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October 13, 2020 8:51 am  #1

Seriously Confused Any straight males can shed light?

Hi Everyone.  I wrote here before but I popped out again.  But I have unresolved questions that are driving me nuts and was wondering maybe if someone could shed some light on this.  I'm with my partner 15 years a long time.  We have an active sex life. Sometimes very active, sometimes less so with kids etc.  I always have a lingering question.  Even though we have sex, there is rarely any foreplay. No kissing, small groping and then thats it.   This issue really tears me up and keeps rearing its head.  I ask him from time to time how come we never kiss?  He says thats for kids.  I know this is not true.  I would enjoy everything alot more if there was intimacy.  I question a gay aspect constantly as I do not want a relationship with no foreplay.   He makes an effort these days but really its about 2 minutes of rubbing me and thats it.  BUT- If he was gay why would he be able to have sex easily?  This is a question that goes around my head and it is driving me nuts.   This morning he saw me coming out of the shower and pounced, I went ahead with it but again it was cold and hardly any foreplay.  I feel he has does not want to be intimate with me.  There is no lying together watching tv none of the close things you see with couples.  It is very matter of fact.  There is no oral sex ever.  Maybe my intuition is on over time but i'm not feeling great about this situation.  Anytime I try discuss it it doesn't end well, usually an argument ensues so i just go along now to preserve the peace but its getting me down.


October 13, 2020 10:33 am  #2

Re: Seriously Confused Any straight males can shed light?

I’m not a straight male, but a straight female. I’m in a group (on fb) of about 65 women and we discuss these things often. A good handful of women in the group are not into kissing AT ALL. I think it’s just a personal preference and not necessarIly an indicator of anything else. Some women say their husband’s are more into foreplay then they are. Those women say they just want to get it over with and get to sleep or do whatever else they want to do. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Last edited by TangledOil (October 13, 2020 11:42 am)


October 13, 2020 11:15 am  #3

Re: Seriously Confused Any straight males can shed light?

Not a straight man (straight woman)—but, for me, kissing and oral sex are far more intimate than intercourse...and I wouldn't have a truly satisfying sex life without either. So, I really empathize with you. I imagine most people probably feel the same way. 

It could be simply that you're just incompatible (sexually)....A good sex therapist can help you untangle that....and work through intimacy barriers. 

It is possible (as you worry) that your husband is gay or a gay-leaning bisexual. I was pretty shocked to learn how many gay men have or had sex with women. For many, the physical stimulation (+ the wondrous imagination) is enough to sustain an erection...not so easy with oral sex, naturally...so, I understand why you're concerned. 15 years is a long time: Has it always been this way?



October 14, 2020 8:07 am  #4

Re: Seriously Confused Any straight males can shed light?

Thanks for responses. yes Julian Stone, he has always been this way.  I find too sometimes that after sex he either gets a super happy or b preoccupied like anger!!  It sure is a mind f**k at this stage.  It seems the intimate side of a relationship is what seems to be consistently missing.  I don't bring it up any longer as a fight ensues and the topic gets skewed and thrown back at me.  I just find lately as i'm getting older (40) i'm feeling very lonely.  Its like there is something missing and i can't put my finger on it.

     Thread Starter

October 14, 2020 10:43 am  #5

Re: Seriously Confused Any straight males can shed light?

I'm sure many here can relate to some aspects of your story, but none of us can say whether or not your husband is gay. Gay or straight, it seems like he has major communication issues. I would tell him—calmly—not during or after an argument...that you'd like to try marriage counseling...You can pitch it as "marriage maintenance" so it's less intimidating. A third party can help initiate these important conversations in a non-threatening way and help you get to the root cause of the intimacy issues. 

Feeling lonely in a relationship is really awful...hope you can work it out. <3
Are you on reddit? Maybe try posting to the Marriage community for a wider response. https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/


October 14, 2020 12:35 pm  #6

Re: Seriously Confused Any straight males can shed light?

To me it sounds like intimacy issues and perhaps a little selfishness on his part. The problem is that you can't work like that in a marriage. There has to be some give and take in everything. I would hope he's willing to work on this to the mutual benefit of the marriage. Like Julian suggests, the approach is critical. It's not that he's doing it wrong, but that sometimes it could be approached in a way that's engages you a bit better. (Extra - definitely pick the right time when he's happy vs. preoccupied or some other time when he's content.)

Last edited by Daryl (October 14, 2020 12:37 pm)

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

October 17, 2020 7:47 am  #7

Re: Seriously Confused Any straight males can shed light?

My husband I are working on staying together. He is still in the basement as I am nervous in having sex with him. He is being patient  and taking it slow. We started holding hands while watching tv  and stroking each other’s backs.  I am having a hard time getting past the images in my head........ and he also has issues with kissing and real intamacy......Any advice or thoughts?  I realize it is a trust issue.....

Last edited by Figstrong (October 17, 2020 8:40 am)


October 18, 2020 9:58 am  #8

Re: Seriously Confused Any straight males can shed light?

I’m 28. Got out at 25. Got a confession. Escaped marriage. Dodged a bullet. Amen... Still picking up the pieces! 

If you think your man is gaslighting you, don’t give him the satisfaction. Go: “really sorry but I’m not buying it, I need a second opinion, I just need [male close friend] to confirm what your saying is true”. Trust me, the gay narcissist relies on his women to absorb all the shame and suffer in silence. A husband should not think he has the power to confirm his wife’s reality. Don’t become the victim of your own shame. Start talking to your friends and let him know about it. Let them look after you. It’s what they’re there for ;) Make him stand up to a jury. It saved me and it’s saved others. 

I’ll give you a story. Girl gets engaged to man. He says he doesn’t believe in sex before marriage. She buys it. They go through with the wedding. On the honey moon he starts playing up. Starts feeding her with loads of lies. They don’t consummate the marriage. Plane lands. She gets off, walks straight up to her Dad and says: “get me a divorce, this man’s gay”. Him his Mum and Dad swear blind he’s not, claim she’s a nymph. Community goes, hang on we want to hear her out. She tells all. They conclude: he’s gay. She gets a rushed through divorce. (This is not my story. But it’s true). 

I’ll give you another story. On a night out on the town with the girls, one poses to the group: “So I’m going out with this guy, I really like him but...he says he doesn’t like giving oral sex, which I find a turn off, what do you think?”. Unanimous answer: hello no! Misogynist, gay, fanny hater.... don’t care.. just no. Liberty to think he could say that. 

Don’t think “what would Jesus say”  think  “what would Gloria Steinem say”. Saves a women every time! If you think he’s gay... you think he’s gay, why do you have to wait for him to sign off what you think? 

Last edited by ExBeard (October 20, 2020 5:19 pm)


October 18, 2020 10:45 am  #9

Re: Seriously Confused Any straight males can shed light?

ExBeard wrote:

Don’t think “what would Jesus say”  think  “what would Gloria Steinem say”. Saves a women every time! If you think he’s gay... you think he’s gay, why do you have to wait for him to sign off what you think? 

Wow!  That is a powerful perspective that I've never heard before.  I just might have to steal it!  Exbeard makes an extremely important point.  If that is what you think and feel, then that holds weight.  If you don't like it, you've communicated, behavior doesn't change, then I would be looking at why.  You shouldn't have to feel like you're keeping the peace.  If it's a problem for you, then it's a problem for the relationship.  Please keep yourself healthy--having someone blame you and cause a scene to avoid solving the problem is not being a good partner.  It is his own hangup-it is not you.  Ask yourself this question: would you want this for your own children?  If not, then why is it okay for you?


October 18, 2020 2:29 pm  #10

Re: Seriously Confused Any straight males can shed light?

The sex therapist/intimacy expert notion unnerves me. Before my ex came out to me we had the no oral sex chat. I found it painful. He suggested a therapist. I didn’t like the idea that I should attend when it’s his issue. I wanted him to ‘want‘ to do it. Not do it after a therapy session. 

Last edited by ExBeard (October 21, 2020 5:13 pm)


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