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Last edited by Lynne (October 3, 2020 5:17 pm)

I can't speak to any statistics on how many MOM's work out long term.  I have never done the research.  
MJ.  The software we have on Boardhost gives me limited ability to check the honesty of each account.  I can usually tell if it's a russian spammer account, but I have no way to know if the person signing up is who they say they are.  We are a public forum using anonymous usernames, so we always run the risk of having someone disingenuous in our midst.  If anyone has a specific concern about a user, please let Sam or me know and we will try to investigate.  

I hope nobody decides to leave this forum over this topic.  But if you do, that is your decision.  Please know that we are all extremely grateful for your participation and all the love and support you've offered to our forum.  Thank you!  I truly hope you will not leave!

Just one or two questions..   Do you honestly feel that 100% of straight spouses should divorce or leave their partners right now?  100%?  Are there no cases where a person might have a valid reason to stay and try to make it work?  What if there are situations in life that require them to stay for a certain time period?  Or should all people immediately leave?


 

Well I started this thread with saying I was sad to see the deterioration of support for the straight spouse - I think it has shown to be the case.  I actually see the straight women being marginalised and silenced here now.  I think it is sad for the straight men too but you know only so much one can do.

all the best everyone, Lily

Phoenix, my post isn't hard to understand - it's been coming for a while.  With hindsight, I think it was when the MOMs section was opened up that the line was breached.  Before that this was a place for straight spouses.  Where you could come and express how you're feeling and be met with nothing more than fellow feeling, and speaking personally I was grateful for the help in finding my feet, it was really hard for me to understand what 'in denial' even meant!



 

I haven't posted here for awhile because I am quite a ways beyond the disclosure that led me here and there are fresher, more relevant people posting now. Finding out that your partner has same sex attractions puts each of us on a path that will be affected by our ages, finances, support systems and religious beliefs, which may change as we go along.

I was in a MOM after I decided not to leave when my husband early in the marriage said that he was "bi" but would be faithful and wanted to remain married. At that time I thought that because now I knew what was troubling him we could make our marriage work. I was young and naive, not living near my parents and would have had no support from them had I wanted to leave.

After we had children they became his focus and had I left I knew that he would move in with his parents and would get custody because of the picture-perfect family that would present. My job paid much less and I had no support system. The children would have been happier there because he would be more of a bigger brother than a parent. I didn't think that would be good for the children.

I think there are times when a MOM can be healthy but it requires two people who love each other and uplift each other. There would need to be sharing on a daily basis and pleasure and fun together. That did not happen in ours. We put the children first but we were filling roles and there was no "us". Marriage should be measured in love, not years like an endurance contest.

What I see a valuable about this board is urging visitors to focus on themselves and make choices which support their mental health. What brought our 30+ year marriage to an end was when he fell in love with a man and wanted a divorce. I did not realize until it was over how diminished I had become during that time.  With love you grow. Without it you shut down.

There may be reasons to stay in a MOM, and I think my reasons were wise under the circumstances, but it needs to be a thought-out decision and not "s/he wants me to stay so I'll stay". What are the pluses and minuses and what circumstances would cause a re-evaluation? Are there actions that can be taken during the marriage to improve personal finances such as improving employment through training or education? Can I develop hobbies and friendships? 

I tend to not go to the MOM section because by the time I came here my marriage was ending. None of us has "THE ANSWER" but we should respectfully encourage questioning.