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August 17, 2020 6:37 pm  #11


Re: Is He Bi, Gay, or What?

OoHC:  Sadly, I am now a shark.  As Eddie Murphy said, "Get married, loose half."  We've always had separate accounts - from checking to 401K.  We divvied up the bills.  He has always lived on "his" money & I've always lived on "mine."  I had a solid career, but he retired top-tier as a professional.  His discretionary income was much greater than mine and he shared some, but not a lot.  He spent a lot of money on his stuff, but he also deferred quite a bit and loaded up his retirement, which he is now spending.  I never really realized the inequity in standard of living until I saw our tax return this year.  I retired right after he did & I'm living on my meager 401k.  Financially, I don't think there is a downside for me.  He, however, will be mad as hell.

Last edited by Jujubee (August 17, 2020 6:38 pm)

 

August 17, 2020 6:54 pm  #12


Re: Is He Bi, Gay, or What?

Am not sure what you mean by shark. No reason to feel guilt about this if that’s it. Maybe you’re happy.

It sounds like you know this (the idea he’ll be mad): Corporate-funded pensions & 401(k) accounts are under federal law.  Spouses are entitled to a certain percent of each other’s monthly payouts. A spouse is always a beneficiary. The formula is approximately ((years of marriage/years spouse at job) /50%). The formula is the same for Social Security.  You have a lot to gain from your post. Make sure you are familiar with this, if not already - the Federal law is QDRO (people call it Quadro). Here’s more info- https://www.investopedia.com/terms/q/qdro.asp

Am sure he knows this will happen once he gets served. Good luck!

Last edited by MJM017 (August 17, 2020 6:56 pm)


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

August 17, 2020 6:55 pm  #13


Re: Is He Bi, Gay, or What?

Honestly, MJM, I believe I am the last thing on his mind.  I have a bunch of credit card bills from a few years back that reveals the squandering.  He was shredding boxes of records before he left, but missed a couple that the cat peed on (snicker).  He also has an incredible amount of man cave type expensive stuff all over the place.  He's the envy of his peers.  

     Thread Starter
 

August 17, 2020 7:04 pm  #14


Re: Is He Bi, Gay, or What?

Yes, MJM, guilt.  I'm not exactly happy, but I'm hopeful. I feel some amount of control of my future which has been murky for so long.  I actually did not know all of the things you listed.  I'm going to read that article now.  You've been awesome!

     Thread Starter
 

August 17, 2020 8:41 pm  #15


Re: Is He Bi, Gay, or What?

Am sorry about the guilt.  Money is neutral - neither good or bad.  It’s used to exchange for goods necessary for living.  It’s not good when you love money & use people.

I was wondering if you remember how you guys filed state and federal taxes. I assume he did it on his own, had you sign & never gave you a copy.  Was it married filing separately or married filing jointly? Am guessing it was the latter as the tax burden is considerably less.   Check with the attorney to be sure - if you’re responsible for paying taxes for an asset, you are partial owner, regardless if the asset is in his name only.

Some wives planning to divorce the well-to-do hire forensic CPAs to go over old tax returns & search for hidden assets.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

August 17, 2020 9:40 pm  #16


Re: Is He Bi, Gay, or What?

He has done our the taxes for the last 12 years. Married filing jointly.  He does e-filing - I don't sign.  I'm going to look for hard copies.  I bet he printed something.  I googled community property in my state and it is half and divorce is no fault.  

     Thread Starter
 

August 17, 2020 10:57 pm  #17


Re: Is He Bi, Gay, or What?

Hope you find them!! Forgot about e-filing.

Hold firm - and don’t be swayed by any guilt-inducing cry baby stories.  Divorce is very stressful. I found it hard not to give in, but I kept at it.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

August 18, 2020 4:58 am  #18


Re: Is He Bi, Gay, or What?

MJM,
 I found it difficult not to give in, too, but once I saw how my filing for divorce amped up his entitlement and anger, I got over that and pushed him for what I knew the courts would back me up on.

 Jujubee,  
 My ex and I also had our own jobs and retirement funds (we even both had the same title and salary).  Our house was paid off and jointly owned.  I had a savings account and small stock account in my name only, from an inheritance.  He had the same.  In my state, inheritance that never goes into a joint account is not considered marital property, but it's my understanding that different states have different laws regarding inheritance, so if you have any, it's worth checking.  What MJM said about taxes on inherited assets was true in my state: one of my ex's investments, received via inheritance, was real estate, and although it was in his name only, he'd been paying the taxes for it out of our joint account for 30 years or more, so I could have claimed half of it.  I didn't, because it had come to him from his grandmother and then mother, and I felt it was rightfully his, but I could have used my legal right to it for leverage if he'd opposed the rest of the proposed settlement.

I'll say one thing about property division: use the leverage of the law and courts to back you up.  Too many of us live in a relation to our closeted or in-denial spouses in which they are used to manipulating us and calling the shots to get what they want, and they believe they're entitled to get what they want, and what they want is more than half (although they somehow will think that is fair). That doesn't change when you start the divorce process, so you need to prepare yourself to fight for your rightful half.  As he's been making more than you and is used to spending it on himself, he'll kick over an equal division of assets, so be prepared to stand your ground. If you need to steel yourself against his anger during the process, think of a 50% settlement as him paying the price of his duplicity all these years.  

Your lawyer will be your best source of information and strategy.  Google up "super lawyers" in family law in your area, and consult several.  If you believe your husband will be controlling, ask whether the lawyer has experience in "high conflict" divorce.  Any lawyer you consult can't work with your husband.  Find one you can work with--as with therapists, you need to feel the fit is good.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (August 18, 2020 10:57 am)

 

August 18, 2020 10:11 pm  #19


Re: Is He Bi, Gay, or What?

I've lawyered up - the partner of a 40 year friend whose been practicing divorce law for 44 years.    Thanks for the great advice.    She's so awesome she started swearing towards the end of my consultation.  She didn't even realize it.  Tomorrow it starts to get real. 

     Thread Starter
 

August 19, 2020 8:41 am  #20


Re: Is He Bi, Gay, or What?

Glad you have lawyered up, and good luck.  View this as unwinding a business in which your business partner tried to defraud you.  In both situations, you need to fight for everything that could be yours.  It's time to protect yourself.

Getting back to the question title of your post, you've probably answered it.  In the early days, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what my ex-wife was after I blew the cover off of her affair with a woman -- gay, bi, "experimental", pansexual?  It was a waste of time because I already knew the answer, even though it took too long for me to accept it.  She was "not straight" and pathologically dishonest.  Neither of those were acceptable to me.

 

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