OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
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- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN
I'm not sure if this is relevant to why people might post here only once, but SSN has a Facebook group, and a lot of people may be going there.
Speaking just for myself, when I first posted here I was met with a range of responses, some "challenging" some "soft," and I benefited from both.
- TangledOil
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Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN
longwayhome wrote:
Real honest - no bullshit help. Not the sort of help that just help validates your own either Tangled. Otherwise what’s the point of posting for help.
So only the help that validates your own, longwayhome, is preferable and desirable? Good to know. That’s why some who initially post here don’t stick around. And I know this because they message me on Reddit.
Tangled
Last edited by TangledOil (August 2, 2021 1:18 pm)
- lily
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Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN
okay I got a few problems here Longway. First of all I just checked the post I made which you objected to - mentioning tops and bottoms - the poster above to whom I was responding has now removed her post - so you know I hope that we're not going to go all pc here. The subject matter is what it is, we are talking about sexuality here, it's in a family friendly way but not an easy topic at any time - it's a touchy subject for everyone isn't it?
The pandemic is here, the Delta strain is scary and the lockdowns are happening everywhere pretty much. Yes this is having an impact on us all.
I think it is normal for there to be more people who read than post.
I don't know how you'd check it but my sense of things is that the level of second posts by new posters hasn't changed. The main reason posters back off after the initial post I believe is because in making that post, their partner senses the change in them and responds with a bit of love bombing. 'oh what was I bothered about' thinks the straight spouse, everything is fine...
The whole process of taking on board the gay thing is fraught for all of us.
Yes people need tea and cookies, they are also looking for the information leaflet and then sometimes the advice offered here can be really helpful.
Obviously we only want advice when asked for, obviously taking on board tgt is a process that is entirely in the hands of each one of us individually and equally obviously each situation is unique. But it seems to me that it is mainly in telling our stories and the similarities that brings up between our stories, that we help each other the most - that first post in itself is a good addition to the resource this forum is.
Talking about raging, as you did in your post on the other thread - inferring I was doing it, implies being out of control and destructive and that is not true of me at all. We all got our own voices. If I am not welcome I leave, simple as that. I have been here longer than most.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN
Elle, read the posts from a couple of years ago, say 2016-18...
Comparing today with 2 years ago is never going to give me a true picture.
Anyone can read the Forum, everyone can register and post but not everybody will so your view that it's the current members who need to back off and be nicer doesn't sit well with me. Anyone posting 'truly' as themselves is better than somebody tiptoeing on eggshells so as not to scare people away
Elle
KIA KAHA
- lily
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Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN
Longway, it was me per se that wrote the comment you are concerned about. I am glad you recognise I am a caring person, that is true of me. So you are being critical of my performance as a poster here.
I'll accept you didn't intend to insult me, take the hug with thanks, and answer the criticism..
It's a journey, the gay thing. And thank you Mr Ex, if you believe that it takes as long to recover from a relationship as it lasted then I'll be dead before that happens. Maybe it is true, idk, what I do know is that 7 years out from being in that relationship which lasted for 38 or so years I am in a heck of a lot better shape. It was in my 40's I first started feeling the inner me had got lost and wanting to do something about it. and I am grateful I left him I didn't want my whole life to have been about him and it isn't.
That is a longwinded way of saying I have had a long journey through the MOM including an appreciable chunk of time out of it now and my point is I have walked a lot of the journey and generally I can recognise whereabouts a new poster is at.
The short way of saying it all is I am caring, yes ok sensitive, I am fairly observant and in reasonably good shape and still say the things I do.
I will defend what I said in that particular comment after I have made a coffee...
nice coffee! so yup ,um, without going to the trouble of unearthing the comment it was on a new poster's thread, a couple of pages in and yes the thread had moved on from the original poster a bit and mine was in response to another poster. (do I care about the way threads ramble on? no I don't, it doesn't seem to me to be much of a problem in itself and trying to stop it happening is likely to be inhibitive).
So the poster has now removed their post which means I can't say what was in it. and that takes away the context in which my post was written. However, this poster appears to already be well and truly on her feet and at the stage, it seemed to me, of circling back to pick up the pieces. I was simply responding to that.
In normal circumstances we don't talk about what goes on in bed but here on this forum where people are facing up to the gay thing we are needing to, in a family friendly way.
It's not just the similarities it is the differences. A straight husband with a femme wife is going to be in a different dynamic to a straight husband who is with a dominant wife. No it is not the first cab off the rank, I will certainly agree with that, but it is useful information when it comes to understanding why you felt the way you did in the marriage you have been in.
short version - I believe it was valid in the specific situation.
Hugs back, Longway.
Last edited by lily (August 2, 2021 6:51 pm)
- lily
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Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN
great! now I have gone from raging to venting!
that's not true of me either.
nor am I conscious of insinuating anything.
Any comment or advice from me is sincere respectful and well meant.
thanks everyone, all the best, Lily.
Last edited by lily (August 2, 2021 7:20 pm)
- MJM017
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Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN
Dear longwayhome,
I'm sorry to mention this, but you don't seem yourself. Am guessing the extreme stress of living with your stbx is making you unwell. Almost each poster has gone through this emergency distress & it is unbearable.
Have your son drive take you to a health facility ASAP. I am worried for you. I prayed today about what I should do.
I emphasize you need to see a medical professional now. I won't feel right until you do. Please answer to let us know you will tell your son and will get emergency help.
Praying for you. 🙏
Maria
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN
I don’t believe anyone’s intention is to escalate violence, but Read some of our responses.....
It's almost like you expect me (everybody) to behave as you do. That you think there's only one way (yours) to communicate here.
That just won't happen.
Elle
KIA KAHA
- MJM017
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Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN
Longwayhome,
I get the impression you're starting a significant disagreement for a specific purpose.
Am guessing it's one or a combination of the following:
1) COVID stress
2) Stress of living with STBX
3) Trying to control the forum (What Elle said)
4) Upending the forum because shilling/marketing websites and YT videos isn't going well; or plans to be a life coach specializing in straight partner issues is stagnating.
5) You're really a non-straight ex-spouse who has an ax to grind.
You drove Lily away. Your postings in this thread are red herrings. You're targeting female posters.
You won't tell us what the truth is here. This maybe real, maybe fake drama will go on and on as long as people respond to it.
Last edited by MJM017 (August 3, 2021 3:54 pm)
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- Kel
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Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN
Hi everyone. I came here to give you all an update. It seems that the thread has morphed from its original intent - first about terminology, then about research, and then finally about what true support is. So I'll address these pieces separately.
Firstly, we're mere weeks away from launching our new website! We intended to have this done by now, but it's most important to us that we deliver a good website than it is that we deliver one quickly. Our design firm just migrated the site over to our server today, and now we have a flurry of content changes to make (you wouldn't believe how much has changed since we gave them everything a year ago). After that we have a group of volunteers at the ready to spend a few days pouring over assigned areas of the new site, looking for additional issues. More fixes will likely come of that, and then we launch! We hope it will be by the end of August.
We will not initially have the Open Forum on the new site. We started discussing how to lay out the Forum on the new site and felt ourselves slipping down a rabbit hole. We want to give the Forum our full attention, and decided that doing so now would delay the new site launch. So we'll begin working on the Open Forum integration this fall. We want to get things moving with as little interruption as we can, and we feel this is the best bet for that objective.
We're still not sure that we can migrate all the conversations over. We have a bare-bones staff, and this kind of thing takes lots of time and techie knowledge. Rest assured that no matter how we wind up doing things, this site will be archived and still be here - so that people can at least read though all the valuable experiences.
Next let's talk about research. In 1994, SSN's Founder, Amity Pierce Buxon, Ph.D., wrote the first major work on the topic of straight partners. This book is entitled The Other Side of the Closet - The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families. Her book is based on over 1,000 interviews with straight spouses and their children. She is recognized as a pioneer in the field of mixed orientation relationships. Amity's legacy is the Straight Spouse Network - an organization focused on support, healthy healing, and education about the journey and challenges of straight partners.
The figure that is often thrown around - of two million mixed orientation marriages in the U.S. - is from Amity's original research. The SSN sees its purpose of education as being co-mingled with research. We are the preeminent authority on the straight partner experience, and we intend to continue that work with research and education, in addition to support. Our research in no way invalidates any other research in the field. As a matter of fact, we have an entire research section in the new website chocked full of legitimate research from other sources. We also routinely help connect straight partners and partners of trans people to legitimate research opportunities.
Next up is terminology. We will not be using the term "Non-Trans Partner", but rather, "Partner of a Trans Person" (PTP). There are many names that partners of trans people call themselves - from "Trans Widows" to "Cis Partners", among others. They report that they do not necessarily identify with the name "Straight Partners". If a straight partner decides to stay with their trans partner, call they call themselves "straight"? . Good question! It is SSN's goal to be as inclusive as possible to everyone that SSN sees as fitting under its umbrella. That necessitated asking partners of trans people how they self-identified. Hence, the terminology Partner of a Trans Person was arrived upon. This is not SSN's terminology for them - it is their terminology for themselves. And we respect that. We want to include them, not define them.
The trans world can be a political minefield, with advocates and opponents on each side. Who can call themselves female, or a woman? It can be tempting to battle over convictions and choose a side. SSN is neutral on such subjects. Our mission is to support Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People in their journeys. Each constituent is allowed to have their own personal opinion on such matters. SSN wants to concentrate on support and compassion.
The path is different for every straight partner - and it is often full of twists and turns. New visitors often come to the Open Forum at the beginning of their journey with the desire to make their mixed orientation relationship work, and feel strongly about supporting their partner. A few months or years out, their convictions may be quite different - or exactly the same. There are no right or wrong answer. There are right and wrong answers for YOU. SSN supports the straight partner or partner of a trans person no matter what their belief systems, experiences, or convictions. You walk the path, and we walk beside you.
That segues nicely into how to offer support. There is no one right way to do that, either. My own personal style could best be described as "wakeup call". Everyone has their own style and delivery. That's valuable and enriching! Delivery matters, though. How you deliver a message can be the difference between whether someone receives your message or hardens themselves against it. Truths can be harsh. Delivery does not need to be. I have teenagers, and those of you who deal with teenagers regularly might be familiar with how you can't impart truth to them - you can only give them your opinion, your encouragement, and the assurance that you support them. Same here. A whisper can be louder than a shout sometimes.
Feel free to reach me anytime at execdirector@straightspouse.org. I don't tend to check here very regularly due to lack of bandwidth. But we are always open to hearing your voices.
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
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