I heard on a podcast today that 80% of a memory is false because it is not now and is tainted by emotions and feelings and imagery /dreams  etc, so in effect nothing of those memories are real , my advice is to to box it up as a part of your life that is gone with the addage " I did the best I could based on the information I had available to me at the time"
Eckhart Tolle - The Power of Now , is good, maybe a bit hard to digest but worth a read

Last edited by Virion (August 20, 2020 12:39 pm)

I agree our memories and reality is tainted..  and yet...    My GX was throwing out old pictures..like it didn't happen.like she was a God or Dr Who and had the power to rewrite the past.  But we have these kids thats proved it did happen. I was happy in the past even if she was false..i will not rewrite it.  I strive to remember the good times and not the last years in gay hell. 

It is certainly a crazy and sad when seeing pictures..my advice is dont look at them for now.  Know that you tried as hard as you could..we loved fiercely and loyally..and that is the difference between us and them.

Rob, at least I didn't throw them out. I knew if I did, I couldn't get them back, so a fit of rage wouldn't help.
And, I haven't been looking at them when at all possible! He showed me that one last week after he cleaned out some stuff. He was actually trying to help. He was truly happy and had just had a therapy session which focused on the positive, so he was trying it on me .... unfortunately, it didn't work yet.

and, MJM017, I like that idea of a set time of day to get angry. It may help me to not just get 'set off' at the wrong time, like in the evenings when we're tired and arguments seem to start more often.

thanks again! I think time will help, just like everything, especially if we stay together, which, of course, still remains to be seen since it's still so early.....but, we're trying!

Thanks, Dutchman. I'm learning that what I have to do is let go of the 'bad' things in the past and live in the present. It'll be easier when the present isn't so strained. I don't spend a lot of time in the past until we get into the arguments and they go on.....then, the past seems to always come up (by me, of course. He would LOVE for me to forget it!).
I do understand what you say about time not healing on it's own. Makes sense. Just heard it all my life, and have experienced it as well. I never thought that what I did with the time might have had something to do with it ;). Like getting over my first husband's death....... Well, even though I didn't intend to do it, I got remarried a little after a year from his death. I was so happy with all that was going on, that I wasn't mourning him as much as I would have been had my plans to not date worked out, and I would have been alone....SO, there's an example right there.
Also, anger & sadness....... they really do go hand in hand sometimes. We're living in a VERY small house.We moved in 10+ years ago out in the country, and it's 'temporary' until we build our house on the hill....well, it was supposed to be 1-2 years.... back to what I was saying..... In this small house, it's hard to get away to be sad/angry without being heard. I tend to get that way when I get in the shower in the evening. Unfortunately, he can hear me......So, I can't get away to cry on my own, and that's both the sadness and the anger. (sorry, I guess that was unnecessary).
I'll check into the book. I must have missed it when  you mentioned it before. I'm always looking for new material to read if it has something that will help.
thanks for your time and thoughts. I appreciate it as always.

 
 

Dutchman wrote:

Edith Eger is an Auschwitz survivor. The experience obviously impacted her life profoundly (it's very intense to read that part of the book, but necessary to understand her story).
But the core the book is not about memoirs about the horrors of WWII, but how she overcame this trauma later in life. And with this she tells an incredibly inspiring story. 
To live our life, we must continue to make choices, and not allow ourselves to be imprisoned by our past (or feelings... or sexual orientation... or cultural opinion... or...)

So much what Edith Eger describes was also at the base of finding our way through the difficulties of our MOM, and how we learned to deal with life. No doubt you (and John) will value reading this book!

Sounds even more interesting. My father's family had to flee Germany when he was 6 because his mother was Jewish. The Germans even came into their house looking for her once (thank goodness didn't find her!), so this is really close to my heart. They did have it better than so many people. They were able to escape to Sweden & six years later to the US. Both his parents were professors, and so they had professions they could use all over.
I'll order it as soon as I finish!
Update: ordered 😁
thanks again!

Last edited by SusanneH (August 22, 2020 11:11 am)