This is a tough one, to be sure.  All I can offer is the insight that comes from having lived through the stages of separation from my now ex after he made a similar disclosure to me. 
  Your position vis-a-vis your daughter-in-law is not what your husband's is as her husband, so you do not have the same degree of emotional detachment to achieve.  You welcomed her into your family because your son loved her, but your primary attachment was, is, and will always be for your son.  She's been part of your family for less than a year, so you haven't had the time to develop a deep relationship with her.  Your son, on the other hand, fell in love with her, and made a commitment to her, and mingled his life and his sense of who he is and what he wanted out of life with her.  He's bonded to her, and thinks of himself as part of a couple--and he is used to taking her feelings into account, wanting the best for her, and seeking to provide that.  Naturally, then, it's much, much more difficult for him to detach emotionally, and the blow she's dealt him with her revelation cuts much deeper and in intimate ways. 
   As a consequence, his emotional detachment and healing are going to come in stages, and this is the first one, in which he wants everything to be the same even though it's changing.  He wants to manifest his love for her, he wants her to remain as part of your family.  He needs that.  He won't always need it.  Next year at this time, he's going to be in a very different place emotionally.  
  I'm not saying that you should "treat her the same," only that it's useful to understand that your son is not where you are, and not where he will be, and to take that into account.  The reality is that your daughter-in-law is on her way out of your family and out of your life--and your son's, too, although at the moment he's not able or prepared to fully understand and accept that fact, and she may not be, either, because although she has managed to express the truth about her sexuality, she isn't yet at a place where she can accept that there are consequences for it, and she is going to have to deal with them--which is that she isn't going to continue to be married to your son.  (For one thing, it wouldn't be fair to your son for her to expect him to stay married to a woman who cannot commit intimately to him.)  The reality is that things HAVE changed.  She is no longer part of your family in the same way as she was when they married.  
   I don't know what relation you have to son, but I think this is something to be discussed with him.  You can't force yourself to feel what you don't, and trying to pretend that nothing has changed sounds like a recipe for an uncomfortable Thanksgiving.  Is it possible to tell your son that she is welcome, and to tell her she is welcome, but to also make it clear that just as their marriage is no longer on the same footing as it was, your relationship to her doesn't feel the same, either.  You can welcome her graciously, and wish her well, without pretending nothing has changed.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (November 5, 2020 11:00 am)

Thank you so much for your insight. It really helps me to understand a little more about how he is feeling right now. It makes so much sense that he would want to hold on to what he can, while figuring out how to separate. And It also makes sense that she does, too, in a way. And that she doesn't yet understand that there will be consequences, no matter if they are still best friends. Their relationship is not the same, and my relationship with her can not be the same. I have a good relationship with my son, and up until now, we used to talk about pretty much anything. This subject is one he doesn't talk with me much about, but he does talk to a therapist, thank goodness.  It's been hard for me not to talk much about it with him, but me asking questions was stressful for him, and I don't want to add to an already unbelievably difficult situation. I will try to think of her as his best friend, and try to treat her like I treat his other friends, although those friends haven't hurt him, so it can't be exactly the same.  I'm not sure if I can talk to him about how I am feeling about her yet, with out his feelings getting hurt, which is the last thing I want to do.  I have talked to my other son about it, and he feels the same. We are in it for his brother, and will take our lead from him. It is her birthday tomorrow, and normally, I would have had fun picking out a cute, personal gift- I've never had a daughter, and I so loved having a girl in the family. Sigh. But, instead, I sent her an Amazon gift card.  I couldn't bear getting personal. I'm so sorry you had to live through this, and I hope your family was able to be supportive to you in all of the right ways. I'm still learning, for sure.  In this case, I think I am going to "suck it up, buttercup", because, like you said, this year will most likely be the last holiday season where she will be involved. Another difficulty in the situation is that she is estranged from her family. It's a huge long story, but she and her siblings and mom were abused for several years by her father. They are also homophobic. So, I think part of my son's reluctance to let go involves him protecting her from them, and also providing her with a loving extended family. At this point, I know he has no obligation to do so, but I think he feels like he does. And in this way, she is really getting all the benefit from the situation, where he gets none. Not to mention, she works part time and goes to school, so he pretty much pays all the bills, which he doesn't seem to mind, but I find it concerning.  That said, she has always been delightful, loving and caring to all of us, so I have a hard time thinking she is just manipulating him for personal gain, but the thought does cross my mind, even though she has never given me any reason to think she is a "taker". It's all so hard. I really appreciate you sharing your experience, and again, I'm so sorry that you have had to live this.  The mom heart in me breaks for all of you on this site.

um, well, I do think it likely she is in it for personal gain, just the fact that she is so delightful is a red flag for manipulator to me.  Chump Lady might be a good site for your son when he's ready for it.

and thank you for your kind comments, I really appreciate the understanding.
 

@Suzanne, Thanks so much for your kind words, and ((hugs)) right back to you.  There is nothing like being able to talk to people who understand what you're going through, and I appreciate everyone who has responded!

@Lily- you may be right, and I may be looking at her through the lens of a mother who wants to believe she is still the person she was when I met her 3 years ago. Or who I thought she was at that time. I've always welcomed my kid's SO's with open arms, because a friend once told me that your kid will choose them over you every time, so treat them like your own.  I will keep my guard up though, and be watching for signs that she is taking advantage of him. I can see why he wouldn't want to see this, so I need to be the voice (or for now, silent voice) of reason. 
 

Last edited by SadMom (November 5, 2020 2:24 pm)

Thanks, Elle, my eyes are really being opened today. Fortunately, they are super young (he's 23 and she's 22), so they don't own anything together except their dog.  Even their car is the one we got him when he was in college (in my husbands name). But, I agree that he should be careful.  I tried to kind of broach the subject a couple of weeks ago. He said they are in no hurry to make things legal, and for now, they are just concentrating on how to figure out living together while slowly separating. Helping each other emotionally as well. I just read the survival guide on the main page this morning, though, and saw the part that says don't seek comfort from the person who is hurting you, and I can see that he's doing that.  My plan is to quietly urge them to physically separate when they can. Their lease isn't up until next fall. ugh. Thanks for your advice, I truly appreciate it.  I'm so glad I found this site.