Whirlilig wrote:

I didn't slander you. I said nothing in detriment of your character. 

Consiously misrepresenting what someone says is also a form of slander. But reading you last response I think it's not consiously (on purpose) instead you misunderstand, even when you stated otherwise. Let me explain...

I disagreed with the 'idea' that it's somehow the responsibility of the straight spouse to prop up or support the gay one. 

Right there it goes wrong in your interpretation. When I describe and explain the situation my wife was in, falling in love with a woman, discovering her sexual feelings and how much this obviously impacted her, this is about facing that reallity.
A man should realize that this is not some whimp that somehow will pass away by itself, but a harsh reality he has to deal with.
So being "like a rock", means standing tall for what you want in your relation, going for the intentions it started with and going for that future together. Certainly NOT the "prop up, support guy" you seem to be thinking about, that wouldn't be a rock but rather more like a cotton ball.

I'm in a monogamous MOM for 15 years, do you really think that was possible if I was some pushover, floating along with the "oh so understanding and supportive" attitude that is supposed to be expected from "a modern man"???
Like I wrote in my initial post in the MOM section: I'm no dictator, but there has to be a captain on the ship. So while being understanding and compassionate, setting clear boundaries according to good and honest principles.

In normal circumstances both spouses can keep track by themselves, and should be doing so in harmony. 
But when my wife was hit with the discovery of her sexuality, falling in love, and the whole shamkabam. She wasn't thinking rationally anymore. Thats an understandable and also unavoidable fact. This has little to do with whatever she's really about as a person, but a mix of overwhelming feelings and emotions that temporarily take control.
And understanding that situation, is not about getting all mooshy and supportive, but is about confronting and dealing with reallity!
I read about advice given to run away, well... that's not very courageous to put it mildly. Certainly not something a proud man should choose. Crawling away in defeat? Not my choice, and IMO the most stupid thing to do for a man in this situation. 
So I'm not what you seem to think, and my personality is very different than what you try to make of it.

That you did so is your choice. 

That you've got right, and I never regretted my choice. 
Even when my wife would have gone another way and we would have had to decide for divorce, I did what was right.

I don't think it's a healthy one myself and the original poster is being actively stepped out on so your situations aren't analogous. 

If the original poster stands up to his wife, draws the line and make clear what his goals are, like the captain he should be in this situation, his wife will not step out. (but if she still does, good riddens because that says it all about her and it's a hopeless case)
But if he lets go and waits timidly on the side line for what will happen, there's is a big chance she will do so because of her state of mind. 
So his actions are not because he's such a bully, but because he loves his wife and comprehends the emotional confusion his wife is currently in.

The datings apps and attempts to contact woman can certainly stem from her euphoria discovering a new side of her. She allows herself to get carried away with this new thing. If the husband is passive, that won't change and could go out of hand.
I do understand reactions like "someone wouldn't and shouldn't do that, she's a no good wife, ditch her etc". 
But those who think that haven't been in that situation themselves, they don't know the impact of suddenly discovering sexual orientaton, combined with falling in love and feeling that for the first time. It's a very powerfull mix.
That's certainly a tumulteous reallity, but it temporary and this doesn't have to be desisive for the rest of the marriage.

If she's sensible and loves her husband, she accepts limits and doesn't do irreversible damage to the relation. Emotions will slowly fade and confusion will eventually settle down (less than a year) and she can consiously descide what she wants.
If she still chooses to live out her lesbian feelings and leave, well that is it. No sense keeping a marriage alive if both aren't willingly committed to it.
Also the husband has to really love his wife, no sense to put all the effort in if he's not really into it. If that's the case, skip the trouble and let her go on her dates and leave.

After the turmoil the real person can come out. That's something else and more important then the "coming-out", which actually is just about a part of ones identity. 

You seem intent on personal attacks.

No, I'm not. 

SusanneH wrote:

l am now confused. If our MOM lasts long enough to be determined “successful “, can I not post anywhere but in the MOM’s section? ......

 

It's a minefield out there Susanne. While still trying to work out where I should be (in the r'ship world) I tended to not post out of the MOM board....because I knew that a straightspouse who knows her marriage/r'ship can't be saved, and is actively moving towards it ending may resent a person still with their partner commenting in anything other than the board specifically started for those still together (and working on it)

So yip I think your advice/comments/posts about making a MOM successful should stay on the MOM board ....where people already are directed to when it's obvious they need the kind of advice and recommendations you can share 

Elle
 

Maybe I'm misunderstanding things...but Guy didn't come here looking for advice on how to make a MOM work. He's accepted that his wife is gay & wants to be with women. They've cried about it; they've unpacked what that means in counseling...He's grieved the marriage. She is actively pursuing other women. 

I understand there are many reasons that couples who find themselves in this situation try to make it work: Age, health, financial, children, platonic love, etc...but it's not typically the default response...and the success rate (specifically with a gay/straight spouse) is not great.

Guy is only 38 years old. He has many more years to find and experience deep romantic love with another...without that intimacy "barrier" he felt for 20 years. So many here have gone on to find it (and shared their stories here.) 

Susanne.... No hard feelings of course not ....and my hurt has nothing to do with my response to you. Your comment "Do you want everyone to NOT say anything positive about marriages staying together just because you’re hurting?" sounded condescending.

While I absolutely agree that the only suggestions you can give are those that you think are appropriate....I also  think as all boards are able to be read by everybody that you should share your “experience, strength and hope’.  within the MOM board. 

Elle




 

   People who have been on here for a while know where I stand (stood?) on the two boards.  I thought creating the one for a MOM was a mistake, as it felt to me like a way to give a "protected space" to those who were unable to hear tougher messages, and I, for one, arrived here full of hope and doubt and giving my now-ex the benefit of the doubt, not wanting to hear the tougher messages, yet discovered that the tougher messages were exactly what I needed to hear.  I thought it could be potentially damaging in keeping a person hanging in a painful situation longer than otherwise might happen.

My view didn't prevail.  That happens.   I came to realize that people who posted to the MOM could also read the other sections, and make up their own minds in their own time. 

 As for posting to the various sections: 
   I accept that the MOM section is for those who don't want to hear a discouraging word, so I give the MOM section a wide berth.  Sometimes I read it; most of the time I don't.  I find it painful when I read posts that read to me like people in deep denial and full of futile hope. (Before anyone gets their back up, not all posts read like that to me.)  But people have agency, and that's their right.  The only times I post there are when someone new shows up, and they say something in their post that makes it seem like they might want a larger spectrum of responses than "you can make it work."  When I do post, what I say is, "You would get a larger spectrum of responses if you also posted in the Support section."  I don't, because of the rules, give my opinion on the advisability of MOMs.

Why is it such a bad thing to request the same of those on the MOM board, with respect to the rest of the Forum?  A suggestion that if a person is considering whether an MOM might be possible a post to the MOM section would be helpful seems like a useful post.  But turning the rest of the forum into a place to push for an MOM doesn't feel fair to me, especially as the rest of us aren't supposed to make the opposite argument on the MOM site.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (September 10, 2020 6:11 pm)