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1 of 1- longtimeblues
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Trouble with therapy
Hi all, writing here with a very strange problem. For context, my partner (male) came out to me (female) as bisexual three years ago and I only just managed to speak to my therapist about it. He has never cheated on me and has willingly discussed anything I wanted to.
The problem is as follows: I tried discussing my issue with my therapist, and she asked me some probing questions that implied he was going to act on his impulses, leave me, and give me STDs (???). For instance, she asked me, "Why does he tell you when he tells his friends he's bi? Why would he do it if he didn't want to live 'that life' and tell you that he wants to?" She also asked about our sex life which I said was great whenever we are together (I work in a different city). But then she asked me if I'm okay with damaging my health when he acts on his impulses (???). She recommended I take a couples counselling session with her. But on reading up on some of her articles online I realised she thinks queerness is something that can be cured (again - ???).
Honestly, to assume that I'll get an STD is a bit of a stretch. It's also rather homophobic of her to say this can be cured. I kept telling her I would like to start reacting positively to my partner's coming out and she wouldn't stop implying this will cause me trouble in the future. Are therapists supposed to be partisan like this? It didn't sit well with me at all. It also didn't help me with my goal of trying to rebuild trust at least in the short term. I'm here to vent, really, but would also like to know whether therapists ordinarily react like this.
- Abby
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Re: Trouble with therapy
There are all kinds of therapists with all kinds of qualifications. If she thinks that same sex attractions are something that can be "cured" then she is not with current thinking among those with licenses to practice and perhaps comes from a religious background rather than a clinical one. If you are not comfortable with her find someone else and check the credentials first.
When any couple is not in a monogamous relationship there is the possibility of STDs because of the sexual histories of the person or people outside of the relationship. Are you totally confident that when you are not together your partner is not having sex with others? There usually is a reason for disclosure.
If this disclosure was three years ago where do you see your relationship going? Remaining in separate households and getting together sometimes? Moving in together? Marriage? Another reason for disclosure could be way to put off that progression. Are you okay with that?
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- Rob
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Re: Trouble with therapy
A good therapist that you are comfortable with takes time to to find.
Never be afraid to switch or tell them its not helping.
I think what you are seeing is a combo of the therapist being a medical professional in which they have advise you about say STDs and then on the other hand the therapist being human and projecting their norms and values onto you.
My therapist told me she'd help me either way whatever I chose.. stay or go.. I found her frustratingly neutral sometimes unwilling to give direct advice but if I listened it was exactly what I needed..someone to help me process what I was going through and if if i listened her values as a normal straight person would creep in. Projecting her values was not her job though...yet I found that sometimes more helpful..
I would have been horrified if my therapist said to bring in my GX and let's see if you two can work it out.. it would have just traumatized me further .. it would have violently showed me that was the wrong decision on my part. My GX would have raged at my therapist and eaten her alive. Didnt work with my lawyer though.
No, therapy is supposed to be for you. I dont know how you go from being a personal therapist to being a couples therapist.. it seems conflicting.
I dont think bringing in your spouse to meet your personal counselor will help you process your feelings whether you want to stay or go.. Your therapist should be able to help you say stay with him without him there..
If you don't find your therapist helpful then you should find another.
If you think couples counseling will help than find a couples counselor.
Hugs and prayers on your journey.
Last edited by Rob (December 24, 2020 7:03 am)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- longtimeblues
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Re: Trouble with therapy
Abby wrote:
There are all kinds of therapists with all kinds of qualifications.
Thank you very much for the advice, Abby. I had been seeing this therapist for some time for another reason but evidently she is not qualified for these kinds of issues.
My partner is not having sex with others when I am not around (I am certain of that for various reasons). The disclosure came at a time when I had moved away for work for the first time and we couldn't see each other as often as before.
We are looking to move in together soon and marry in the near future. But I am not looking to marry without sorting my emotions out. When the disclosure came, neither of us was looking to get married any time soon, but we are considering it now. Again, not without me dealing with my feelings and letting him know that I need a lot of support.
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Thread Starter- longtimeblues
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Re: Trouble with therapy
I think what you are seeing is a combo of the therapist being a medical professional in which they have advise you about say STDs and then on the other hand the therapist being human and projecting their norms and values onto you.
Rob, thank you very much for your advice. You're right, she has been projecting her values onto me. I'm glad you found your therapist's approach helpful, though. Also, couples therapy is so different from an individual consultation, right? I don't know how she thought it might work!
I think I will change my therapist. Hugs and prayers for you, too. 
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Thread Starter- SusanneH
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Re: Trouble with therapy
Pretty much all I can do is echo what has been said. I think you’ve gotten good suggestions, and looks like you’re on the right track. I agree with you that your therapist isn’t right for this particular subject matter. She obviously isn’t qualified for this. I hope she was able to help you with the other matter(s).
My husband is on his 2nd therapist, and will be looking for a 3rd. The first went against what I had told her adamantly when I went to a session with him, and that was that I will NOT entertain the idea of an open marriage. She kept suggesting it to my husband, though. I told him to tell her where to go....he just didn’t call her back. The current one, online, isn’t addressing the reasons he went to him in the first place- dealing with bisexuality & monogamy (he would rather have an open marriage, and wants help in dealing with it); and the other reason was anger issues. Seems like the therapist just barely dealt with both of those & mostly just chats. My husband also can not communicate well, especially feelings. He’s mentioned all of this several times and the therapist just doesn’t deal with it (even though LGBTQ, marriage counseling, and anger are all supposed to be his specialties) So, I’ve convinced him to find another therapist. I don’t know if he’ll have the patience to try many/any more if this doesn’t work.
Good luck, and more ((((HUGS)))) and prayers coming your way.