OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN
Lynne wrote:
Elle, What a series of gut punches that was to read through. Welcome abusers.
It all seems a bit PC. THIS IS *my* space, not my partners. Mine!
#$(?!!*
KIA KAHA
- Daryl
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Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN
Have you read those links in the resource section for the LGBTQ partner?
I did. It's written very much from OUR perspective, but aimed towards the non-straight partner. It covers many of the same things we keep saying here about how this can affect us. It's like a 'consider this' list written by one of us to our spouse.
As for news links, OurPath can't control what the media publishes nor should they ignore it, in my opinion. As it stands, it's not really a prominent item on the website. Other resources get the main screen space. If you think the news orgs do not spend enough time looking at things from our perspective, why not leave them your comments on their pages? Change always has to start somewhere.
I've never seen any rules limiting who can join this Forum. Obviously the admins will remove spammers, trolls and anyone who breaks the main posting rules. There have been a number of LGBTQ members here over the years (or on the older forum site). Cameron, Difflurker and Sean come to my mind. There may be a few others I've forgotten. Not everyone here might have approved of their presence but I think they all made good contributions and were never rude or unsympathetic towards others here.
I think trying to make this a straights-only forum would be the end of the forum. No organization can condone discrimination based on sexual orientation. Besides, how would you enforce it? Was anyone here asked to prove they were a straight spouse before they joined? How many people would be willing to reveal that much person information to this site, just to ask some questions?
Does anyone really think that other members would be allowed to disrupt our conversations? Permitted to discount our experiences? Dismiss it as homophobia or over the top hysteria? Allowed to taunt or tease people going through some of the worst moments of their life? And not be shown the door?
By the way, our pain is already on display and always has been. This is a free forum. Anyone can read it without registering. I think it's important to speak our truth for everyone to hear, if you want others to gain some understanding as to why it exists and why it's valid. Keeping it hidden is no better than the closet most of us were ushered into.
Peace.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN
....
I know I know. Everything you say...I see the good sense in your reply.
It was a kneejerk reaction
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Lynne
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Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN
delete
Last edited by Lynne (July 15, 2022 6:27 pm)
- Gloria
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Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN
I feel the same Lynne. When I found out the truth about my gay ex I looked up why homosexual men marry straight women and this website showed up. I had been deceived and lied to and it helped me to read the stories of people who had had the same experience. I broke up with the gay man and am now married to a straight man but I still come to this forum to read and possibly offer encouragement. I think Straight spouse network was a good name.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN
...,,By the way, our pain is already on display and always has been. This is a free forum. Anyone can read it without registering. I think it's important to speak our truth for everyone to hear, if you want others to gain some understanding as to why it exists and why it's valid. Keeping it hidden is no better than the closet most of us were ushered into.....
Oh yes I know this, know that anybody can read the Forum. And yes when we've had the odd partner of a straightspouse come in and try to 'explain' him or herself in the Forum they haven't stayed long....except for Sean, and I never quite got my head around why he was given so much freedom here, or why members were so emamoured with his presence because all he ever did was acknowledge our pain......but this change of focus feels, to me, like a precursor to even more inclusivity and welcoming in of the LGBTQ community which, when I stop and think about it...should be good/could be good.
Then I think of the journey of the LGBTQ man or woman, years and years of growing up myself as a teenager and young person, then mother and friend (yes I had friends who were gay and I sympathised with their struggle, and the inequity and misunderstanding of their lives)...but nowhere in all the 4 years I've been a member have I seen or read of a straightspouse entering an LGBTQ space and opening up, telling his/herstory, being welcomed and understood. I haven't read all the bisexual forums of course but nowhere have I seen a gay person posting "I was reading SSN the other day....man it was sobering. Have any of you ever thought how much we hurt them?"
I'm so wary of their ra-ra authenticity that the thought of letting them into this space simply makes me angry. And a little sad because if they become part of our furniture...it's no longer our house.
Elle
KIA KAHA
- lily
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Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN
...Does anyone really think that other members would be allowed to disrupt our conversations? Permitted to discount our experiences? Dismiss it as homophobia or over the top hysteria? Allowed to taunt or tease people going through some of the worst moments of their life? And not be shown the door?
I do. We are already up against a headwind here. and how can an administrator police taunting?
acknowledging the pain we are in is never easy. This forum has been an incredible support for a lot of people - it is sad to see it crumbling.
- Daryl
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Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN
H Daryl,
Yes I read it. It gave me the impression that the main mission of SSN is to promote acceptance of LGBT to prevent future betrayal of spouses. That there should be mutual respect and empathy between the deceived spouse and the deceiver. That we haven't already explained how we have been damaged to our deceivers.
I suppose I thought the main focus here was on the straight spouse and supporting them through their difficult discovery. That's what it says above: "provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+." Regarding mutual respect and empathy, seems to me we are the only half of that equation who are capable of that. If our spouses were, this would have never happened to us. And the lack of remorse post discovery confirms that many of these individuals have serious empathy problems. There is also a how to guide for them to let us down easy and allow us to lead an authentic life as well. That is really strange.
And yes I believed there were rules limiting who can join this forum. Above it says SSN is "a peer-to-peer network". I always interpreted that as fellow deceived spouses.
Best to you.
Hi Lynn, it's true that some of us have/had spouses who will never acknowledge any damage caused or be remorseful for it. Those people may be lost causes and I fear there is no way for any organization to reach them. Those of us who might have spouses with more concern for our well-being might find that material useful to gain some insight into our perspective. For example, it might help an ex-spouse understand why we haven't moved on as quickly as perhaps they did. I think if it's useful to even one person, it's worth having.
I can't speak for OurPath, but I think the Org can have more than one goal. Supporting the straight spouse is the main one, in my opinion. Working to help society break down the barriers so that people can live authentically can be another. If people don't feel the need to hide alternative lifestyles inside what look like heterosexual marriages, there will be fewer of us, or at least that could be the dream.
As for this board, I would interpret peer to peer more as one individual to another, non-professional advice as it says up there. It also says that this forum is for discussion of issues related to mixed orientation relationships. It does not say you must be in one or that you must be the straight partner. Of course, most people here are the straight partner, but I think that's primarily because others wouldn't really have much reason to seek this board out.
Hope you're having a good day.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Daryl
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Re: Amazing changes coming to SSN
I'm so wary of their ra-ra authenticity that the thought of letting them into this space simply makes me angry. And a little sad because if they become part of our furniture...it's no longer our house.
Elle
I totally get that. I'd be quick on the report button if I saw someone join and start telling us how we should be happy, etc. I also expect it would be handled promptly. I don't believe there's an invasion coming, except for additional straight spouses who need help.
Take care.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer