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1 of 1- rebecca
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Husband likes shoes/stockings...how far will it go?
When my husband and I were talking about getting married, he told me his big secret: he likes wearing women's shoes and stockings.It was a fetish he said he doesn't understand. I was so relieved that the secret wasn't that he was married or had an STD, etc., that I didn't care--after all, he's still his wonderful self. (And thank you to Ann Landers, who replied with cool equanimity 40 years ago when a writer broached this topic with her.)
He wears his getup in front of me and is happy when I compliment the color or style.
We obviously got married. But a while later I realized I'm worried about how far he'll go. Now that it wasn't a deep dark shameful secret, where would his self-exploration take him? Would he decide he's bi? (he definitely loves my female form) Wants to wear dresses? More than I can handle?
But he reassured me it's just shoes. He's not transgender. (I can see 'female' qualities in him--he's nurturing and sweet and gentle; I'm the tougher one, in some ways, in our relationship.) He's not bi.
He likes to wear short-shorts to show off his legs. And skirts--though I've requested he not do that in front of me, which he happily complies with since he doesn't want to make me uncomfortable.
Well today when hugging him, he had something hard underneath his shirt--he had on a sports bra, which he was hesitant to show me but then did. He said he likes how snug it makes him feel.
He's also recently joined a chat group which I think is making him more bold -- which is what I brought up a few years ago after we got married, that he doesn't know where his needs will lead him since he never explored that side of himself before.
I love him. He's the most wonderful partner I could imagine--better than I could imagine. I just wish he...had stopped at stockings and shoes, which I overall truly don't mind him wearing. Even coming to SSN is really hard for me, because people have thought I'm a lesbian, so the last thing I want is a gay-like husband! (that's my baggage, not his fault)
We have excellent communication and lots of respect. I'm grateful that I can say "I accept 90% of what you do" and he's fine with not doing the 10%. I've encouraged him to go out in heels when we're on vacation, I'm happy he found a peer group. I know I'm a kick-ass really supportive wife, even if I'm not 100% supportive (90% is pretty damn good and better than most).
It's just become a lot, with the bra today. It's not what I signed up for! And how much more will he want to do? He reassured me once no further--but he's leapfrogged past that boundary. I'm uncomfortable. It's weird--part of me doesn't care (shrug, it's just who he is, I love being married to him) and some part of me clearly does. I'm actually a little surprised I'm not more upset about the bra.
Not looking for answers. Just wanted to vent/share, since only one friend of ours knows about his fetish (I encouraged him to tell her), but she and I had a falling out so I can't talk to her.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Husband likes shoes/stockings...how far will it go?
rebecca wrote:
.......Not looking for answers. Just wanted to vent/share, since only one friend of ours knows about his fetish (I encouraged him to tell her), but she and I had a falling out so I can't talk to her.
Rebecca 
welcome to the Forum. ....this is the best place to vent. A safe area, the members know where you're coming from. Sad that you've lost the support of a friend but maybe if you had been the one to confide in her, instead of the man dressing in women's clothes, there may have been more of a bond. We're all here for you but it's so valuable to have the confidence of somebody you can talk to face to face. A friend, member of your family, a counselor
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Julian_Stone
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Re: Husband likes shoes/stockings...how far will it go?
.......Not looking for answers. Just wanted to vent/share, since only one friend of ours knows about his fetish (I encouraged him to tell her), but she and I had a falling out so I can't talk to her.
We're all here for you but it's so valuable to have the confidence of somebody you can talk to face to face. A friend, member of your family, a counselor
This times a million...so important for *you* to have someone to confide in. <3
- rebecca
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Re: Husband likes shoes/stockings...how far will it go?
I actually talked to my husband after I posted this. Thanks for giving me space to let out my emotions; I can't betray his trust by telling anyone about his shoe wearing so I came here.
We talked, and will continue the conversation, finding compromises that work for both of us. I'm lucky in that he is thrilled I accept 90% of what he does and he volunteered (on his own) to not wear any more bras because they're not his main fetish so if it bothers me, he won't. I actually pushed back, since if he wants to wear a bra he wants to, but he insisted it wasn't important to him--the shoes and stockings are what he so badly needs to wear.
(note: I was with my husband when he told our friend and she was very supportive; we're not talking for totally unrelated reasons)
Anyway, thanks for providing a safe space.
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Thread Starter- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Husband likes shoes/stockings...how far will it go?
Rebecca,
You're right to worry about how far it will go. From what you wrote, it appears that his fetish is not limited to shoes, as he likes to wear "short shorts" and a skirt, and recently started wearing a bra. Because his shoe fetish has already expanded, and you yourself are thinking of him in terms of whether he's transgendered (your comment that he has "female" qualities), it would definitely be a good idea for you to decide what you "can handle" and what your course of action will be if/when his "needs" lead him to move beyond what you've discussed or what you have decided you can handle.
- Zenobia
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Re: Husband likes shoes/stockings...how far will it go?
Welcome Rebecca. Hope you find this a good place to vent and sort through your feelings.
In my instance there was no disclosure until several years into the the relationship when I walked in on him wearing my underwear. It did escalate from there as your mention of feeling the bra during a hug is a situation I’ve been in. Escalation has increased further and beyond what I can handle. Much different though, other issues have drifted the relationship so it has been a combo of TTT and other conflict Due to that I don’t really know how different things would be if it were TTT combined with a close/strong relationship.
Early on I didn’t think much of it as my exH privately did some cross dressing. But in his case it never escalated and he preferred to keep it private. I assumed it was similar with my current spouse but it has been completely different. Sounds very good that you have good communication going.
- MarieSimoneLoraine
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Re: Husband likes shoes/stockings...how far will it go?
"people have thought I'm a lesbian, so the last thing I want is a gay-like husband! (that's my baggage, not his fault)".
I totally share your desire to avoid having a gay-like husband. I am a 5'11" tall, flat-chested 68 year old woman. My husband has admitted to me that he would imagine me as a man when having sex with me. There was no vaginal sex after the kids were born; we agreed it was best due to my problems with repeated UTIs.
I have heard the 'too tall to be a woman' since I was 12, from strangers and others, but I knew I was just tall like my brother is tall at 6'4". People also thought of me as a lesbian. They wanted to change me, get me to look different, more like a woman. Breast implants were suggested by my doctor but I saw no reason to do this. I was healthy and I had a husband who loved me just as I am, or so I thought.
Four years ago, images of Michelle Obama in pants, with shadow effects added to suggest she has a penis, were circulating in my group of friends who found this funny. I did not, at all. Our friends, one in her early sixties having just had a boob job in Thailand, became pushy with me, ridiculing my body. Eventually I cut all ties with them. I became so depressed that when my husband approached me one morning, caressing my bum and expecting a bj, I told him to stop touching me as if I were a man. Later that day he told me everything about his life, sex with men before and during our marriage, until he stopped and became sober and faithful to me 14 years ago.
I don't know what baggage you carry to think it is not his fault. I don't feel responsible for other people's confusion and fantasies about my body parts or sexuality - their baggage not mine. I cannot shorten myself at 68.