I would like to believe that we are a dying breed, because it is so much easier to come to understand one's sexual orientation, to experiment before making a life commitment. As I said, I honestly have no judgement at all about others's paths. And I do fully and wholly accept my wife's 'lesbian label'. I know that she's tried so hard to make herself different. And my first reaction when she came out was of immense sadness and compassion for her, for her lonely years of struggle and pain, and for my lack of understanding. I was honestly ready for separation. I looked for and found support for 'older married lesbians coming out'. But that's not what she wanted. She has/we have been led to 2-3 lesbian friends, including our new church minister. That in itself is an amazing sign of how far things have changed: a lesbian church minister, living with her partner, and the parish council knew, it's not a secret, but it's not broadcast either.

Your question about an open marriage. Yes, we've looked at that. But we're both profoundly monogamous by nature. Given my many years of frustration, it's not a matter of virtue, it's just the way I am: I've never once been seriously tempted to stray, never felt attracted to another. That's another layer of our tragedy. I still love a woman who is not able to love me as I want and long to be loved. But we have said to each other, with our therapist, that our vows have changed to 'till death do us part, or until one or the other finds a new love, but neither of us is looking'. So on we go. Easy? No. But there are good times too. We're off to Rome for 5 days on Friday...

Re the term same sex attraction.  I found it very helpful to use when wanting to avoid an is he gay or bi argument.  Is he gay is he bi either way he is into men.

He is same sex attracted and I am opposite sex attracted.  I made a mistake when I married him, I believed he was the same as me, opposite sex attracted but it turned out he wasn't.  He has a male body but he is not and never was attracted to me.  I didn't trap him into a relationship, if it was anything, it was the other way round - he was the one hiding the extra information, not me.

There is a show on the telly at the moment - The Bachelorette, Australia.  She's down to the last two.  I reckon one is bisexual, the other straight.  The one I think is bisexual I can see the attraction for her, it's like a special connection - he even described it as being her best friend.  And he is paying such close attention to her, just like my ex did at the beginning.  But the other man really is attracted to her and it looks completely different - I am expecting her to pick him.

I had no idea that the term "same sex attraction" was a term often used with religious sites.  I have only ever seen it here, but then again, I haven't gone many places online with regards to the gay thing - mostly just here.  The rest all seemed philosophical in nature vs. the reality that was here.  So I have no other connotations to connect the phrase with.  Honestly, I didn't see the term here until this past year.  Maybe I missed it before.

I thought it was useful in placing some sort of identifier on what was being admitted to.  Often, the non-straight partner won't admit to being gay, or even bi.  If they admit to anything at all, it'll be that they they maybe.... sometimes.... have some same sex attraction.  That seems to be the only label that we can pin on them and seem to have  buy-in.  I assumed that's why it got used so much.  That and because when new people come to this board, all signs can point to their spouse being gay, but they don't want to admit that's what's really going on.  They're still confused and questioning, and calling their spouse gay or bi seems to be offputting to them.  I know that's why I've used the term - to not scare people away.

Kel
 

Thank you Vicky, Brassyhub, Kel and others for sharing. Following your posts, I'm inclined to think that 'same sex attraction' is more of a neutral or safe term used by anyone afraid of the words 'gay' or 'bisexual.' For example, the Mormon Church still uses the clinical term 'same sex attraction' while encouraging gay spouses to remain in their heterosexual marriages. I am reminded of the now cancelled TLC show, "My Husband is Not Gay." It was a scarifying window into my former marriage. The show was about gay or bisexual men fighting (themselves?) to remain in their heterosexual marriages. Husbands and wives all used the term "SSA" and one spouse in particular talked about her husband's "SSA" during a hike with some other wives. One wife who wasn't part of their group asked what "SSA" meant. When the alpha "living in denial" wife angrily explained what it meant, the questioner was having none of it. "So your husband's gay?" You can imagine what happened next. Given what you've all shared here, I now see "SSA" for what it is: a toe-in-the-pool term used by people before plunging into the icy waters of truth/reality. Just as many purely gay men say they are "bisexual" before truly coming out, I believe it's just part of the long process of acceptance. I've learned something my friends so thank you. 

Hi Andrew,
Don't know if you're still following this thread, but I wanted to share a story that may give you some hope for staying together. Our experiences are very different, except for the fact that we both ended up married to lesbians without our knowledge. My spouse is transgender. I married him 25 years ago, and he later came out and transitioned (with my support). We both really wanted to stay together and find a way to make it work. It's been 12 years since her transition, and we are as happy together as I think most any relationship is. Despite that happiness I still feel the loss of my husband and my "normal" life acutely. My wife is a lesbian and I'm a woman, so for her that works great! For me...it's a challenge. I am straight, but I love her.

For a long time I struggled to find any support for spouses of transgender partners that didn't involve encouraging me to leave. No one seemed to accept that I might actually want to try and make it work. Everyone assumed I was "trapped" by finances, kids, etc. I actually just found this forum and am hoping to connect with people who choose to stay together.

With time and communication you and your wife may find ways you're both comfortable being sexual together. The emotional intimacy can remain (in my opinion) if you're both committed to that. Eventually you might consider an open marriage or being involved in the poly community. (and I say that as a Catholic woman who didn't even sleep with my husband until we were married!) We haven't taken that step, but it's something we're discussing. I think the important thing is that you both try to be open and honest about your feelings. There are ways that our unusual relationships can still work well, but it's not easy.
Sharon