longwayhome wrote:

Real honest - no bullshit help. Not the sort of help that just help validates your own either Tangled. Otherwise what’s the point of posting for help.

 
So only the help that validates your own, longwayhome, is preferable and desirable? Good to know. That’s why some who initially post here don’t stick around. And I know this because they message me on Reddit.

Tangled

Last edited by TangledOil (August 2, 2021 1:18 pm)

longwayhome wrote:

Elle, read the posts from a couple of years ago, say 2016-18...

 
Comparing today with 2 years ago is never going to give me a true picture.
Anyone can read the Forum, everyone can register and post but not everybody will so your view that it's the current members who need to back off and be nicer doesn't sit well with me. Anyone posting 'truly' as themselves is better than somebody tiptoeing on eggshells so as not to scare people away

Elle

great!  now I have gone from raging to venting!

that's not true of me either.

nor am I conscious of insinuating anything.  

Any comment or advice from me is sincere respectful and well meant.  

thanks everyone, all the best, Lily.

Last edited by lily (August 2, 2021 7:20 pm)

Hi everyone. I came here to give you all an update. It seems that the thread has morphed from its original intent - first about terminology, then about research, and then finally about what true support is.  So I'll address these pieces separately.

Firstly, we're mere weeks away from launching our new website! We intended to have this done by now, but it's most important to us that we deliver a good website than it is that we deliver one quickly. Our design firm just migrated the site over to our server today, and now we have a flurry of content changes to make (you wouldn't believe how much has changed since we gave them everything a year ago). After that we have a group of volunteers at the ready to spend a few days pouring over assigned areas of the new site, looking for additional issues. More fixes will likely come of that, and then we launch! We hope it will be by the end of August.

We will not initially have the Open Forum on the new site. We started discussing how to lay out the Forum on the new site and felt ourselves slipping down a rabbit hole. We want to give the Forum our full attention, and decided that doing so now would delay the new site launch. So we'll begin working on the Open Forum integration this fall. We want to get things moving with as little interruption as we can, and we feel this is the best bet for that objective.

We're still not sure that we can migrate all the conversations over. We have a bare-bones staff, and this kind of thing takes lots of time and techie knowledge. Rest assured that no matter how we wind up doing things, this site will be archived and still be here - so that people can at least read though all the valuable experiences.

Next let's talk about research. In 1994, SSN's Founder, Amity Pierce Buxon, Ph.D., wrote the first major work on the topic of straight partners. This book is entitled The Other Side of the Closet - The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families. Her book is based on over 1,000 interviews with straight spouses and their children. She is recognized as a pioneer in the field of mixed orientation relationships. Amity's legacy is the Straight Spouse Network - an organization focused on support, healthy healing, and education about the journey and challenges of straight partners.

The figure that is often thrown around - of two million mixed orientation marriages in the U.S. - is from Amity's original research. The SSN sees its purpose of education as being co-mingled with research. We are the preeminent authority on the straight partner experience, and we intend to continue that work with research and education, in addition to support. Our research in no way invalidates any other research in the field. As a matter of fact, we have an entire research section in the new website chocked full of legitimate research from other sources. We also routinely help connect straight partners and partners of trans people to legitimate research opportunities.

Next up is terminology. We will not be using the term "Non-Trans Partner", but rather, "Partner of a Trans Person" (PTP). There are many names that partners of trans people call themselves - from "Trans Widows" to "Cis Partners", among others. They report that they do not necessarily identify with the name "Straight Partners". If a straight partner decides to stay with their trans partner, call they call themselves "straight"? . Good question! It is SSN's goal to be as inclusive as possible to everyone that SSN sees as fitting under its umbrella. That necessitated asking partners of trans people how they self-identified. Hence, the terminology Partner of a Trans Person was arrived upon. This is not SSN's terminology for them - it is their terminology for themselves. And we respect that. We want to include them, not define them.

The trans world can be a political minefield, with advocates and opponents on each side. Who can call themselves female, or a woman? It can be tempting to battle over convictions and choose a side. SSN is neutral on such subjects. Our mission is to support Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People in their journeys. Each constituent is allowed to have their own personal opinion on such matters. SSN wants to concentrate on support and compassion.

The path is different for every straight partner - and it is often full of twists and turns. New visitors often come to the Open Forum at the beginning of their journey with the desire to make their mixed orientation relationship work, and feel strongly about supporting their partner. A few months or years out, their convictions may be quite different - or exactly the same.  There are no right or wrong answer. There are right and wrong answers for YOU. SSN supports the straight partner or partner of a trans person no matter what their belief systems, experiences, or convictions. You walk the path, and we walk beside you.

That segues nicely into how to offer support. There is no one right way to do that, either. My own personal style could best be described as "wakeup call". Everyone has their own style and delivery. That's valuable and enriching! Delivery matters, though. How you deliver a message can be the difference between whether someone receives your message or hardens themselves against it. Truths can be harsh. Delivery does not need to be. I have teenagers, and those of you who deal with teenagers regularly might be familiar with how you can't impart truth to them - you can only give them your opinion, your encouragement, and the assurance that you support them. Same here. A whisper can be louder than a shout sometimes.

Feel free to reach me anytime at execdirector@straightspouse.org. I don't tend to check here very regularly due to lack of bandwidth. But we are always open to hearing your voices.

Kel

lily wrote:

Hi Kel,

I hope I am reading this wrong but it looks like you are thinking of disabling this forum - can't you keep it active until you are ready to move it onto the new site.

This is one of those times when I'm sure you'll be glad to be wrong. 

We are NOT disabling anything at this point. Here's the promises I can make:

1. This Forum will be business as usual until we get the new Forum on the new site.
2. We will not disable this site for at least a month after we've started the new Forum on the new website. We envision people migrating over to the new site on their own, but being able to finish up old conversations here.
3. At that point, we hope to be able to turn off the ability to start new threads here, but still leave old threads open for another month or so. I'm not sure whether the technology will let us do that or not - we have learning to do.
4. You will be informed every step of the way. We will make no changes without explaining what's happening, giving you a timeline and expectations. We will put up a notification on the top of this site what ththat information. There will also be a link there to new Open Forum on the new site.

We know the Open Forum is a lifeline for many. It's important to us that you all feel secure and have a dependable environment for your discussions. The only reason to have the Open Forum is to help people, and we intend to keep that as our focus moving forward. Nothing will be done without YOUR best interest at the heart of all decisions.

You guys will always have a special part of my heart. This is where I grew my wings, and you will always and forever be the apple of my eye.    You will always be treated as a favorite child.

Love you guys!

K

Last edited by Kel (August 11, 2021 7:54 pm)