Clintonia - I am so sorry for what you are experiencing. I resonate with much of what you have said. We experience a second layer of trauma with the invalidation of our experience of trauma. It is not inconsequential. Others just don't always recognize the layers of sexual and relational betrayal and trauma.  I do believe healing is possible, though I have accepted that  my view regarding the"goodness of mankind" is forever changed. While disapointed with this, I can accept it. I think it is possible to hold the AND view. I can be angry and traumatized by the abuse and dismissal AND recognize they may have developed adaptions as an adolescent that contributed to maladaptive behaviors as an adult, that they are just coming to terms with. The harm to you should not be minimized by whatever his experience is. I do think life gets better, but I am not sure it ever returns to the "normal" you once knew. For me, filling the "holes", has been a painful and illuminating journey. I always "filled" with all my attention on a male partner; and now have chosen to stay single to learn to fill me with "me". It has been the most empowering experience of my life. It isn't as exciting or romantic, but it is deeply satisfying and provides a security that I know will sustain me for life - since it is born of me.  I think of it as learning to fill the "holes" caused by harm from others, of "not-enoughness", with your own superglue of self-loving affirmation.  Learn to "have your own back". And know that others care about you, too. 

My therapist: 'Please don't speak to anyone about this'. Trying to prevent the second layer of trauma which Dandelion just described.  

Agree. It reads your struggling with lack of acknowledgement and validation. Feel your experience is being downplayed and denied. Hampering your recovery. I found this more traumatic than the coming out. Became angry with those who lacked sensitivity and understanding. Which soon became everyone. Ended up feeling isolated, alone and invisible. Stopped going out and watched my social life go down the pan. I simply couldn't take another jarring comment.

My perfect world became unjust. I lost all sense of navigation. How could one do everything right only to get destroyed by another and no one care?

I hope my post makes you feel validated and less alone. It does get better. 

Last edited by ExBeard (October 21, 2020 11:08 am)

@Exbeard, that's generally what I've been going through for a long time. I've contemplated removing myself from all connections to friends and family for a good while. People do take it out on me when I speak up about it. No one recognizes this occurrence, yet we live saturated in a society in which I can't escape the bombardment of Pride ("love has actually won!") everywhere. I can't stand the cognitive dissonance that people don't realize how incorrect they are. It seems like no one tolerates acknowledgement, let alone agrees with, the abuse happening. At minimum, they might say I'm complaining. How is this status quo okay? Why don't people who experience this want society to know what happens? It seems absurd to be silent and let one's life get runover by everyone because they choose not to acknowledge the abuse and violence as much as the original person. Why would your therapist suggest not to tell anyone? That seems horrifying and compounding of all wrong to me. Can anyone be considered decent who refuses to acknowledge decades of huge psychological abuse (that continues with their help)?

I did alright for several years on my own. I was "whole" for several years. The infiltration of this issue the past few years so I can't escape it has made it nearly impossible to function in a society I view as cheering the abuser, and not having any care for abuse whatsoever. My "wholeness" and well-being have been eroded by both him and society for cheerfully ignoring the lifelong abuse and trauma caused a straight person. Why is this status quo considered okay, rather than trying to educate people on the abuse?