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September 26, 2020 7:29 pm  #1

definition of success?

I think the 'support the MOM' section has been altered.  I don't recall it promising strategies for success before and I don't remember it being limited only to those who believe in them didn't it just use to say not to be critical?

Personally I think it is sad to see the deterioration of support for the straight spouse, it's getting worse everywhere and I think it is sad when here of all places we peddle the idea of a successful MOM.  It is hard enough to think straight long enough to get some clarity for a straight spouse, with all the chill pills we get fed and the promise of a happy marriage if we only sort ourselves out and try harder to keep our GID partner happy being continually dangled let alone to come here and see it validated as a real option.

It isn't.  Redefine your idea of a successful marriage to include the misery of a MOM if you like.



September 27, 2020 10:42 am  #2

Re: definition of success?

Hi Lily,

support for straight spouses should not be limited to "get out the relation and divorce asap!". That kind of support is like going to a hospital where amputation is the only treatment on offer.

Also there is a difference between support for those who became victims of a deceiving selfish non-straight spouse. Victims who are in need of consolidation and understanding, and rightfully so! Then it's not about a possible cure, it's solely about recovery from trauma experienced. Acknowledgment of pain and disappointment, and (hopefully) giving it a place, after which it becomes possible to gather strength to resume a positive life afterwards. 

But it would be ludicrous to assume all non-straight spouses are deceiving and selfish no goods. And there it becomes complicated, because it's not clear cut, but very diverse. Not only concerning the sexual orientation, which is on a spectrum (and even that is not as fixed as is often presumed), moreover the character/personality of the individual that plays a major role in it all. But also the love and dynamics between both spouses is added to the mix. 

In that situation the question arises whether a (continued) MOM could be a viable option or to go separate ways. To answer this question takes time. The new situation a couple finds themselves in, needs to be understood and sorted out. It's ill advice to make hastily decisions and actions in a state of confusion and/or panic. The initial emotional storm has to calm down (for both spouses). Things are to be discussed in at least some level of rational thinking. Only then it's right to think about and evaluate the options for the future. (this is no rocket science, it's just common sense to go about these important matters this way).

The MOM section is not "promising success", but rather proposing possible ways to success. It provides a description how people achieved a successful MOM in their own situation. However different, it worked out in respective situations. It's a much-needed perspective on alternative routes, one can decide to themselves to go for or not. And important to notice: always emphasizing the conditions under which this played out, which demands a lot from both spouses. It never suggests being a one sided enterprise of the straight spouse sacrificing him/herself or keep dangling. On the contrary, it (in)directly also displays the mindset of the non-straight spouses, which played part in those stories. Which could be an inspiration but also act as a sort of reference. Who are those 'gay spouses' in those successful MOM's? What are they thinking and considering? How does this relate to the situation the straight spouse is in? Well, I consider that information needed support for people finding themselves in these difficult circumstances.

Not just inform about the cases where it all resulted in drama, but also about other possible outcomes. Situations and people are too diverse to handle on your advice or reponse and personal experience, let people decide for their own. Not naively one way or the other, but well-informed.


September 27, 2020 3:56 pm  #3

Re: definition of success?

lily wrote:

... Redefine your idea of a successful marriage
to include the misery of a MOM if you like. 

In my own quest for knowledge and advice on this Forum I managed, on my own but using many of the strategies I read from men and women going through the same thing, to make the decision re my future...all by myself. That's just how I do things....measured, careful. 
And in fact reading some of the long, in-depth and wordy posts from the MOM board of perfect MOMs with both parties contributing to the success of it only increased my uneasy feeling that I didn't want that kind of r'ship. 
Forum members are I believe capable of making up their own minds and seeing how the other half (MOMs) live and prosper, and using the strategies they promote is one of the ways available, but it's not the only way

 While I think it's helpful for some members, the straightspouses...I do believe the straightspouse of the MOM couple should be the only one able to post there



KIA KAHA                       

September 27, 2020 8:47 pm  #4

Re: definition of success?


I haven't changed the wording of the MOM forum since it's inception.  We all had some heated discussions in the first few weeks after setting up that forum.  But I still stand by the decisions that Sam and I made.  

Everyone has a different situation and a different need when they arrive here on the SSN forums.  Often our needs change as we progress through the path we are on. 

While I can't personally imagine staying with a lesbian wife being a success for my life, that doesn't mean it cannot be for someone else.  Dutchman for example is making his marriage work, and that's good for him.  I have to recognize that other people have other needs that don't align with my personal experience.  To be honest, when I first showed up here the only thing I wanted was to win my ex-wife back.  My path took me a different route, but some might wish to make it work.   We just can't dictate a single answer to every different person and situation. 

Imagine being in a situation where you truly wish to remain married and you come here looking for support.  Imagine being told over and over that it can never work and you are doomed.  Would you stay on these forums or would you leave?  We want people who have the goal of remaining married to have a place they can get help from others who have been through the experience.  

The MOM section will remain a place for people who wish to remain married to find advice and help and strategies for making it work for them.  If they come to the conclusion that it will not work (which I suspect most do) they can pivot and find a different message of advice and help in the rest of the forum.  

Those who don't agree are welcome to ignore that section of the forum. 

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


September 27, 2020 9:22 pm  #5

Re: definition of success?

are you sure it hasn't changed, Phoenix?  Look at the blue strip, on the other sections it says the same as the title but on 'strategies for MOMs' it says 'Making Mixed orientation marriage successful' 

Maybe I'm only noticing it for the first time but it's there.

     Thread Starter

September 27, 2020 10:03 pm  #6

Re: definition of success?

I don't think it's changed..  I know I haven't changed it in at least the 12 months.   Maybe Sam did though.  I'll ask him just to be sure. 

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


September 28, 2020 6:15 am  #7

Re: definition of success?

I didn't change it. It's been that way since inception.


September 28, 2020 8:06 am  #8

Re: definition of success?

I post rarely if ever in the MOM section as, far from being offended by it, I have nothing I can really contribute.   My GX did not want the marriage anymore so her part was simply hurting me.  She made no effort to make anything work.  I could post dozens of strategies for coping on one's own in a marriage where other is cheating...but that is not what a successful MOM is.

Reading the posts by straights and being here for years what I've concluded is we straight folks are empaths maybe..we love our spouses fiercely and strongly and absolutely.
I can understand wholeheartedly wanting to make a marriage work.

While we have many things in common  I think it's up to each individual  in their marriage to know when to hold on and when to let go.  My therapist once said she would support me either way. 
Let everyone offer support where they can.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

September 28, 2020 9:51 am  #9

Re: definition of success?

I'm the same Rob.  I never post anything in that forum because I don't have the personal experience to make any valid and helpful comments.  My path was so different.. 

Well.. I guess I have posted a few times..  but from an administrator role just to help manage the activity there. 

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


September 28, 2020 11:31 am  #10

Re: definition of success?

ah ok, thanks.  well I wish I hadn't noticed it now!

Just to be logical about it a MOM is a MOM whether you both know it or not.  And continuing in the logical theme - it stands to reason that our sexuality is inherited just like every other scrap of us is therefore people have been in MOMs for centuries.

How many people got divorced 50 years ago let alone 100 years ago?  

I don't think many of us would agree that staying together is the definition of a successful marriage, I certainly don't, my personal experience is I'm grateful to be out of my MOM.

To support people who are in a MOM is a good thing, I have no problem with that.  I was in one for nearly 40 years, I'm the last person who is going to put a person down for being in one!  No we all need support.   And to me it is so fundamental it doesn't need saying - Of Course It is Up To The Person To Choose What They Do!!!  goodness.  of course it is, for each one of us.


     Thread Starter

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