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October 13, 2016 9:59 am  #21


Our community here is very fortunate to have Sean and Cameron and other gay men who were previously in a heterosexual marriage and are willing to share their perspectives from the other side of the table.  

I would suggest that you give your brother some time to process this before you really have any direct decision making conversations.  Don't judge his opinions or willingness to believe on your first conversation with him.  It's going to take him some time to think about this and get through the initial shock phase before he can make any sound judgments on how to proceed. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


October 13, 2016 11:11 am  #22


Séan wrote:

I find it amazing that you and your brother are grappling with the same, "Is he gay?" question that I'm sure your father is struggling with as well.

Although I agree that your father COULD see himself as closeted or struggling with his sexuality, that's the less likely scenario.  As many straight spouses here can explain, a great many married men who watch gay porn (and even those have regular sex with men), don't see it or experience it that way.  In fact, it's my belief that the vast majority of married men who watch gay porn aren't struggling with their sexuality.  I say this after having conversations with hundreds of these men over more than two decades.

Are they simply in denial?  Many of them are, and deeply so.  But even those situations are very hard to handle because the men make them so complicated - again, as many straight spouse stories here can show.

Large numbers of married men who watch gay porn have compartmentalized the "gay" part of themselves.  Watching gay porn is often the one and only outlet they need or want.  Even men who regularly cheat with only men often see themselves as mostly straight or bi.  They see the sex as a hobby, like golf.  They have no emotional attraction to men, have no desire to be in a gay relationship, and often have average or better relationships with their wives.

What I'm saying is that there is a whole spectrum of married men who watch gay porn.  Because you (Bridgette) have limited information, you don't know where your father seems himself, and that can make all the difference.  Many spouses here live in a terrible purgatory for decades because their husbands are not clearly gay and in denial.  Because this is your father and not your husband, you are in an especially terrible position.  You have no idea if saying something will create a huge problem or solve a fundamental one.  This is why, from my perspective, the safest, smartest thing to do is to be watchful until you know more.


October 13, 2016 11:15 am  #23


I'm so sorry you're here Bridgette.  Everyone's responses have given you a lot to think about.  But it will come down to what you personally know about your family and how they typically react to things. For instance, you already mentioned knowing how your husband and brother normally reacted to things so you seem to have a very good feel for people.  And, it's funny that you mention your brother is younger and still in that peace and love phase.  omg, I'd love to go back to that happy-go-lucky place!  I know exactly what you're talking about.

Here's my two cents about what I learned while going through this with my ex for years.  While it may not be fun, watching and waiting is sometimes the best answer.  I agree with Sean, take some time for you and either talk to a counselor or keep talking with your husband and brother.  For me, any outlet where I could talk about it was like lifting a 50 pound weight off of my shoulders.  The more I did it, the better I felt.  Here's the one part I don't agree with: please do not confront your Dad first.  I say this for many reasons.  Over the years I learned that going to the GID person only causes them to go deeper, hide more, be more careful.  If you start here you will never get to the truth.  You have about a 1% chance of him coming clean or even sharing his thoughts with you on it.  How do I know this?  Years of my own experience and thousands of other stories on this very site. 

Since you're approaching someone else with this truth (not just yourself) you need to make sure you have documentation because, as Kel said, you might get push back from your Mom.  She may not believe you.  Or she may get mad.  But...when it comes down to it, you're doing this for her and her health.  Maybe you just watch his internet activity for a while.  Maybe you do follow him.  You'll either come up with something huge (like an encounter with a man) or more of the same (internet surfing).  From there you will need to determine the best way to tell her.  I love your intro to your brother where you asked him if he would want to know if his fiancée was watching porn.  I think it's a good idea to ask your Mom the same type of question.  One time I had a friend literally tell me she would NOT want to know if her husband was cheating on her.  She actually told me that if I ever saw or heard anything, not to tell her!  weird, but ok, it was her call. 

So, what if after a month or so goes by and you're ready for whatever your Mom's answer may bring, you ask her the same question.  Would you want to know if your husband was (fill in the blank) gay, surfing gay porn, hooking up with men, whatever you find out.  I firmly believe your Mom deserves to know the truth (even if the truth is just that all you found was porn) but I also believe that finding out where she stands is important too. HOWEVER - if you find evidence of hooks up then all of this is out the window because her health trumps everything.  I ended up with herpes from my GID ex.  I would have appreciated a warning or anyone who could have helped me get away from him. 

The unfortunate truth here is that there's no good answer.  And there's not one right answer either.  It's going to come down to you taking all of your knowledge about your family's personalities and behaviors and then intertwining that with the evidence you have found.  From there, you will have to make the best decision you can based on what you feel.  Knowing what to do is easy, but feeling is hard.  When you "feel" you have to do something it becomes much more difficult because you start questioning if your feelings are right.  I felt myself into years of staying in a marriage with a gay porn surfing, nude picture taking, dildo buying ex.  I felt I owed him more chances.  I felt I owed the sanctity of marriage more chances.  I felt maybe it's just gay porn and I shouldn't worry. I felt lots of crap that instead of "feeling" I should have been knowing.  For example: I know I don't like this, I know I've been lied to, I know he's lied for years, I know he will continue lying, I know I need to leave.  You will have your own version of this, with added layers of guilt because it's affecting someone else's life.  So...do your research.  Then make an educated decision based on what you think is right for your Mom. 

I'm sorry you're here.  I wish there was a cut and dry answer. Please keep us updated.



October 13, 2016 11:18 am  #24


Cameron's post popped up while I was writing.  I agree 100%.  Take your time. 


October 14, 2016 9:22 am  #25


Thank you all again for your help and advice.   I do think I am going to take the wait and see approach.  My brother does agree.  He will be moving here in 1 month, and assured me that he will be by my side through  all of this.  I have also contacted a therapist!  Thank you all again, and I will remain active on this site.   

     Thread Starter

October 14, 2016 9:16 pm  #26


JK I'm very happy to answer your questions and share my personal experience. So fire away with your questions. I'll always try to be respectful and avoid giving advice. Unfortunately, so much advice is subjective or self-serving. I look forward to hearing from you either on this thread or via new posts. I do however want to be mindful of the many women who might feel uncomfortable with a gay ex-husband posting here.    


October 15, 2016 5:28 am  #27


Hello Bridgette,

I can't see any gain in telling anyone or stalking him in any way - either internet or with a private investigator (which is full on meddling in your parent's marriage and inherently wrong). You don't know what your mother knows at this point but if she doesn't know now, eventually she will and will handle it with your Dad. 

I'm sorry you had to go through this. It isn't a confirmation he's Gay. It means he's curious enough to look, that's all.


bridgette1812 wrote:

Hello - I will try to be brief....I work for my parents in a small family business, my mom and dad have been married for 35 years.  Yesterday, my mom requested that I print some things off of my dad's computer.   While printing, i toggled the screen to get back to an original screen.  The internet browser that was not closed from before popped up, with the most hardcore guy on guy porn.  Initially I freaked out, when i went to the internet drop down, there were several sites, all with men only.  He had worked late the night before and was the only one at the office when i left.  
Yesterday, when I went to see if this stuff was still there, he had deleted the individual sites, and left all others. 

I was NEVER snooping, I was only trying to print stuff for my mom.  HE left the browser open from the night before.  I guess I am seeking advice on what to do.  Should I tell my brother? Should I forget about it?  I am just trying to work myself through this I guess.



October 15, 2016 6:01 am  #28


Just because he's watching Gay porn doesn't mean he's Gay. It means he's curious. It's not enough to conjure up anything past that. Be alert enough to see if there is more evidence. You've told your brother and that's good. That means the burden of this discovery is lessened for you. Past that, I'd leave it alone. You are right, he's your Dad and apparently, you are his adult daughter with her own life to enjoy.  Just be alert and watch for more information. I wish you much better days ahead. 


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