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- buck67209
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Re: The "Other" Other
I found her Gmail and hope she uses it. I included the same message, but added that she might have marked an earlier message as spam on Messenger. I wrote "Steve is cheating" in the subject line. I also added some screen shots of texts and chats that prove the affair--nothing salacious, just sweet talk, one wherein he includes a face pic, another discussing the passing of her mother, plus some of the initial chat where he sets up the divorced parent lie--there will be no doubt Josh is Steve, her husband, just in case he did something preemptive to make her think I'm not credible.
Daryl, I just read your recent post. I suspected the same could happen regarding my credibility. The screen shots should help. I just want her to get the message and fear she didn't for whatever reason because it appeared to have never been read before getting blocked. We'll see. If there is no confirmation, I still might do the letter and then leave it alone for good.
Last edited by buck67209 (November 15, 2020 5:50 pm)
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: The "Other" Other
buck67209 wrote:
My thoughts are... Maybe impractical or even impossible but it may have been better if you'd told her face to face. We all know how suspicious social media can make us. Nothing like a person... In person.., to make the whole thing more believable
Elle
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (November 15, 2020 6:54 pm)
KIA KAHA
- buck67209
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Re: The "Other" Other
How well do you know this man? That is a question I would ask myself first, before taking any further actions.
If I had received a message such as yours, I’m not sure I would have responded to the sender, maybe at a much later point in time.
A little over a year. Very emotionally intimate. He did discuss much about his kids, parents, and work, but very little about his wife. Possibly, because he didn't want to rub my nose in it? But, he would say things like, "she's very dramatic," which makes me think he gaslights her. She's a successful professional, though. Judging from her LinkedIn bio, she does not appear to be a shrinking violet. She's very accomplished, as is he.
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Thread Starter- buck67209
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Re: The "Other" Other
My thoughts are... Maybe impractical or even impossible but it may have been better if you'd told her face to face. We all know how suspicious social media can make us. Nothing like a person... In person.., to make the whole thing more believable
Elle
I thought about it. Frankly, I'm nervous as heck. They do appear to have a landline phone number listed, so I thought about calling. But yet, I think a certified letter with hard copies of evidence would be the most tangible approach. If she doesn't do anything with that, I'll leave it alone. Plus, she might contact me at some point in the future after she digests the information and gets her bearings. Or not. That's fine. I just think, as most here do, that she deserves to know so she can have agency in her marriage.
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Thread Starter- blindone
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Re: The "Other" Other
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I'm curious to know the response you receive from her. I discovered my GX cheated on me with men. Number one offense is the lying + betrayal. The fact that it was with men is just another layer. To me once a liar, always a liar. I've had thoughts of reaching out to the partner (female) of the man he was cheating with. Does she know? Maybe she does? Maybe she was part of their escapades? I'm still not settled on what I want to do. I commend you for giving the truth to the wife. And also provided her with resources. I commend you for being willing to talk with her. Please keep us updated......thank you again
- buck67209
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Re: The "Other" Other
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I'm curious to know the response you receive from her. I discovered my GX cheated on me with men. Number one offense is the lying + betrayal. The fact that it was with men is just another layer. To me once a liar, always a liar. I've had thoughts of reaching out to the partner (female) of the man he was cheating with. Does she know? Maybe she does? Maybe she was part of their escapades? I'm still not settled on what I want to do. I commend you for giving the truth to the wife. And also provided her with resources. I commend you for being willing to talk with her. Please keep us updated......thank you again
You know, I am his second romantic relationship (I think). The one a couple years prior to me lasted two years, and it was with another married man. They, too, were in love, but that man's wife found their text messages, which outed them. Steve said the woman knew his identity. He was sweating bullets and certain she would go right to his wife and tell her everything, but she never did, and he was spared being outed, too. Or was he? Maybe they did talk, and Steve's wife chose to ignore it, and not let Steve know that she knows? I'm beginning to wonder if it's possible. I'm not sure if she's seen the email, but I have not heard a thing. I'll still send the certified letter as assurance, but then I'll leave it alone.
I'll also add that I've met many gay men through the years who were previously heterosexually married, are well-adjusted, and seem to be great same-sex partners. The lies and gaslighting come from the closet compartmentalization. They are not emotionally healthy when repressed and closeted. I'm sure some remain liars and not trustworthy. But those who get right with themselves, acknowledge the pain they've caused to others, and take responsibility for their actions, can evolve into better human beings.
Last edited by buck67209 (November 15, 2020 10:04 pm)
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: The "Other" Other
there's the pride thing. It's deeply embarrassing to admit you have married a gay guy. just is. it's not an attitude, it's visceral, it is a painful burn. It doesn't last but facing up to it is to face up to going into pain. I think it triggers a protective form of denial in some wives. Head is buried in the sand. and they can become combative over it.
and also of course sometimes it turns out the wife is a bisexual too.
or she may be like me - I would have loved someone to tell me. Nobody did, I had to work it out for myself.
good on you for trying, but do be careful for yourself now.
and also like to add thank you to Longway for her story - I am another other's other, so it helped me too.
- buck67209
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Re: The "Other" Other
Thank you Lily, it's been a difficult story to tell and to accept too...all of our stories are difficult.
Buck, I'm with Daryl, good of you to try....I would urge caution, you really have no way of knowing what is going on in that home and what you are doing could actually blow into something you totally don't want. I don't necessary mean just your safety, but the people in that home, especially with kids. I urge you to think of those kids,
I agree and will leave it after the letter. As for his kids, two are in college, and one is age 15 and in high school. Steve told that his kids would be the most accepting of his sexuality. He has a great relationship with them, and they are smart and open-minded. When we discussed his coming out, they seemed to be the least of his concern, except, of course, he had some concern for the youngest because the teenage years can be a confusing time.
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Thread Starter- buck67209
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Re: The "Other" Other
Buck, I guess all I am trying to say is that at the end of the day, the man that you know, is not the same man he is at home. Most of these men, behave really badly at home and are abusive, that is the point I was getting at. Take care.
I appreciate the clarification. The possibility of physical abuse is something that never crossed my mind--only emotional abuse. Thank you for heightening my awareness of potential harmful fallout.
Last edited by buck67209 (November 16, 2020 6:52 am)
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Thread Starter- OutofHisCloset
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Re: The "Other" Other
Buck
After the lies this man told and his cold discard of you, why do you think you can trust anything this man has told you about his children? I lived with a closeted man who once thought he would go public: when he was thinking of going public he didn't give a whit for his son's feelings, but when he decided to stay in the closet suddenly he was so concerned his son not find out. My educated guess is that the same thing is true with Steve/Josh: he uses his son's age and the fact his son is still at home to excuse his own behavior and to rationalize staying in the closet.
I also think you should be concerned about the wife's safety. You don't know what Steve/Josh is like at home, you don't want to set him off if he's cornered. You have made two attempts now. You have done enough.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (November 16, 2020 8:01 am)