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October 1, 2020 5:01 pm  #11


Re: Why do I feel guilty?

Julian, 

You’re right. It was someone who posted here years ago and she said she wasn’t fully functional sexually so it was okay with her. She also said her husband’s friend also has become a dear friend to her. I can see that being a possibility for some people for sure, but not for many. 

 

October 2, 2020 6:15 am  #12


Re: Why do I feel guilty?

Tangled wrote:

I need to stop reading anything where a wife feels good about her husband having a man on the side. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty. 

This is so familiar, the pressure to be supportive, the straight spouse is supposed to be cheering and waving the rainbow flag. (or else being accused of being narrow minded, homophobic, not accepting & loving and whatever more they come up with). And undoubtedly there are some that are that much brainwashed by contemporary culture, they feel good about it (?). Or maybe they have other private reasons, not disclosed, who knows?

But to most of us, it's like Susanne wrote, it's an abhorrent idea to have to share your spouse sexually with someone else. Whatever the sex of that other person. Rainbow flags and parades don't change that fact.

Actually, my wife is grateful we set boundaries, not to cross the line and live out her sexuality with a woman. First of all because it would have broken me, our marriage, with all consequences that would have caused our family as a whole. But also it would have prevented our strive to go for each other, developing into a path of personal growth. Having instant fulfillment of urges and feelings may look attractive on the surface, but it doesn't really get you anywhere.

Commercials tell us that having that "rich cheesy pizza with all the toppings" will make us happy, well maybe for five minutes, but it doesn't in the long run.Is it real love to feed our spouses fast food? Is that building a healthier person, or is this just about creating an efficient consumer? 
These culture pressures I mentioned before, are pressing straight spouses to behave like some sort of enablers. Giving up on the possibility of personal growth of the non-straight spouse, demoting them to be willingness followers of urges and feelings. Well they aren't, not unless they themselves allow it. Non-straights can make choices, not about the sexual orientation, but how they act. But it's almost blasphemy to suggest that nowadays. 

So... rejoice your husband refuses to behave like he's obliged to follow feelings and stirrings, he's using his free will to choose for you and your marriage. Don't feel guilty about that, celebrate it!
Give him a kiss and say you're proud of him

 

October 2, 2020 11:15 am  #13


Re: Why do I feel guilty?

Thank you Dutchman, 

My husband and I were just taking about exactly this last night... how society seems to be pushing personal gratification with disregard for anything else.... the whole idea of “you do you”... meaning you do whatever is right for you in the moment, whatever it may be, seemingly disregarding anything and everyone else. The push to self gratify is huge. It’s often celebrated, as you say. At one point in time, many months ago, I caved, and told my husband to go out and contact his friend that lives states away and see if he’d be on board. My husband declined my offer saying he felt I didn’t truly mean it and he wasn’t going to do anything that would put our relationship at risk. I know for a fact, him having another person would break me, would end me in the sense that it would be nearly impossible to recover from. I know my attraction for my husband would very likely be gone at that point. A few months back I was hysterical and crying about how I hated that sex ruins otherwise good marriages. At that point my husband decided that he would instead focus on all the wonderful things we have between us including, but certainly not limited to, a great sex life. I agreed with him. Life is too short to pine for one thing that’s lacking when you have an abundance of fantastic things. 

I always enjoy reading what you have to say. Thank you. 

Tangled 

Last edited by TangledOil (October 2, 2020 2:32 pm)

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October 5, 2020 10:44 pm  #14


Re: Why do I feel guilty?

I’m glad to say I’m over feeling guilty. I’m sure I’ll have those moments again occasionally though. I asked him if he really thinks we can continue to work as a monogamous couple long term and he said yes, he believes so. I told him that some bisexual men who are married to women cheat on their wives and have sex with men on the side. His response has always been that his interest must not be that strong then because he won’t cheat and he won’t do anything unless I’m okay with it. He’s always said this since the day he revealed he’s bi. So far I have no reason to distrust him. 

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