"He is VERY private and would lose his shit if he found out I told my friends."
Rene...my partner is very private, almost withdrawn. He said to me (in an email telling me all the secrets he had and dreams he'd had of experimenting with men) that he'd " ...die if anybody else reads this email" 
But I knew if I kept this to myself it would kill ME so I started with a counselor who gave me some 'homework' that involved asking my close family & friends what it was about me that made me important to their lives" It was kind of like a heads-up to them that something wasn't right with me and made it easier to confide in them about what exactly was happening
"But I will find someone, I just can't afford therapy right now.  I'm so thankful I found this forum."
If you go to a doctor he may be able to put you in touch with a counselor and it may cost nothing. I live in New Zealand and there is help for these kind of mental stresses.   

Elle

 

Rene,

Welcome.

I think a common thread on this site is the straight spouse feels at fault.  We are always at fault...its never the bi/gay/trans/alien partner..if we stand up even a tiny bit for ourselves they come down on us like a ton of bricks. They can hurt us all they want but we are not allowed to hurt them by
defending ourselves.

I do not think you are in an equal relationship.

This is not us leaving or even hurting them..this is them rejecting us