If there's even a kernel of truth in his story, he needs a therapist to deal with whatever happened in his past. You cannot be that therapist. As for the dating app, I think it's pretty safe to say that is not a good place to go find someone looking to talk. It would be like an alcoholic going into a bar to talk about that addiction.

None of us can say if he's being honest. If he's come clean have you seen the 'conversations'? Have you seen his dating profile? Can you pick up the phone at any time and scroll through it? Is he looking for a therapist or are you supposed to be doing that for him?

Thanks for your replies.

He admitted to the grindr app, saying that he was just looking for men to talk to and he did find one guy that was just fine with talking.  He says he did get a bunch of dick pics sent to him and admits that the majority of men on there are 'disgusting' (he isn't homophobic but says that just by the way they interact on there).  

I agree though - I KNOW there are many other places to find someone to talk to other than an app like that.  So why wouldn't he have known this?  That is the hardest part for me.  His 2 encounters (receiving oral from a man) were long before we were married.  and if that was just a bi curious thing, I do actually understand that because I was like that at a younger age and got it 'out of my system' as I mentioned.  But I've never held this tremendous about of shame about it.  There are no unresolved feelings about my experiences.  And I know I like men.  He says he has so much shame and guilt about these experiences, and has been confused as to what it means for him...  Wondering what label he is...  and has felt like 'less of a man' because of it and that is why he was trying to find someone to talk to about it.

I have not seen the conversations from grindr - he deleted the app and re downloaded it 4-5 times over a 4 month period.   Which I guess deletes the contents.  I have always known his phones passcode so have been able to go on it whenever I needed to while he was at home.  And he only ever went on that app  at work (he's only been working in his office 2 times a week due to covid and has been working at home the other days).  He said his profile was just a black square and he never filled out the questions you can answer.  I did download the app to see what it was like and you can just go on with a black profile and no info filled out.  So he was the one looking around with no identity linked to his profile.  He also admitted to getting a new hotmail email several times to get the app.  That I find weird too.  Why a new email so often...  He admitted all of this under the impression that I 'knew everything' because I told him I had hacked his phone while he was asleep and found everything out.  So I guess part of be believes him because he thought he was confessing what I already knew.  After I found all of this out I had his phone for 2 days and went through EVERYTHING.  I didn't find much else out.

The 30 hours of conversations we had the week after this discovery made me feel like I understood him a bit more.  Like he has this underlying feeling of not being manly enough based on his past experiences that he hold so much shame for.  That he may have potentially seeked out those earlier experiences out due to some repressed sexual abuse he experienced as a small boy.

He is actively seeking a therapist on his own.  I have been looking some up to to try to make sure he gets the right fit for him.  There has been no gas lighting or making me worse.  He says he feels like a horrible person for what he has hidden behind my back for all these years.  He says he feels so stupid for getting that app and it obviously was a dumb thing to do and not worth it.  He says he wants to be honest with me about everything going forward.

But I know he knows that if there was ever any physical cheating ever there would be ZERO chance for us and I just would not stand for it.   That is what worries me.  Is he keeping more from me for fear of losing all hope for us?!  He says he has never cheated physically again and again but recognizes that what he has done is a form of emotional cheating.  He says he has no desire to cheat.  I asked him if I offered him to have a man on the side or a threesome would he be into it and he flat out says "NO, I don't want that."  He just says certain thoughts (a man giving him oral is basically it) do turn him on, which he feel so much shame about.

I know no one here can tell me if there are more lies or more to the story or not.  But I just feel the need to vent on here.  I don't think my situation is the same as many others on here, I don't resonate with many of the others stories.  Honestly, my intuition tells me that he is not gay, that he may have a variety of sexual fantasies and things that turn him on, but I just don't think he is gay.  I do believe he loves me.  

But of course I am still questioning everything!  Everything is under a microscope right now as I think it should be!  I NEED to make sense of of things as much as I can.  This is all happening NOW and even though he plans on seeing a therapist to work through his issues, I am trying to work though and process things on my own NOW.

Thanks for reading.  Please reply if you have anything at all to say.  I appreciate all comments.  

 

Just a few comments, based on my personal experience and what I've read in my 9 months on this forum. 

RE:  The Grindr app - you describe what sounds like an extreme interest on your husband's behalf.  Why would that be if he was merely curious?  I'm kind of interested in fishing, and I went on the internet and looked at some information.  But I didn't join any fishing chat rooms or talk to anyone about fishing.  I would only do that if I really, seriously wanted to fish. 

Be careful with counseling.  You said he is actively looking for a therapist on his own - that is good, but I think you should not be helping him with that.  Let him work through it himself.  Also, you could benefit from some therapy yourself.  Make sure both of you find the right therapist.  If you are trying to save your marriage and the therapist encourages him to express any gay feelings ...  A friend of my who used to be a counselor told me there are lots of bad counselors.  Each of you needs to find someone with whom you will work well. 

What helped me most was to keep a journal of what happens and what you talk about.  Things can get convoluted as time passes.  Or one or the other of you merely forgets.  

I admire your strength and courage in this situation.  Please take care of yourself and I wish you the best in all you do.  

Place more weight in actions rather than words. At the same time you need to beware of "love-bombing". It's a bit of a tightrope walk. Sometimes you need to trust your instincts and observe the unconscious actions we all do every day, body language, etc.