Starved,

A sad welcome.

I remember it well..the physical and emotional rejection.  How could she just move on after all we've been through, all we built, the kids ..  But she did.

Its what I refer to as "the discard".

She, having started a complete affair, at some point stopped saying she loved me.   She did not need any emotional or physical interaction with me..only my money and time to watch the kids.  She had moved on. I was suddenly garbage to her (yes she said it). I would physically shake with the trauma from it.

It is a shock how quickly they can discard us..without remorse or empathy.
I found it more shocking then the gay.
It is a scary thing..a broken moral core I call it.  You or I could not discard and move on so quickly.

I think the question you need to ask, and i did, is not what he is saying but what he is doing. Thus the I love yous are meaningless.. the discard, the hurt..you can feel it in your bones.
You feel the contrast between what he says and what he is doing.  This is not what someone that loves us does.  This we know in our bones.

You are in shock..read the first aid thread..build your support system.
Know that his moving on so quickly is not a reflection of your worth or anything you did..we are worth more than these spouses can ever comphrehend.

Last edited by Rob (September 23, 2020 9:16 pm)

OutofHisCloset wrote:

Yes, he can wait, and he should, and you should ask him to.  If he can't wait, he should move out, and not subject you to that additional pain.  If he loves you as he says he does, then he can do this for you.  If he can't do this for you, then he's not showing love but selfishness, and you don't need to explain it away with the "gay adolescence" excuse.  He was married to you for eleven years and managed to contain himself.  He can contain himself for an additional few weeks or months until he has moved out.  It's the least--literally--that he can do.  If he wants to show by his actions he loves you, and not just say it to make himself feel better about deceiving you, he can wait or move out.  

 The partnership to which you dedicated yourself is no more, despite your not having divorced, and despite his telling you he loves you. You may want him to be happy and fulfilled, but in the interest of his fulfillment you don't need to subject yourself to the pain that seeing him happily hook up causes you. 

I agree wholeheartedly. He can wait. 

Either way, he is the one who has broken your marriage and he should be the one to move out. I’ve told my husband (we’re trying to make it work) that if we do separate that I’m not going to be the one to just pick up and move with no notice. We live on a farm he inherited, and I told him I’d never take it from him, so if it happens, he’ll move & give me about a year to find a place to move (away from here), buy a house & take time to get my stuff packed & move. I’m ill & making me just get up & move right away isn’t fair to me after him cheating on me. So, if anyone should move out of your house, IMO, it should be him.....of course, I’m not you and it’s going to be up to the two of you.

I wish you the best. I know this is a very hard time & also SO confusing. I, too, have wanted to make my husband ‘happy’ in his bisexuality, short of an open marriage. (I told him he can leave if he wants to be with a man again. I won’t share him again.) But, you need to remember to take care of YOUR needs. We (especially women) straight spouses tend to want to ‘take care’ of our ‘special’ bi/gay/etc SO’s. I don’t know what it is that makes us want to make them happy before we make ourselves happy, but we do. So, take care of YOU!

((((((HUGS))))))))

I'm so sorry, Empathy.   I hope that you can find peace in a new environment.  

I can totally understand wanting to get out of the house.  If I didn't have kids, I would love to move out and am a bit envious that soon to be ex is getting to "escape."  As we are preparing to separate, I am noticing how little of me is left in this house and I wish I could go somewhere and just start from scratch. 

I also moved out, and am glad I did, because I was coming up on retirement and wanted to be able to easily relocate, although I do have to say that if you stay, you have a project to throw your efforts into, and there is satisfaction in scrubbing them out of your life and re-making the place for yourself.  I think whether you stay or go, it's whether you choose to do it and your attitude about it that matters most.