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September 1, 2020 3:08 pm  #1


Almost all my stress related to being in a MOM (bi husband)...

Almost all my stress related to being in a MOM comes from various media sources and not from my husband. Truly I think 95% of my anxiety/stress over this is brought about from various things on the internet and television. Anyone else feel the same? How do you deal with it? Avoid most/all media? 

For example... reading this in a research article...

“78% of the gay/bisexual men reported having switched their sexual identity label at least once after having first adopted a nonheterosexual identity, and 34% of men reported two or more identity changes.”

😳😳😳

Last edited by TangledOil (September 1, 2020 3:19 pm)

 

September 2, 2020 12:32 pm  #2


Re: Almost all my stress related to being in a MOM (bi husband)...

I don’t pay much attention to news or statistics. Neither personally relate to me or our situation. It is also just frequently upsetting to me if I let it, or if I take it too seriously.

 

 

September 2, 2020 1:29 pm  #3


Re: Almost all my stress related to being in a MOM (bi husband)...

Thank you Susanne. I try not to pay attention, but I feel like almost all media has to shove it in our faces non-stop. I absolutely know there are some shows, movies, whatever... I need to avoid like the plague. My husband understands this too. Oh... my 12 year old daughter was watching a tween type show on Disney and one girl in the show said her parents divorced because her dad is gay. She was all chipper and happy about it too like it was the greatest thing ever. So annoying! 

     Thread Starter
 

September 2, 2020 6:18 pm  #4


Re: Almost all my stress related to being in a MOM (bi husband)...

TangledOil wrote:

.......Truly I think 95% of my anxiety/stress over this is brought about from various things on the internet and television. Anyone else feel the same? How do you deal with it? Avoid most/all media? ........😳😳😳

 

Whereas before this my feelings about LGBTQ people was an accepting stance, after experiencing it with my own partner all the rhetoric, blatant advertising...even down to the fact many companies seem to have a "diversity quota' when employing people, that community is (and I do realise it's relative to my own experience NOW) now "in my face" all the time....lol
It got so I'd turn the tv off as soon as the gay weather presenter would start his weather spiel and the rainbow flags, ribbons & paraphernalia in the city would make me cringe. Which is no good for my personal outcome and recovery because that community ain't goin' anywhere! 
So I work on the triggers I encounter and my will-power in making all those things not matter is getting better and I look forward to the day when I see a rainbow and my only reaction will be to think 
"oh look...a meteorological phenomenon"

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

September 3, 2020 4:27 am  #5


Re: Almost all my stress related to being in a MOM (bi husband)...

TangledOil wrote:

Almost all my stress related to being in a MOM comes from various media sources and not from my husband. 

This was exactly the same for me. We talked openly and honestly, and I felt assured it was okay and we were on the right track... Then some days later I would read an article on internet, which usually contained triggers that worried me. Filling my thoughts with uncertainty and anxiety. So again I had to talk with my wife about more or less the same things we already had talked about. This pattern repeated over and over, like going arround in circles.
This was also to the frustration of my wife. She kept reminding me it's not about statistics or what/how other people choose, but about how WE deal with it and the persons WE are.

Maybe I tried to confront myself with those stories, hoping it would somehow prove the way we went was alright. But it nearly always had the opposite effect. 
It's much more sensible to focus on your own situation, your personalities and your relation, what you as a couple want to achieve and the choices you both take. That's decisive and nothing else.
Also I started looking for possitive input only and stories that align with our goal. That felt so much better and helped us to make progress. Not allowing negative input to break down what is already achieved in understanding and acceptance of eachother, instead building further upon it.

Nowadays all those stories etc. on the internet and media don't upset me anymore, ie. not in the sense that it makes me uncertain or anxious. We're years later and way beyond that. 
But while in the process of finding your way in your MOM and rebuilding trust, it's all still very vulnerable.

Some personal experience about television and the media:
Last year we agreed to be interviewed for a documentary about "christians and homosexuality". The interviewer and technical people came across trustworthy and reacted very possitive to our story. We hoped our views and experiences could be helpfull to others, so we gathered our courage (it would be broadcasted on national TV) and told the story about our life on camera.
But when it aired some months later (during pride week), we couldn't believe our eyes and ears. They had edited the footage into a totally different story, in many aspects the very opposite of what we said. They reversed the sequence of events in our life, the voice-over suggested we were motivated by the "Nashville statement", and so forth. It was total horror to watch.
We took legal actions to have it removed from playback TV, in which we eventually succeeded, but the damage was already done.
So a personal tragedy for us, but to us it also revealed the inner workings of (some of the) mass media. Their actual (hidden) intentions were to create a picture of christians strugling against sin, supressing sexual feelings and living in missery. The fact that non of this applied to us, didn't matter at all. They obviously had their own agenda, which was to affirm prejudices and our (real) story didn't fit in.
A successful MOM, based on sound principles and love, seems to be threatening to their purposes.

 

September 3, 2020 11:47 am  #6


Re: Almost all my stress related to being in a MOM (bi husband)...

For me, it's not so much media and external sources as it is the dishonesty.

Trust, honesty & respect are critical to any healthy, successful relationship. They're the foundation, right?
So finding out my partner kept this big piece of his identity from me for years has been really difficult for me. The fact that I wasn't even the first person he told (He contacted a gay friend from his childhood who he'd not spoken to in about 15 years) is even more difficult for me to get over....the idea that someone else I'd never even met knew (for weeks) that my world was about to be turned upside down...I'm having such a hard time with that.

In the end, I don't think it's the orientation that poses a big problem for me as much as it is the dishonesty...and feeling so incredibly disrespected. In my case, there was a lot of deflecting and blame-shifting, too...and a complete lack of empathy. 

He didn't ask for an open marriage...nor did I find any evidence of infidelity (I would definitely not have stayed if either of those things happened)...but I live with this anxiety that was completely unknown to me just 16 months ago. And since I keep it to myself (except for when I post in here)...I feel in some ways like I am in the closet now...and it's a really awful feeling. 

 

September 4, 2020 11:05 am  #7


Re: Almost all my stress related to being in a MOM (bi husband)...

For me, I try not to seek out information.  Because my spouse is more than a statistic.  My spouse is my partner.  As long as we maintain our expectations and healthy communication, I feel better.  Also, we have a healthy sex life.  Btw, that stat says people reporting.  I know my spouse, and he does not put his identifying sexuality on forms.  What does he suggest when you tell him our anxieties?  Do you have something that makes you feel more connected to alleviate your fears?

 

September 7, 2020 10:46 am  #8


Re: Almost all my stress related to being in a MOM (bi husband)...

Ellexoh, 

Thank you. I know I definitely need to work on reducing my anxiety when I feel triggered by outside stimuli. I’m trying to ignore much of it and I tell myself these things aren’t my husband. It’ll probably be something I have to consciously work on for awhile to come. 

Tangled 

     Thread Starter
 

October 15, 2020 12:19 pm  #9


Re: Almost all my stress related to being in a MOM (bi husband)...

It’s been about a month and a half since I posted this. I’ve come along way in this time. 3 of 4 of the series we’re watching have gay relationships. It doesn’t bother me nearly as much as it did six weeks ago. Would I prefer television without the scenes? Sure, but honestly I’d prefer less sex scenes in general. I just don’t find most necessary to the stories. 

     Thread Starter
 

October 15, 2020 2:32 pm  #10


Re: Almost all my stress related to being in a MOM (bi husband)...

TangledOil wrote:

....... 3 of 4 of the series we’re watching have gay relationships. .........I’d prefer less sex scenes in general. I just don’t find most necessary to the stories. 

Hahahahaha....yes I know what you mean! Just lately it seems 80% of movies I watch have LGBTQ content to show the movie companies have "moved with the times". 
Me....I'm waiting for a movie concentrating on a straightspouse journey. I did watch "Grace and Frankie" but gee, neither of them were short of a bob or two.....houses on the beach, immaculate make-up.... Where's the movie about the woman who discovers gay porn on her husbands laptop, wants to leave him but has no money and is mother to 3 young children....where is the movie about that kind of struggle? 
It seems movies have to have sexual content to be interesting. Appealing to a greater section of the population I guess. Yes yes....they appealed to me once too. And now they don't

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

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