longwayhome wrote:

I second OoHC advice. I’m one of those straight spouses who knew nothing about her husband’s bisexuality.

They will lie to anybody to save their closet.

But, I have a different experience that I can share with you.  I’m not sure that everything about your relationship was a lie.

Upon discovery, I was overwhelmed by learning my husband was bi, which allowed for some conversations that might not have otherwise occurred. During a conversation about possible STDs, I asked him, how do you know this other guy isn’t meeting up with other guys and putting you at risk? The shock I saw on my husband’s face spoke volumes to me. His response - he isn’t. I found it odd and unacceptable. That’s when I realized that what my husband had told me, it’s just sex. No it wasn’t just sex. I saw such tenderness in his expression when he talked about this man. A tenderness I had never experienced from him myself. Everything registered for me.

I share that with you because maybe it can be helpful for you in moving forward knowing that they do have true feelings but their closet is still more important for many of them. So, I would still run if I were you. Take care.

Thank you! Yes, I believe it's his closet talking, and gaslighting. I'm moving forward, but I need to deal and heal.

janett747 wrote:

Good for you! That is so excellent of you to share resources! Please keep up posted if you are comfortable!

I will. I really care. I have not heard anything, but of course, she might not respond, at least for a while, if at all. I hope she has notifications turned on. I don't use Messenger much myself, but I turned on my notifications for this purpose.

Josh (Steve) usually says hello in the morning. He didn't today, but that could also be because of the emotional intensity of our conversation yesterday and the relationship ending. Also, the whole family goes to Mass on Sunday morning, although with the pandemic numbers spiking, I'm not sure if it's perhaps being video streamed like it was in the spring. Basically, I'm on pins and needles right now with not knowing. I'm very anxious. I don't know what to expect. She might even come to my house. She could be angry, upset, in a state of shock--I want to be sensitive to her trauma and handle it right. Ugh.

Last edited by buck67209 (November 15, 2020 12:27 pm)

OutofHisCloset wrote:

Buck,
   That took courage on your part.  
   Just remember.  This is Steve/Josh's burden and shame to bear, not yours.  Don't do his emotional heavy lifting for him.  It's also their marriage to sort out.  Once you tell Steve/Josh that you've alerted his wife, and that you're done, go "no contact." 

Edited to add:
   Your choice to do the ethical thing is in direct contrast with the pathological behavior developed by the closeted.  
    I have a further question: do you think any of the resources on the closet that you shared with your former lover (Steve/Josh) would be useful for straight spouses?  And if so, would you be willing to post them here on your thread?

Thank you. I'm not going to bother to alert Steve. I'm afraid he might do preemptive damage control to confuse her. As far as I can tell, she has not read her message yet. It has the gray circle with the white check mark. I don't use Messenger much, but I believe that means it has been delivered and seen, but not opened. I sent another message: "Steve is cheating. I thought this might better alert you in the preview. Note my previous message. Sorry." My first began with an introduction, which she might have thought was spam. "Steve is cheating" might prompt her. 

I agree that this is for them to work through once disclosed. However, if she contacts me with questions, or needs more context, I'll talk, of course.

Last edited by buck67209 (November 15, 2020 2:18 pm)

Totally possible she read your message and blocked you, maybe she thought it was spam or she didn’t want to read it. I think any of the other options have an equal chance of success. I dunno how you could ensure she gets a letter though. She may know what he does and is choosing to ignore all of this too.

Personally, I think that’s a good idea. Good luck!