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August 14, 2020 9:53 pm  #1

This is my excavation...

My ex-wife and I had been married for 6 years, but we had known each other since we were both older teenagers. We grew up in a very conservative evangelical church background. We went to the same church, and our youth pastors set us up.
For two years we were broken up while she was going to college and I was attending this ministry training program. She later tells me when we were back together that when she was in college she had a few “close friends.” But then one of these friends starts a “rumor” that she was gay. She denied it, and I didn’t think anything about it. Young and naïve.
We were both back home for the Holiday break. I was visiting my family during my first year being on staff as a youth pastor at a local church. She was on break from her Junior year of college. And we reconnected, and felt like we picked back up from where we left off. Things started happening really fast and I proposed three days after Valentines Day in 2013. We were married in July 2013.
Everything seemed to be fine at first. We were young and everything was fun and new. But her sex drive started to trail off about 2 years into the marriage. I chalked that up to we’re just settling into the natural groove of marriage because I didn’t really know any better. It got worse when she wanted to start having children. I wanted children eventually, but was fine with where we were. I wanted to just be with her. But I loved her, she was the only person I ever loved, and this was what she wanted so we started trying. Honestly, we were only having sex with the goal of getting pregnant. I could feel that she started to resent sex then. Maybe even resent me.
Nearly four years ago, our son was born. We loved the season of being parents, but I think that our marriage kinda took a further back seat to us being parents. All through this I can tell something is wrong with her. She’s more depressed than she used to be. She hardly wanted to touch me, be around me, or even look at me. We were becoming roommates and not husband and wife.
March 31st of this year was the day that she disclosed to me that she was no longer attracted to me and that she was actually gay. A few weeks later, she had moved out and left me in the house alone. And then a few weeks after that, I find out that she’s already dating someone new. 
I’ve tried really unsuccessfully to pick up the pieces and move on, but I feel like I fail most days because I’m so hurt, pissed, and confused. My self-esteem is at an all-time low. I feel like I’ve lost my manhood. And I don’t really have anyone to talk to. The pandemic has isolated me to where I don’t hardly communicate to anyone other than my son when he is here every other week. My family doesn’t really understand what has happened. They mean well, but they’ve not really been helpful. All of my friends were her friends or family, so they are taking their side. And I’m afraid if I start telling people how I really feel, I’ll be labeled as homophobic.

Most days I feel like trash that's been tossed to the curb, and I'm not sure when I'll ever be okay. 

"there's a black crow sitting across from me, His wiry legs are crossed. and He's dangling my keys, He even fakes a toss. whatever it could be that has brought me to this loss.."
Re:Stacks by Bon Iver

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