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1 of 1- Lilith991
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My Boyfriend is gender dysphoric and I need help
Hello,I am a 30 years old straight cis female who is in a relationship with a guy (30 as well) who struggle with gender dysphoria. He told about year and a half ago and we are still together and he is saying that he isn't planning to transition and I believe that he is saying the truth, despite the fact that he did some experiments with crossdressing and epilating. However he throwed away all his women's clothing, wig, epilator and a three months supply of hrt. He is attending a gender therapist for more than three years and was close to transition at one point, however he said that he need to do everything to keep me. I have kept his pills in my drawer, so I am sure he didn't took any.The problem is however the following, despite the fact that we have a good relationship, I sometimes suffer due to his distance and depression, and our sex life isn't the best. That doesn't mean that we have a sexless relationship, actually far from it, but some positions trigger his dysphoria and on worse days he is also unable to perform. Another thing which worry me deeply is the fact that I have often read the stories of the people who decided to transition later and how could having children affect his dysphoria. He claim that he is aware that transition is for him pointless because he claims that he is unable to pass and/or look as a decent woman. I don't know how much he is correct in this as he does have a kind of a curvy body for a man and a baby face and even his therapist told him that he doesnt have a distinctly male features. He is dismissing this and is calling her "a lying hugboxer".I of course don't want to encourage him to transition as I want to have a life with him and I want to also start a family with him. I am however deeply worried that he will transition at some point, specially because he have mainly bodily dysphoria which isn't that manageable by occasional crossdressing if my information are correct. I am asking to advice what to do and how to help him. Should I direct him to cognitive behavioral therapy or a Psychoanalyses as a ways to cope with gender dysphoria? I am of course also interested in other's experience specially with the ones who have a non transitional partners and how do you handle your relationship.Thanks for your advices in advance and have a lovely day 
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: My Boyfriend is gender dysphoric and I need help
Lilith991,
I had a non-transitioning partner until I divorced him (after 35 years of marriage). Life with him after his declaration of transness and dysphoria was like riding a roller-coaster in an earthquake. Like you, I was committed to the relationship and wanted to do what I could to help him. I researched and analyzed like the academic I am. But in the end, all my care and all my efforts on his behalf were in vain, because I was not in control of his actions, and the bitter truth I had to learn is that their condition is theirs to come to terms with. We are just along for the ride, and even though they may want us riding shotgun that can be a deeply selfish wish on their part and a deeply unhealthy place for us.
You're right to worry about whether "down the road" your partner may have a different perspective on transition than he does currently, especially because he has demonstrated that he is engaged in the cycle of "binge and purge." Although you may wish to help him, his gender dysphoria is his to address, understand, and manage. You would be better served by getting therapy of your own wherein you can discuss your belief that you should "encourage" or "direct" him or "handle" your relationship, and begin to focus on your own needs and values, and learn to set boundaries to protect them.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (August 10, 2020 1:48 pm)