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1 of 1- jeffmaxwellsucks
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Is he gay, bi, confused or mentally ill? And do I leave him?
20 years married and I found out on December 1st, 2020 that he has been cheating on me with transgender prostitutes and other bi or straight men for 18 years. He told me everything, answered every question EXCEPT for why he did it. He says he doesn't know why. We have been seeing marriage counselor since then and she admits that his problem is beyond the scope of her education. She suspects it is addiction. He went to his own therapist today and I would love to know what was said but unfortunately my husband is and always has been a poor communicator (I chalked it up to "men are just not good at this"). My question is, what is his orientation? He likes penises, like sucking them. But he says he is straight and only looks at women. I AM SO CONFUSED. Now that I have discovered his secret he is begging me not to leave him, swears he loves me. He has spent upwards of $100,000 on prostitutes over the years and has done this at times when we were financially strapped. Should I just leave him? He is currently living in our guest bedroom and thanks me every day for not making him leave. Is this an illness and if so should I at least try to work it out? We have two teenage boys whom he doesn't want to know about this. And before you go looking for Jeff Maxwell online, don't bother, its not his real name, just a handle he uses on sites where he trolls for people to hook up with. Any advice from anyone would be appreciated.
- Julian_Stone
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Re: Is he gay, bi, confused or mentally ill? And do I leave him?
jeffmaxwellsucks wrote:
20 years married and I found out on December 1st, 2020 that he has been cheating on me with transgender prostitutes and other bi or straight men for 18 years. He told me everything, answered every question EXCEPT for why he did it. He says he doesn't know why.
Why? Because he felt entitled.
We have been seeing marriage counselor since then and she admits that his problem is beyond the scope of her education. She suspects it is addiction.
I think this is beyond everyone's scope. Does the why even matter?
He went to his own therapist today and I would love to know what was said but unfortunately my husband is and always has been a poor communicator (I chalked it up to "men are just not good at this"). My question is, what is his orientation?
He is either a bisexual cheater or a gay cheater.
He likes penises, like sucking them. But he says he is straight and only looks at women.
Straight men don't suck penises.
I AM SO CONFUSED. Now that I have discovered his secret he is begging me not to leave him, swears he loves me. He has spent upwards of $100,000 on prostitutes over the years and has done this at times when we were financially strapped. Should I just leave him?
WTF!
He is currently living in our guest bedroom and thanks me every day for not making him leave. Is this an illness and if so should I at least try to work it out? We have two teenage boys whom he doesn't want to know about this. And before you go looking for Jeff Maxwell online, don't bother, its not his real name, just a handle he uses on sites where he trolls for people to hook up with. Any advice from anyone would be appreciated.
I know this is hard...I know you're hurting...but I think you should run....run like your hair is on fire! (and get your *own* counselor/support system...because, man, this guy has really put you through the ringer)
Hang in there...and put *your* needs first now. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
- Rob
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Re: Is he gay, bi, confused or mentally ill? And do I leave him?
In regards to your title. He is not straight..and, based on your story, mentally ill in recklessness.
There is no marriage counselor that can change him as your counselor basically told you in different words.
I read your story. Im not sure what to say..we've read that here where they say they will kill themselves. I think that's a horrible thing to do to you and the kids... ie. I am hurting you by cheating and will kill myself if others find out. That is just so selfish and messed up.
I agree you don't want to unstablize him and he will need a job. I would probably support him but at the same time discretly work on an exit strategy.. your kids need an unabused mom and at this point he clearly has no problem hurting you or them.
Last edited by Rob (December 18, 2020 9:26 pm)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- inkundermyskin
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Re: Is he gay, bi, confused or mentally ill? And do I leave him?
jeff- that blows figuratively and literally. i am straight. my ex came out as bi/lesbian. i promise you, i want no part of any mans body, ever ever!!!!!!
the thing i'm learning through talking with others going thru this kind of shit, is none of our partners are truly good people. they may have good tendencies which is why we love them. but to hide this from us, and get the fucking balls to "be who they are" is not acceptable. good people don't let others love for years on end and then finally decided :THEY natter more than anyone else. they are free, and the rest of us gotta put the pieces back together. fuck them. for him to keep that secret, and take money from his family to live out his fantasies is selfish, and a bad dude. period. i hope the best for you. like i said, there is no grey area being straight. you are, or arent. period
it is, what it is.
- TangledOil
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Re: Is he gay, bi, confused or mentally ill? And do I leave him?
I’m so sorry you’re going through any of this. Unfortunately narcissistic personality disorder (and likely other DSM diagnoses) seem to be pervasive in many of the cheating spouses discussed here on SSN. I agree with everything everyone above stated.