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December 16, 2020 11:19 am  #1

What Do I Do??

My wife of 13 years just told me she is gay. We have 2 kids and live with my parents for the time being. She told that she was trying to work things out on her own. She want to remain best friends. She is not currently seeing anyone. She had some time mulling over her childhood and preteen young adult life. Our kids do not know but they are smart and probably suspect something. As for my parents I cant see them hurt. We have lived with for most of the kids lives.

I have done some things that I am not proud of and wish I can take things back. I have hurt my family in many ways and have asked for forgiveness many times. Covid is no help either. I am a chef and there is no work around unless I try new things.

Please be kind in your responds. I am very sensitive and liable to do anything.


December 16, 2020 12:34 pm  #2

Re: What Do I Do??

Make sure you take care of yourself.  Your emotions are legitimate and real, and you are allowed to feel them.  Talk to someone.  Go to therapy.  Whatever you need to do to start processing.  Your children are your other priority.  They need to feel loved and secure in all of this, no matter what happens between you and your spouse. Whether you remain "best friends" after all is said and done is such a highly personal thing between ex-spouses.  Only you can determine what is best for you.  As for your marriage, consider seeking legal advise and finding out your options before she hits you with any more surprises.  You need to know your rights.  

My husband came out after 14+ years married.  He had just moved us halfway across the country for his job, and I had no family, no friends, no support here.  COVID was shutting the country down.  I stayed because I was in survival mode.  It was what I needed at the time.  We are finally accepting that we need to move forward separately, and are figuring out how to do it.  

Also, remember that whatever you did in the past that hurt your family, did NOT make her gay.  I say this because, it seems like blame shifting is very common from the gay spouse.  Maybe she hasn't done this and maybe she never will.  But my husband tried this at one point. I finally told him, those aren't the things that broke our marriage.  "Well, they didn't help..." implying, that if we'd had a better marriage (which he also claims was great, happy and he loved our life together), maybe he wouldn't have fallen out of love with me and in love with a man.  No.  Nothing I could have done would have made a difference.  If you've hurt her or your family and owned up to your mistakes, there's nothing else you can do about that, other than move foward with dignity and try not to repeat past mistakes.  But it doesn't change who she is.

Last edited by ThisTooShallPass (December 16, 2020 12:37 pm)


December 16, 2020 8:59 pm  #3

Re: What Do I Do??

Have to agree with what ThisTooShallPass said. We've all made mistakes somewhere along the way and things we wish we could re-do and are deeply apologetic for. This doesn't cause someone to change their sexuality. Don't rush, don't panic. I know how overwhelming something like this can be and my heart goes out to everyone having to throw a pandemic into the pile as well. There is a path through this although you might not see it yet. Sometimes we have to take some small steps before we find the direction to go towards. I would concur that one of the most important things you can do at first is find someone to talk to. Either professionally or someone you trust to be your ally. If you look in the General Section of this board, there's a pinned thread called the First Aid Kit. Not everything may apply to you at this time but there's a lot of good advice there.

Be kind to yourself.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

December 17, 2020 1:27 am  #4

Re: What Do I Do??

Start considering your options for the future.  Remember that you are just as much in control as she is.  Don't let her dictate what happens.  

If you are not OK with her seeing someone else and being unfaithful, then set that ground rule.  if she breaks the rule then you know what step is next. 

But take time.. this isn't a race.  You move forward one step at a time when you are able to do so.  

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


December 17, 2020 5:06 am  #5

Re: What Do I Do??

So this is our situation:  We live with my parents. She works and I lost my job to Covid-19. We are both financially unstable. Only one car between us which is under my dads name. she sleeps in the same bed but under different covers.

She is telling me that she has been thinking about it since her tween years and have made out with some friends back then. I have noticed her obsession of Naya Rivera since her passing. Naya was the lesbian actor in Glee. She joined a group that had the same obsession both of men and women which I too was apart of but deletd it cause of the constant messaging. Then some how a girl from the UK managed to message her. Not really sure what they would talk about. Obviously of the same situation and decision making. 

So knowing that the only experience she has had was only kissing some friends with possible touching, Should that really make her gay or is she just using it to get out of a relationship?

     Thread Starter

December 17, 2020 12:39 pm  #6

Re: What Do I Do??

When someone tells you who they really are.. believe them.   She wouldn't tell you she was gay unless she knew it for sure. 

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


December 17, 2020 2:53 pm  #7

Re: What Do I Do??

Sorry you find yourself here. I agree with what everyone else above has already stated. Gay people don’t have to experience same sex relations to know they’re gay, just like you likely knew you were straight before you had a sexual experience with a woman. 


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