OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+.


For more information about our recent name change, please read our press release or visit our website at https://www.ourpath.org.


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September 18, 2021 2:47 pm  #151


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

Falsehood or not, the perception is there. The reality is that any foundation that might otherwise be interested in funding us is put off by the old name. You may disagree with why, but that's the reality. As it is, the organization runs on a shoestring budget funded entirely by individuals who wish to give back, and staffed by mostly volunteers. As long as we are perceived by outside sources as homophobic, even though we know we are not, we will not be able to grow and reach more of those who need us. Sorry you think our potential donors are librul woke snowflakes or whatever you wish to call them, but we can't afford to alienate them.

 

September 18, 2021 3:30 pm  #152


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

Sam (Admin) wrote:

....As long as we are perceived by outside sources as homophobic, even though we know we are not, we will not be able to grow and reach more of those who need us. ....

 
When the LGBTQ community began.... were they considered straight-phobic? Did they have people say "if we're to be seen and accepted we can't be seen to go up against a *straight majority"...?

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

September 18, 2021 10:08 pm  #153


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

And that is why we are all on here. For that mutual support. We might have differences, different view points but this network is a flag of hope to us all.

Let admin do what they need to do for this sight's existance, it's not going to change who we really are, and how we support each other. It's my ex's behaviour and decisions that caused me heartache. I don't hate gays or lesbians walking down the street past me. We will never be able to change WHO they are. It's this one individual in my life who has made wrong choices from the beginning and who's behaviour has had a devastating impact on me, who has stuffed up my 29 years of marriage. For sure, I will attack his choices and behaviour! And rub the pain in his face....

We will continue to say it as it is, how it has been, and carve the way forward for each other here, little by little, in order for us to move forward. We know what has become of the world out there, it is pretty clear. It's not getting any better. Let's keep sharing our heartaches.. to get healed.  (WE with respect! )


"Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32).
 

September 18, 2021 10:26 pm  #154


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

I have tried the following search on Google: "I think my husband is gay and I need support" .There were literally 100's of articles, research, blogs etc. When I got to page 5 of my Google search I stopped . There was no mention of OurPath and 1or 2 mentioning the SSN. This web-site is amazing and helped me immensely when my husband, of 38 years married and together for 42 years, told me he is gay. I also then only realized the SSN exists because I read an article by Bonny Kaye and the SSN was mentioned.  I think the most important consideration is to ensure that newbies are aware of it's existence. Is there no way that something could be done to ensure that straight men or woman(obviously newbies) can actually find this web-site easily in a time of need? If more people are reached, there will be more members and I think this could also be a positive for external  funding. Sorry if I miss something. I am not a computer expert and do not have any idea how search engines' work. 

 

September 18, 2021 11:12 pm  #155


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

I think we did better on the old Voy forum.  It was when we shifted off that forum, which was working fine as far as I could see that I first started to get a feeling this forum was shifting direction.

replacing the informative name Straight Spouse Network with the generic title of OurPath can't have improved things!

It's sad, the irony is heavy - the straight spouse network that doesn't want to stick up for straights any more.


 

 

September 19, 2021 9:56 am  #156


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

Itsabouther,

I am also a straight white male in America.

It is inarguable that people who look like me have enjoyed certain privileges of opportunity throughout the history of our society.

That said, it must be recognized that with those privileges has come incredible responsibility.  And pressure.

Be a man.  It’s a man’s world.  Suck it up.  There’s no crying in baseball.

No wonder so many feminists call masculinity “toxic”.  If they had been raised to behave this way, they too would be suffering substance abuse, mental health breakdowns, homelessness and early death at the rates men are.

Add to that the additional gender mindfuck stresses of being a straight spouse to a lesbian?  I hear you, itsabouther.  I’m there with you.

But the larger society is made up of many people who do not think this way.  They see a reductionist history of straight white male authority figures just by looking at the money and the street names and find it easy to tweet about oppression without really thinking through the actual structures of power that have delivered our society to this present moment.

Again, they see the privilege of opportunity, but don’t recognize or calculate the cost of that opportunity.

I know you are not arguing against a society that awards opportunity by merit.  I’m not going to disrespect you and assume that your desire to be respected as a straight white male means you are a terrible racist and sexist asshole.  Of course not! 

But not everyone will be so generous in our online culture.  They see someone wanting to be respected as a straight white male, and they are triggered.  And they launch a dangerous online attack (crusade) against your very humanity.

Over what is essentially their own prejudice.

Now.  All that is the backdrop for the online world we are living in today.  Regardless of whether I like this scenario, I recognize it as the world we are living in.

In THIS world, the name OurPath is preferable to SSN because it does not trigger anyone.

I don’t love the name OurPath because it is a tad generic.  But I don’t cringe at it like I did at SSN because I always knew that SSN was triggering to a bunch of people.  Not to me, so much, but to others who act on emotion and don’t take the time to think things through.

My hope is that you yourself can take a deep breath and understand that the name change is not directed at you personally.  It is about inclusivity.  And I am taking the time to write a long post which, I hope, both understands you and explains the larger idea.

I hear you, itsabouther.  I really do.  Love, respect and understanding to you.

 

September 21, 2021 12:31 pm  #157


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

Hi Itsabouther-

The whole point of changing the name is to avoid having to choose between 'us or them'.  However, it is clear that changing the name from SSN has triggered you.  It also sounds to me as though it isn't really the SSN name change that is triggering you so much as it is the perceived loss of social cues and norms which perhaps never challenged straight white males like ourselves.  

I hear you about merit.  I do.  In the 1980s and 90s, we spent the better part of a full generation pretending to be color blind.  After the Civil Rights Movement, and the collective canonization of MLK, our society claimed it was a meritocracy.  However, straight white males tended to succeed in greater numbers than others under that setup as well.  Black males (and females) continued to be gunned down by police and private citizens.  Trayvon Martin was murdered for simply walking home with some Skittles.  Eric Garner was murdered for selling loose cigarettes.  Elijah McClain was tackled, given Ketamine, and murdered for -gasp- wearing a mask.  Do you remember Rodney King and the riots of 1992?  By the time we get to George Floyd, the Rodney King beating looks tame.

I know that these killings do not illuminate the vast improvements that have been made in our society since the 1960s. But they do help give us some valuable perspective.  We all still have work to do.

What does George Floyd have to do with your spouse being a lesbian?  On the surface, not much.  But below the surface, it has everything to do with it.  Why on Earth are there people who still choose to live in the closet?  Who still choose to deceive an intimate partner rather than living their truth?  Even for the narcissists, the answer is still about social acceptance.  

If we at the former SSN are not thinking in these terms, if we are not looking to make ourselves and our society more accepting, then we are not truly helping each other out of the twisted path that is ours.

 

September 21, 2021 1:46 pm  #158


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

Victo, Of course narcissists want to be socially accepted   Much of the extremism and hatefulness on the political right and left is driven by people with deep-seated narcissistic traits.  I personally have no interest in "accepting" people who have NPD.  They're not running to therapists looking for a cure. To me, these behaviors are becoming too acceptable in our culture and if this trend continues there will be even more victims of their control and abuse, in their personal relationships and beyond  ie, individuals like us and organizations like SSN.

Last edited by Lynne (September 21, 2021 2:24 pm)

 

September 21, 2021 2:42 pm  #159


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

Victo wrote:

....... if we are not looking to make ourselves and our society more accepting, then we are not truly helping each other out of the twisted path that is ours.

 

Looking from halfway round the world...yip, race has nothing to do with my straightspouse journey. As for acceptance you can't expect acceptance if somebody can't see exactly what it is they're accepting. At first glance, if this was 4 years ago when I was searching for a place of understanding I would have dismissed Ourpath as a spiritual website.
We need a straightspouse rainbow but there are no colours left.

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

September 21, 2021 4:31 pm  #160


Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN

Acceptance and inclusion has everything to do with our journeys as straight spouses. 

And it is historical fact that conversations around inclusion began with race and civil rights and developed from there into conversations around gender rights, homosexual rights, trans rights, etc….

And, all that said, it would be great if we could stop talking about everybody’s rights and start talking about everybody’s responsibility.

You have the full right to be a lesbian and marry another lesbian, but you have the responsibility to not hoodwink an unsuspecting straight person and force them into your closet.

 

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