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This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. The results from SSN’s Annual Summer Donation Drive are in! Together with your help, SSN raised $16,381 during our annual Summer Donation Drive! That’s 109% of our goal! Learn more about how the funds will be utilized.

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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


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Our year-end fundraising campaign is officially complete and with your generous help we raised $13,813 to serve straight spouses in need. From all of us at SSN, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.

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October 21, 2020 4:25 pm  #11


Re: Why do our GID wives (or husbands) refuse to come out?

Tangled, thanks. “It” all started 3,2018, so the big storm has passed for the most part. Until I get a trigger or something happens that makes me do something crazy like I did the other night, and came to a wild & wrong conclusion for no reason. He heard me spouting off about it when I was in the shower. I didn’t know he was there & said some pretty awful things. I came out & he was sitting there ..🥴. I explained & we got it settled with a big apology from me. He hasn’t done ANYTHING to make me suspicious so I was way off base. 
Nuf said on that! 

You’re really lucky your husband has & does want to stay faithful. I would have been glad to be compassionate &  done what I could to make things easier, short of opening the marriage. 
Since my husband has already “explored “ 🤬 all he wanted all these years, I feel no guilt in not agreeing to having him do it now with my approval. No way. 

He says right now that he doesn’t have the urge to go out & be with men. Just waiting to see what he does when the storm passes.

 All the best to you two, too (((((((HUGS)))))).

 

October 21, 2020 4:41 pm  #12


Re: Why do our GID wives (or husbands) refuse to come out?

Thank you Susanne, 

I think he does have a fairly strict moral compass. I think he may still be open to exploring, but ONLY if he truly believed I was on board somehow. We’ve spoken about this and at this point even if he thought I was on board he’d never fully be able to believe it to be the case and wouldn’t explore anyway. So nothing’s happening. We have a lot more fun now than at least in the last couple years before his revelation. We can even joke about most of this and we’ve added a few things into the bedroom. He was tired of keeping the secret when he finally told me 10 months ago and he was in an awful place and he just knew I’d leave him so he told me everything because he figured he had nothing to lose at that point. I’m having a rough week because I keep going to a place in my mind where I reconsider all of the options and I end up feeling guilty. Sucks really. My husband doesn’t bring it up so at this point it’s all on me. He wishes I wouldn’t torture myself with this and so do I. 

 

October 21, 2020 4:57 pm  #13


Re: Why do our GID wives (or husbands) refuse to come out?

Tangled,

Don’t torture yourself. I’ve been there. It hurts. Sounds like you’ve got a good husband there 😉. He’s right about this.

 

October 21, 2020 7:10 pm  #14


Re: Why do our GID wives (or husbands) refuse to come out?

rekamc wrote:

Julian_Stone wrote:

What were some of the things that clued you in to your wife's non-straight sexuality?

sigh... I'm gonna write all the obvious signs when I'm back home later tonight. I'm gonna feel like a massive idiot too because it was/is blatantly evident that she is gay/les. I honestly can't believe all "this" (clues, signs, innuendos, hints and whatnot) went by me without me noticing it

Do not beat yourself up over this. This is the last thing any of us expected would happen to us...
I mean, Jesus, even Elton John had a wife up until the late 80s (!!)

 

 

October 21, 2020 11:10 pm  #15


Re: Why do our GID wives (or husbands) refuse to come out?

Susanne, 

I think I have a good husband mostly and I hope I can continue to think so going forward. I don’t know why I periodically torture myself. Now it seems the time in between in about 6 weeks. I’m doing better with time but I hate when I’m in this funk. When I’m coming out of the funk I feel guilty again, but then it’s for being so distrusting of how things will work out going forward. Everything is a work in progress. 

Tangled 

 

October 22, 2020 9:45 am  #16


Re: Why do our GID wives (or husbands) refuse to come out?

SusanneH:
    You say that your husband has the "option to leave" if he can't refrain from cheating on you with men.  I hope that you have given some thought to YOUR options, what you will do, how you will level a consequence, should he do so.  

 

October 22, 2020 10:16 am  #17


Re: Why do our GID wives (or husbands) refuse to come out?

OutofHisCloset wrote:

SusanneH:
    You say that your husband has the "option to leave" if he can't refrain from cheating on you with men.  I hope that you have given some thought to YOUR options, what you will do, how you will level a consequence, should he do so.  

OoHC,

If he decides he can’t be without men, I can not continue a marriage, so it would be over. The consequence it that HE would have to initially move & give me a year or so *however long I need* to find where I want to live, buy a house & take the time to pack & move. We live on some land he inherited & I would not take it away from him, however I didn’t cause this so if we have to split, it won’t be me that has to pick up & move right away. He’d have to do that. I’d have to move away as I won’t want to watch him live out ‘new’ life.

Hoping it doesn’t come to that, of course, but we have talked about it just in case so we have a plan in place. 

 

 

October 22, 2020 10:27 am  #18


Re: Why do our GID wives (or husbands) refuse to come out?

Hi Susanne,

sorry to mention this but as it happened to me I couldn't help thinking about it - my ex became nicer to me again towards the end of our time together, it was directly connected to the ill-health of my parents.  If you are in the situation that an inheritance of some sort is expected then I would suggest putting it in a separate account when it comes.

 

 

October 22, 2020 10:47 am  #19


Re: Why do our GID wives (or husbands) refuse to come out?

lily wrote:

Hi Susanne,

sorry to mention this but as it happened to me I couldn't help thinking about it - my ex became nicer to me again towards the end of our time together, it was directly connected to the ill-health of my parents.  If you are in the situation that an inheritance of some sort is expected then I would suggest putting it in a separate account when it comes.

 

Thanks, but it’s his inheritance, not mine. And, I'd never think of trying to take it away. The land has been in his family for generations & split & split, etc. 

I have my own inheritance in a separate account. Not intended to be for this purpose; just happened that way.

Last edited by SusanneH (October 22, 2020 10:49 am)

 

November 11, 2020 12:44 pm  #20


Re: Why do our GID wives (or husbands) refuse to come out?

I think it's laziness, they get used to being taken care of, and we don't have the ability to leave. So we stay, they stay.....and pray that the last breath we draw is sooner rather than later.


Go not quietly into that great, good night......Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
 

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