Yes, MJM, guilt.  I'm not exactly happy, but I'm hopeful. I feel some amount of control of my future which has been murky for so long.  I actually did not know all of the things you listed.  I'm going to read that article now.  You've been awesome!

MJM,
 I found it difficult not to give in, too, but once I saw how my filing for divorce amped up his entitlement and anger, I got over that and pushed him for what I knew the courts would back me up on.

 Jujubee,  
 My ex and I also had our own jobs and retirement funds (we even both had the same title and salary).  Our house was paid off and jointly owned.  I had a savings account and small stock account in my name only, from an inheritance.  He had the same.  In my state, inheritance that never goes into a joint account is not considered marital property, but it's my understanding that different states have different laws regarding inheritance, so if you have any, it's worth checking.  What MJM said about taxes on inherited assets was true in my state: one of my ex's investments, received via inheritance, was real estate, and although it was in his name only, he'd been paying the taxes for it out of our joint account for 30 years or more, so I could have claimed half of it.  I didn't, because it had come to him from his grandmother and then mother, and I felt it was rightfully his, but I could have used my legal right to it for leverage if he'd opposed the rest of the proposed settlement.

I'll say one thing about property division: use the leverage of the law and courts to back you up.  Too many of us live in a relation to our closeted or in-denial spouses in which they are used to manipulating us and calling the shots to get what they want, and they believe they're entitled to get what they want, and what they want is more than half (although they somehow will think that is fair). That doesn't change when you start the divorce process, so you need to prepare yourself to fight for your rightful half.  As he's been making more than you and is used to spending it on himself, he'll kick over an equal division of assets, so be prepared to stand your ground. If you need to steel yourself against his anger during the process, think of a 50% settlement as him paying the price of his duplicity all these years.  

Your lawyer will be your best source of information and strategy.  Google up "super lawyers" in family law in your area, and consult several.  If you believe your husband will be controlling, ask whether the lawyer has experience in "high conflict" divorce.  Any lawyer you consult can't work with your husband.  Find one you can work with--as with therapists, you need to feel the fit is good.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (August 18, 2020 10:57 am)

Glad you have lawyered up, and good luck.  View this as unwinding a business in which your business partner tried to defraud you.  In both situations, you need to fight for everything that could be yours.  It's time to protect yourself.

Getting back to the question title of your post, you've probably answered it.  In the early days, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what my ex-wife was after I blew the cover off of her affair with a woman -- gay, bi, "experimental", pansexual?  It was a waste of time because I already knew the answer, even though it took too long for me to accept it.  She was "not straight" and pathologically dishonest.  Neither of those were acceptable to me.

manscaping doesn't mean cheating! 

it started with 70s gay porn and has since took a turn into mainstream self care.

 think that, for me, over-indulgence in body image, along with trimming of most of his man hair, for my husband, aligns with his "bisexual' if not "homosexual" self- this is not always the case though. my husband has cheated on me in the past w. women and came out to me as 'bi' - i completely believe him that no other cheating has happened. he, of his own free will, tells me every night how amazing he feels to be honest and i can ask him anything it's an ever progressing progression- you can hear other peoples stories but all stories aren't the same