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- buck67209
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Re: The "Other" Other
OutofHisCloset wrote:
Buck
After the lies this man told and his cold discard of you, why do you think you can trust anything this man has told you about his children? I lived with a closeted man who once thought he would go public: when he was thinking of going public he didn't give a whit for his son's feelings, but when he decided to stay in the closet suddenly he was so concerned his son not find out. My educated guess is that the same thing is true with Steve/Josh: he uses his son's age and the fact his son is still at home to excuse his own behavior and to rationalize staying in the closet.
I also think you should be concerned about the wife's safety. You don't know what Steve/Josh is like at home, you don't want to set him off if he's cornered. You have made two attempts now. You have done enough.
I did already do the restricted certified letter earlier this morning. But that's my final attempt. Only she will be able to sign for it. Most likely, he will be gone when she receives it. I can pull up the tracking number to see when she gets it, and then I'll know for sure. They both are business executives. They don't fit the mold for physical abuse, but then again, you never know. Hopefully, that's not happening, but as I said, this is my final attempt.
- buck67209
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Re: The "Other" Other
I modified the message I posted yesterday slightly, just in case she did receive it already. I don't want her to think I'm trying to harass.
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###, forgive me if you saw my Facebook Messenger and Gmail messages. I don't trust that you did, whether it was mistakenly marked as spam, or your husband, Steve, intervened somehow.
And again, further into the letter.
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I'm sending this letter as restricted certified mail so I'll know it was you who signed for it. If you did see my other messages and are processing it all, note that this will be my last contact attempt. It is not my intention to bombard and overwhelm you, or to add to your trauma in any way. However, you can connect with me if needed. I will answer any questions you might have and provide further context. You can text message ### or email ###.
Last edited by buck67209 (November 16, 2020 12:23 pm)
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Thread Starter- OutofHisCloset
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Re: The "Other" Other
For future reference: There is no "mold" for physical abuse. It happens at all socio-economic levels of society, and abusers depend on their public image to protect them. Ever heard of the abuse scandals of the Catholic church? My own father had a PhD from Stanford; both he and my mother were professionals. He was verbally and physically abusive, to her and to us.
- buck67209
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Re: The "Other" Other
For future reference: There is no "mold" for physical abuse. It happens at all socio-economic levels of society, and abusers depend on their public image to protect them. Ever heard of the abuse scandals of the Catholic church? My own father had a PhD from Stanford; both he and my mother were professionals. He was verbally and physically abusive, to her and to us.
Yes, you are absolutely right. I'm still clouded by the perception he created. I need to acknowledge the possibility of other scenarios that could be much worse. Let's hope she's okay. The letter is gone. I'm done unless she wants to talk. I'll share if I learn anything.
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Thread Starter- TangledOil
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Re: The "Other" Other
Hi Buck,
You seem well intentioned and I appreciate that. This entire situation seems exceptionally nerve wracking. I do wonder if his wife knows anything about this already. Maybe they have some sort of agreement. One never knows, but I’d imagine if that were the case he would have told you from the get go, unless he thought you wouldn’t be onboard if you knew he had a wife. Are you sure he’s gay and not bi? Anyway I hope this works out as well as is possible for all involved. Also you may be able to find some info on this topic on Reddit as well.
Take care,
Tangled
- buck67209
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Re: The "Other" Other
Hi Buck,
You seem well intentioned and I appreciate that. This entire situation seems exceptionally nerve wracking. I do wonder if his wife knows anything about this already. Maybe they have some sort of agreement. One never knows, but I’d imagine if that were the case he would have told you from the get go, unless he thought you wouldn’t be onboard if you knew he had a wife. Are you sure he’s gay and not bi? Anyway I hope this works out as well as is possible for all involved. Also you may be able to find some info on this topic on Reddit as well.
Take care,
Tangled
Yes, he absolutely would have told me if they had an arrangement. I'm very open-minded about that sort of thing and he knew it. Also, after learning he was married, I sort of assumed he was bi, but he told me he identified as gay, and that he was functionally bisexual in the beginning, but he had no innate attraction toward women. He even would sometimes make fun of guys who identified as bi because he assumed their experience must be like his--gay in denial. I took him to task, explaining that bisexuality does exist, and there are people who are legitimately bi. Regardless, he firmly identified his sexual orientation as fixed gay, like mine.
I once met a guy when traveling who was bi-curious and wanting to hook up. He was married. He said his wife approved, but she wanted to talk to me first. I said okay, although I was caught off guard, and she asked me questions about my sexual health, my attitude toward open relationships, and a couple of other things I don't recall, but she was very friendly and warm. I thought it was really unusual, but kudos to them for having an agreement. It might not be for everyone, but honesty and transparency should be the foundation for any long-lasting relationship.
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: The "Other" Other
okay so what do you think bisexual means?
Have you ever ever ever heard of a bisexual in a long term gay relationship waking up in mid life and saying honey I am straight now, I want a woman? ??
- TangledOil
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Re: The "Other" Other
Thank you Buck,
My husband identifies as heteroflexable/bisexual. He finds it very frustrating that many truly gay people label themselves bisexual for a variety of reasons, thus contributing to bi-erasure.
Lily,
I’m pretty sure most of those that go from a bi to gay label we’re always gay, perhaps gay in denial, but always gay and that contributes to bi-erasure.
- buck67209
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Re: The "Other" Other
okay so what do you think bisexual means?
Have you ever ever ever heard of a bisexual in a long term gay relationship waking up in mid life and saying honey I am straight now, I want a woman? ??
I think bisexual means you are somewhere on the continuum between straight and gay. Some might lean more toward one side or the other, and some might fluctuate. Also, like my bf, some GIDs might use the bisexual label at first, but eventually accept that they are gay. Some straight identified men are heteroflexible, meaning they are sexually and romantically attracted toward women, but might have situational sex with men that is purely recreational with no potential for emotional attachment. The same goes for homoflexible men with women. My guess is that these men would be within 5-10% at either end of the continuum. Please note that I identify as 100% gay and always have, so I have no idea what it truly feels like to be bisexual or homoflexible.
Also, I have never heard of a bisexual in a same-sex relationship becoming fixed heterosexual, but that's not to say it hasn't happened, but I think it would be less likely to be fixed heterosexual than a shift more toward the heterosexual side of the continuum. However, like I said in a post on a different thread, there is a double standard. Bisexuals seem more comfortable disclosing their attraction toward both sexes in a same-sex relationship than in an opposite sex relationship, and that lack of transparency too often leads to trouble in those opposite sex relationships. Bisexuals should always disclose their orientation to partners at the beginning, regardless of them being same sex or opposite sex.
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: The "Other" Other
I think I'm right in saying the continuum idea is based on the Kinsey scale. Alfred Kinsey was married with children and received treatment to quell his gay urges. My view of the scale is I imagine it's a good way to describe how bisexuals feel but not the whole of humanity.
Physically speaking we have boys and girls making up the preponderance and a small amount of intersex in the middle.
Yeah, I agree, we don't know what it feels like to not feel 100% aligned in our orientation. But the same goes for bisexuals, they don't know what it feels like to be 100%.
My worry is the opposite to yours - it looks like the bisexual blurb is overtaking the known universe and I am concerned for the straight young women who knowingly enter marriage with a bisexual believing it will be like a straight marriage, a bit special even because he has picked her. And then they are stuck because they knew all along he was bisexual so it's their fault if they don't like it now. It is not. A straight needs a straight, 100%.