasn't the case.they had a few weekend getaways over the last couple years. i didn't question because i believed it to be much like her time she spends with her life long highschool friends. i mean in my eyes, why would a lesbian or gay man waste the energy on a straight person? what happened? well i'm told people don't just turn gay. she told me she felt this way her whole life. i think she spent more time in the gay lifestyle. met other women, ane realized whe she "really is"
for me brian, as hurt and angry as its made me, i will always love her. i could never go back to her, no matter what. i am very leary of trusting any women. i do know i have to move on. one foot in front of the other.......
even though we may have no idea where are lives will go, or with who but we need to make them a closed chapter

it is, what it is. 

December 29, 2020 10:57 am  #6

Re: Feeling lonely and confused

She has cheated, and would like you to allow her to continue doing so, with no consequences (to herself). Take gender out of it. It just distracts from the core issue of infidelity.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

December 29, 2020 11:46 am  #7

Re: Feeling lonely and confused

daryl- thats what ive had to tell myself. i know my ex at the minimum was cheating emotionally before she came out. you're correct. infidelity in any form is morally wrong, and for those who stay, it seems like it will always haunt your mind. i know i was cheated on in the past, and it never truly went away. 

it is, what it is. 

December 29, 2020 11:59 am  #8

Re: Feeling lonely and confused

Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. I think more than anything the confusion comes from me knowing what is happening, but not knowing what to do next...
What’s  also hard about this is that she hasn't come out to family, and I’m  living in a lonely corner without anyone to confide in because i still want to protect her process of coming out.
Reading the advice and comments, I’m feeling reassured that i shouldn't internalize this and make this MY problem.
Thank you to everyone and please keep the comments and replies coming, I appreciate each and every one.

     Thread Starter

December 29, 2020 3:01 pm  #9

Re: Feeling lonely and confused

This is part of your story. You have the right to discuss it with others and I think most would agree it helps. It doesn't matter if it's a trusted confidant or a professional. Trying to keep up the "nothing is wrong" mask can be stressful. It's also stressful when the only other person you can talk to about this is the person causing you pain, even if they are sorry for inflicting it upon you. No one is suggesting a public outing but silence does not help you.

There is a pinned post in the General Section call the First Aid Kit. You should read through the first few posts. Don't worry about absorbing the whole thing, just focus on your immediate needs for now. Once you get past the initial head spins you'll be better able to decide what your next steps should be.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

December 29, 2020 3:26 pm  #10

Re: Feeling lonely and confused

Your confusion is being caused by your wife.  It is not your fault - oh goodness not knowing what to do next is a consequence of the confusion not the cause.  Being in a state of confusion is distressing.  

When you talk about supporting her process of coming out, well I can imagine that could mean you go with her when she tells her family.  But not you being kept from telling your own family.

Please, confide in all the family and friends you can.  

It is eerie how similar our stories are in specific ways - we're all confused, don't know what to do, can't tell anyone, still want to be helpful to partner.  all of that just makes you a good man and able to make a good marriage.  I believe your assessment is entirely correct - she wants to have her cake and eat it.



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