Sonata,

A warm welcome to the forum.


It's very hard to see a solution when you're in this situation.

For myself it was traumatizing..she would say she loved me but then was actively cheating and calling me horrible names to her girlfriend.   Her words became meaningless..if she said the sky was blue I didn't know if I could believe her.

It's a journey I think..I think it becomes more about ourselves than our spouses..
What do YOU want ? How much hurt is acceptable or ok in a relationship YOU are part of? How does him going out to meet a buddy for a beer make YOU feel?  What do you want in life..what would be ideal and make YOU at peace and happy?
What do YOU think the word love should mean in a relationship?

I think many of us here think about our spouses more than we think about ourselves because we love them so much. That is ok and right...but with their revalation of TGT it forces us to redirect a bit of, or sometimes all of, that fierce love to ourselves.   It feels foreign to us but our spouses keeping such pertinent information from us..we know in our bones is not right.
It is not loving or looking out for us.

In the words of Kel on the board here long ago.."if you're not looking out for yourself, who is?"  We thought it was our spouse..but now we find they were not.   

Do not feel any guilt or shame in now reaching in and asking yourself those questions.

Sonata,

My husband cheated with men for our entire marriage until I finally had enough on him for him to admit to ONE man 6/1/19. He finally admitted to the rest (knowing I was going to get a polygraph) 11/24/19. Then, he wanted an open marriage, too. I’m strictly monogamous, so he had to decide. He doesn’t want a relationship with a man, just oral sex every couple of weeks. So, if we separated, he would have 20-30 minutes of “Whoopie!” ...that he’d be throwing away a lifetime of a marriage for that & it wasn’t worth it. So, we’ve been trying to work it out. He’s been faithful & is trying to work on our relationship. He’s going to counseling. 
When he asked me for an open marriage, I told him he had a lot of nerve after having sex with men all those years behind my back & then asking for my blessings to do it. He also showed NO respect for my beliefs when he did that. Needless to say, he never brought it up again. He knows if he wants to have sex with men again, that our marriage will be over. NO discussion. 

We’re working on it & have our ups & downs, but he’s been faithful & is actually proud of it. He’s in counseling and doing all the things he’s ‘supposed’ to do, sometimes even after I’ve not been really nice. 

best of luck to you.

(((((HUGS))))

januceyes1,

I feel the pain of what you are saying.  So sorry you are feeling this.  I wish you and me and all of us some peace from all of this, i really do!

Hi Sonata
I've been following the Forum for some months now, always more focused on the MOM section, at least in the beginning. Last January I found out that my husband of more than 30 years had had physical contact with men. These last months were the worse nightmare I have ever been through.
I decided to register today because I totally identified with what you wrote and the point where you are. Someone recommended that I wrote a diary with my thoughts about all this and what I wrote on that diary yesterday was strikingly similar to what you wrote in your post. That's what encouraged me to register after all these months. I just wanted you to know. 
I wish we weren't here, none of us, but if there's one thing that I've learned is that we should focus more on ourselves, on what we wish and like. It's hard to take decisions though, as if our brain hasn't quite understood or adapted to what's going on.
Take care, together  we are stronger.