Do you want your ex to control the narrative? This is what may happen if you never tell your side of the story. Your silence will make him look correct if he begins a conversation without your knowledge. Obviously you need to be age appropriate but I think kids appreciate the truth, even if it gets a bit revised as they mature. You don't have to make it sound like a 'pick me or him' situation. You can say you are certain of what you believed and couldn't continue in the marriage. If you don't think it's time to have the GID talk you can at least say his father was doing things that you couldn't overlook and stay together. What changed was the relationship between his parents, not his own relationship with either of you.

Telling the new GF. That one has come up before. Making the approach can make it seem like you are looking to wreck his life out of bitterness or revenge. If he's really in denial he will likely suggest similar ideas. As for the new GF, if she is falling for him, I doubt she would believe you, especially if you do not already know each other. If you met for some reason and she asked why you split - maybe the best answer might be he cheated? That would leave it hanging but might make her more observant.

Just my opinions. Fortunately I was never in either situation.

Last edited by Daryl (October 12, 2016 7:03 pm)

Meg-

When in doubt, tell the truth -- without embellishment or anger.  Handing your kids truths gives them facts they need to accurately process what's happening and come to their own conclusions.

Upon splitting of the only family he’d known, my 23 yo son took me for a long walk and demanded explanation. I simply said: 1. His mother was a long term, serial bisexual philander. 2. She'd had over 10,000 mornings to look in the mirror and discover character and integrity had broken out on her face. 3. I wasn't going to waste more time on her.  He replied simply, I can't blame you a bit."

His only question since: "Why did you put up with it so long?" My reply: "Because you were worth it." 

Have a great day.  You're well embarked on finding both yourself and a wonderful, authentic future.

- John 

You're not a cheater.  I did the same thing.  After years of lying to my face and shoving dildos up his ass all while writing me letters about how he couldn't believe I didn't believe him when he said he would never do it again (this letter was written just hours after ordering more dildos, I would later find out) I went out with someone.  Yes I did!  And we kissed.  And it was the best decision I ever made.  It propelled me the hell out of there with the promise that there is in fact something better and light at the end of the tunnel and it reminded me of what things should feel like.  Should I have maybe waited and moved out first?  Meh, probably.  But who cares.  He lost that right with his 835th lie. 

Thank you for sharing your story Meg. We're all on a journey and I'm sorry you're struggling with these issues. Issues you never wanted by the way. I have to agree with John that you should tell the bare facts and nothing more. (And I love bare bones A, B, C way he put it.) With regards to proof and outing your ex-husband, my feeling is when we get into the mud, we achieve nothing other than getting dirty. Yes you could warm his ex-wife but why get involved? It won't make your life any better and it would probably just complicate things even more...for both you and your son. I think you're absolutely right to go no contact with your ex-husband's family. If he and his family want to continue to live in denial, so be it. It's not your problem any more. Just focus on you, your son, and tell him the truth when he's ready. I hope that helps some way.  

NEVER lie to your children. I did. I covered for him. Decades later when this all blew up in my face, he lied to both of them because he didn't have the courage to tell them the truth-that he's Gay.

After I threw him out for good, I turned to my 45 and 43 year old daughters and told them the truth but he had lied to them already so they didn't believe me. To them, what he told them first was more believable than the fact their dad was Gay after being in a marriage with me for 46 years. 

I deeply regret not telling them the truth first. Don't make my mistake. It didn't end well and has resulted in one daughter not speaking to me because she thought I made up a ridiculous lie about daddy being Gay. 

Meg wrote:

I have two questions that I can't stop obsessing over.  

1)  What do I tell my son as he grows old enough to hear it?  How do I tell him the truth while his father is still dating women and denying it all?  I'm so scared that my ex will convince my son that I left him for another man.  I'm even more scared that my son will think I'm heartless for not having any contact with my ex or his family and resent me for it, not understanding the real situation.

2)  What do I do about my ex dating a woman?  I hear a resounding "no" when I ask most people if I should warn her but I can't stop feeling guilty.  Yes, selfishly, it would be better for me to stay out of it and avoid his wrath, but I would want to know.  

I have proof but I feel like I can't use it.  I could show his parents, our mutual friends, his GF, my son, but am terrified that he'll twist the story and my intentions.