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August 16, 2020 5:38 pm  #1

Is He Bi, Gay, or What?

My husband  & I got together 28 years ago when I was 31 (now 60) & he was 27 (now 56).  He was a virgin with no relationships & I had had a few intimates ones.  He presented himself as 100% hetero.  Our sex life was fun and satisfying.  Early on he revealed he would be into a little S&M and he wanted to be S.  Although I'm pretty much vanilla, I went for it - it was exciting and naughty.  He also wanted to try asphyxiation sex & we did, but it seem too dangerous.  After we moved in together and got engaged, he told me he had been into self-enemas while masturbating and hoped I would be interesting in it.  I wasn't and he let it go.  One day I found butt plugs which he said he used when masturbating.  He also liked to wear lacy panties when spanked.   

We continued to have non-vanilla sex mixed with vanilla and things were ok as we got to know each other sexually.  3 years into our relationship, he told me he now only wanted vanilla sex.  This was ok with me, but disturbed him.  He had some sort of self identity crisis.  He found, and we went to, a PhD therapist who specialized in alt sex.  Immediately, he complained he wasn't getting enough sex from me.  I mentioned I thought he couldn't accept his true sexual self and the Dr. agreed with me.  He spent the whole session expressing dissatisfaction with our sex life.  He has never been a good communicator - often cries and shuts down at anything perceived as criticism. 13 years later  (15 years into our relationship, 2 into our marriage), he told me didn't think we should have sex any more because we are always drunk when we are intimate (true).  At this point, what little sex we have, is all about his thing (mostly spanking, anal play).  I didn't challenge his decision to quit sex.  I figured he was having another crisis about his sexual identity.  I blamed myself for not being a good wife and sex partner.  I thought it was temporary.

Next are 10 years of sex drought.  Physical contact or any affection from him nears zero.  I notice for the first time he is reading porn on a kindle he kept locked.  Oct of the blue, he "wants to have sex again."  He totally love bombs me - he's a whole different person.  I was so happy and relieved he wanted me again, I didn't ask why the change.  Then he brings out a paddle and I realized he just wanted sex.  Not the love reunion I was waiting for.  The drought immediately returned.  Much later I found a random credit card statement showing a payment to match.com made 2 years into the first drought.  He's been over the top into fitness for at least 5 years and has been getting manscaped for about that time.

In posting this, I've tried to focus on mostly the sex aspects of my marriage and the red flags I now see in hindsight. An astonishing number of the not-straight spouse behaviors described in this forum are identical to my husband's.  Many of them demonstrate the spouse's self-focus.  Exerting financial control & gaslighting are two other behaviors than are scarily familiar, although I did not realize them as such until recently.  He retired 2 years ago and has slowly moved to our vacation home where he has been for the last three months.  I am living on 1/10th of what he is.  I rarely hear from him and it's always by text.

My spidey sense had compelled to appeal to this forum.  I suddenly identify as a straight spouse.  Is my husband bi, gay, or what?  Can a guy go 15 years and not want to have sex with a willing wife?  What is he up to?


August 16, 2020 6:51 pm  #2

Re: Is He Bi, Gay, or What?

Jujubee wrote:

My spidey sense had compelled to appeal to this forum.  I suddenly identify as a straight spouse.  Is my husband bi, gay, or what?  Can a guy go 15 years and not want to have sex with a willing wife?  What is he up to?

Welcome to the Forum Juju.....You sound like a straightspouse
Whatever your husband is bisexual, gay, a robot.....it's not straight. I know how easy it can be to want to please a partner and also have faint misgivings that become stronger over time. 
Good on you having the strength to say "no" 


KIA KAHA                       

August 16, 2020 9:12 pm  #3

Re: Is He Bi, Gay, or What?

Does it really matter what you label him (as if given what little you know of his inner being you could know anyway)?
 Whatever he is, he's really fucked up. 


August 16, 2020 9:47 pm  #4

Re: Is He Bi, Gay, or What?

Thank you both.  You are right, it doesn't matter what the label is.  Whatever his not-straightness is has taken over his life and has made continuing a real relationship with me impossible.  I am still in the steaming-mad stage, but entering the plotting-my-escape stage.

     Thread Starter

August 16, 2020 9:59 pm  #5

Re: Is He Bi, Gay, or What?

Hi Jujubee,

sorry to hear all that.  He wants to wear lacy panties and be spanked?   it sure doesn't sound straight to me.

You want to do what you can to set yourself up financially.  Look after yourself.

wishing you all the best, Lily 


August 17, 2020 7:02 am  #6

Re: Is He Bi, Gay, or What?

Many of us have been where you are: steaming mad and plotting an escape.  It sounds as if your husband has already made his own moves to sever the connection, if he's been living apart from you for three months, and I would echo Lily and say that a good move for you while he's away, because he's financially controlling and you are living on so much less than he is, do a deep dive into your finances, and visit a lawyer about divorce and your financial rights.  


August 17, 2020 3:11 pm  #7

Re: Is He Bi, Gay, or What?

Wow. Am so sorry this happened to you. Marriage is (supposed to be) about love; divorce is about money.

Get your hands on copies of deeds/financial statements of assets (real property, stocks, retirement accounts, liquid cash in savings accounts) you co-own & he owns by himself.  You deserve your fair share. Here are some books which will help get you there- https://www.huffpost.com/entry/divorce-finance-books-7-r_b_857843

Echo the above about consulting an attorney about your rights. Best to consult a few to see who you click with.

I was lucky that my late GIDXH was a financial dummy. My minor in college was economics. I paid all the bills & kept copies of all financial transactions. I read state divorce law. I feel the $$ split was fair.

It hurts me to see women get screwed over financially.  It’s financial gaslighting from these horrible spouses. The fooling of us never ends. I urge all to fight back.  Don’t give into financial manipulation to keep peace. You get peace & they get all the money.  Not right...

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

August 17, 2020 4:21 pm  #8

Re: Is He Bi, Gay, or What?

MJM:  Thank you for the link.  I'm getting smarter everyday.  I have already contacted a divorce attorney & will be lawyered up shortly.  I live in a community property state (in the US) & all of our property is in both our names.  My husband is not a financial dummy.  I'm not going to lie, I am scared.  One thing I have going for me at this point is I don't think he realizes I have put it all together.  He just texted me - Mr. Normal.

     Thread Starter

August 17, 2020 5:32 pm  #9

Re: Is He Bi, Gay, or What?

If he doesn't know you know, stay stealth.  Right up until the time you file.  
   I had the pleasant surprise of finding that the state's community property laws meant that the state would back me up when I told my ex his idea of what was "fair" wasn't. 
   I also had the leverage of him not wanting his secret to come out (he was and is still closeted), so even though he was angry about having to give me more than he thought was fair, he went along with it.  (He still got more than 50% of the community property, because I gave him a favorable price on the house, just to get away quickly.)  
  If you know he's good with finances, you might ask your attorney about transferring 50% of your joint checking account/savings into an account of your own the day that he's served.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (August 18, 2020 4:29 am)


August 17, 2020 6:19 pm  #10

Re: Is He Bi, Gay, or What?

I’m in a community property state too. Am glad you are educating yourself about finances. It should not be an issue to outwit him in that area if you keep learning. Glad you are playing financial dummy with him!

One suggestion would be to keep a running log of his lavish spending: what day you saw it, describe his purchases & the price. Take pics of any receipts. Do the same for your own spending.  You have to prove he is squandering joint assets while you are pinching pennies. These daily logs are admissible to family court.

Hope you come out ahead & leave that manipulator in the dust.

Last edited by MJM017 (August 17, 2020 6:21 pm)

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

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