lily wrote:

oh I'm sorry - "for the first time ever I feel like the world makes sense" - she is already in love with a woman.  well she is isn't she - that is a classic expression of someone in love.

I have no idea.. my concern is there are so many other stress factors on us at the moment. We moved to the US recently (about 18 months) and with covid all planned trips were cancelled. So there is loneliness on top of that there is COVID and the stress around that looking after kids at home. So how can she be sure this is not a manifestation of all of that.


 

lily wrote:

that is tough, I hope you are reaching out to your family and friends, you need support!

falling in love is falling in love, it is a profound event.

Haha yeah, I hear he make comments like "I just want to be loved" or "I just want someone to care" and I am like "hello buttercup here I am !, do I not deserve the same, funny that two people in the same house have that desire"

Haha I am getting cynical but some of this I don't really understand.

Dad1st wrote:

I feel like I am grieving the loss of a friend, a relationship and a future and she does not seem to understand it and is thinking just of herself (from my perspective anyway)

 
Hi Dad1st,

I'm sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here, but this really jumped out at me.  You are grieving.  It is the end of the relationship as you knew it, even if you find a way to make it work. It is like starting over. 

It sounds like your spouse is not able to support you in the ways you have expressed them to her.  Your needs and desires should be addressed as well.  I am in a successful MOM, and that is a cornerstone.  As others have stated, please be careful of future gas lighting and emotional abuse.  You are important.

Dad1st,

   Sorry you need to be here.  Sorry you're going through the wringer, on the roller coaster, feeling bipolar--all of which explain what this kind of revelation/discovery makes us feel.

   Your wife is in a similar stage of her own, one in which she yearns for the new self/life she wants to embrace, and one in which she fears to leave the old one, which is the one she built with you (and your children).  I once told my now-ex that this was like him being a dog who is staked out on a clothesline, with the lead to the collar attached to a clothesline, and the dog is running the length of it back and forth.  Look over here!  A squirrel!  Look back there!  My food dish.  I want the excitement of that squirrel, but I need the security of the food dish.

You, on the other hand, have only fear and a transformed life, with neither "squirrel" (pursuit and fulfillment) or "food dish" (security).  

 You are torn because it's very difficult to stop being a loving spouse.  Unfortunately, that is exactly what you must do, because your wife has already made it clear that she no longer is acting under that same understanding. Indeed, she wants you to remain "supportive" and to accommodate her (with the request to "live like roommates"), without reciprocating that support.  It's entirely wrong for her to say the hurtful things she is to you (such as about life making sense), as if you won't be hurt by them, and as if she is entitled to say them to you.  She is not able to empathize with your situation, but expects you to empathize and accommodate her own.

 It seems as if you have already asked yourself whether the situation you have now, and the one she says would suit her, are not acceptable to you.  The logical next step, then, is to explore your options for divorce/separation, and for custody/child support, with a lawyer.  Go by yourself, and don't tell her.  If that seems like a betrayal or too cold hearted, tell yourself you are seeking information only.  Also remember that a so-called intact marriage with Mom stepping out with other women while long-suffering Dad keeps the household running is not a healthy situation for children, and models dysfunction.  I once heard it said, "You don't stay for the children, you leave for the children," and that made a lot of sense to me.  Just as you don't stay "for the marriage," which is no more than the two people in it and their commitment to each other, you don't "stay for the children," when the resultant family life does no one any good.

Dad1st wrote:

Thank you OutOfHisCloset I love the analogy and I think it is EXACTLY what she is doing at the moment. I do not want to make rash decisions so will allow her the freedom to run up and down for a little while before we make long term decisions.

Really appreciate all the input suddenly I do not feel so incredibly alone.

Welcome.   I just wanted to comment.  We are never alone.  My GX certainly isolated me and made me feel that way..
Ie. You can't talk to your family...you can only seek support from me. 

But she was cheating on me.   

They cannot be both tyrant/cheater and counselor to us.   In my limited mind you are either for me or against me. My friend or my enemy.  My spouse/soul mate or my ??.

She was not even a good roommate in the end let alone friend/spouse.

No we are not alone..we have a god.  We have friends, family, pastor, psychiatrist, lawyer.   Build your support system.  The kids need a strong dad.   Gather support where you can and know that sometimes you need to be the strong lone wolf when its the morally right thing to do.