It's hard to answer this in general. It's a very personal thing what "works out" or not.
At first watching erotic video's together (lesbian in our case), seemed like a good idea. For it communicates and demonstrates acceptance. 
And it did for some time, but eventually it didn't feel right to us. The excitement is artificial, not really directed at eachother. 
It jump started some passion, but not the real thing. As a straight spouse it's hard enough to feel desired, so to me this slowly added to the feeling of not being good enough.
But I have to say the latter was mostly because of my feelings. Not my wife's as such.
(in other situations it can be the opposite, the straight spouse having no problems, but the gay spouse feelings stirred by watching video's and making it hard not to act out further)
So it's rather complicated actually, finding a constructive way in this that works for both in this stage. 

Talk about it together, and see what works and what doesn't. With the openess that when it's not really feeling good (for one or the other), it's also okay to take a step back.
After all, it's all about communication, love, wanting to care for the other. These are the things that are really important! Whatever you do, do it from love. That goes both ways.
Learning to be more open and honest is so much more important than anything else! It should include your sexual relation, it's good to talk about it, but let it not be limited to that.

When you go for your MOM together and both dedicated to make it succesful, it may change to another situation. (I think that should be the real goal). The sexual orientation becomes so much less of importance, and the striving directed towards eachother is the main focus. To sometimes encorporate an erotic video nowadays is our free choice, when we both feel like it. We enjoy it like an extra side we can share together without any stress or doubt whatsoever. But this is after we went through several years searching (and finding) our way. It's a process that involved much more than 'sexual practise' to cope with the situation at hand. And you can't hurry that. 

For me lessons learned: initially I tried too much. I went beyond what I myself could emotional cope with. Albeit the good intentions I had, but it doesn't work that way. You have to saveguard your own feelings and capabilities, take it on willingly but slowly. Your feelings matter as much as his, try to balance this. It's trial and error, but be open to each other. The actual talking about it, is probably more important than all the rest .


Some time ago I read a posting on this section of the forum, that I remembered and liked. Different than my situation, but maybe useful to yours. 
https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?pid=18123#p18123

Hi Horsedogmom!

This can be a hard step.  As Dutchman said, it will come down to what your partner and you decide is enjoyable.  My DH always stresses that we do things that are a majority mutually enjoyable (not just what I think he wants).

Since he is in therapy, have you all considered couples counseling to help in these areas and to support you?  Sometimes in the early stages of discovery, the straight spouse thinks that doing all the things with them will make it better, but it doesn't.  Take this time to discover what things you are into, not what he is into.  Look into you.  What kinks do you find enjoyable or are interested in that you can share with him?  How can he support you in your sexuality?

The straight spouse tends to default to taking care of the partner, but I propose the opposite.  What is he doing to support you?

I know I keep bringing them up in posts, but the Gottman Cards are a great way to initiate intimate conversations on so many topics.  It is a tool I keep going back to over the course of our relationship.

Last edited by ShibaMama (September 21, 2020 8:31 pm)