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1 of 1- Stronger
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Supporting spouse and my needs
I’m trying... but my husband doesn’t seem to think his gayness is an issue. I need some affection and, since finding out, I find that I want sex and sex acts for the first time in a long time. We have passed the “honeymoon phase” and now we are at the point where I’m trying to trust him and gain some sense of normalcy. I can’t support his gayness. I appreciate that he isn’t physical with anyone else but I despise his “self sex” habits. I’m not getting ANYTHING!!! Even a hug is forced and he lets me know that I want too much... too long of a hug, any kisses, etc.
I’m too young to skip sex for the rest of my life, that’s just reality.
And how can I support him as he comes to terms with his sexuality? I think if we weren’t married I could totally support him but I can’t see past the hurt.
He says he wants to stay together but right now it seems like he just wants our marriage on his terms and that feels pretty much like a roommate.
I have meet with a preacher and I’ve shared my story with two close friends but I haven’t seen a counselor yet, that’s my next step. I have added activities for myself which are a nice distraction and do provide some moments of happiness in my day.
Covid has not been kind to us. His work is super stressful, money is very tight, my son is a senior so that’s fun but stressful and my daughter is struggling with her own sexual identity. I won’t blame 2020 but it has thrown me some big curve balls...
Thanks for letting me vent.
- Dutchman
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Re: Supporting spouse and my needs
Stronger wrote:
I can’t support his gayness. I appreciate that he isn’t physical with anyone else but I despise his “self sex” habits. I’m not getting ANYTHING!!! Even a hug is forced and he lets me know that I want too much... too long of a hug, any kisses, etc.
From what you wrote, it seems like he wants to move on like nothing has to change. (okay still no cheating, but that's basic. It's not much if that's supposed to be the source of a good relation).
Acceptance has to go both ways. Too often it's like the gay hoping/wanting to be accepted, and that's okay on itself. But the gay tends to forget he has to accept his straight spouse also. The reality of the marriage and the needs (sexually and emotionally) of the straight spouse. Even if it's not so easy to find a way in this. It needs a lot of talk, honesty, openess. Also creativity, maybe not perfect but (for the time being acceptable) solutions. But the main thing is the will to provide for the other. With love and understanding as source for this will and descision.
His focus set on you, your wellbeing, seeking what is important and good to you.
THAT should actually be his terms. This is not quite what is happening, he has a lot to work on. It's actually the total opposite of "back to business as usual".