TangledOil wrote:

I was wondering if anyone knows of any online anonymous support groups for committed monogamous MOM couples? I’d be interested in that if there is any such thing. 

 

Tangled...there are Yahoo groups. Google....MMOMW  (Making Mixed Orientation Marriages Work) 
There is a process to be accepted into one

I was rejected

Elle

Thank you. I’m rarely on here. It’s interesting these days really... My husband and I are in a good place, but I find myself with occasional PTSD like symptoms from this process of him revealing he’s bisexual. I have a couple people I met through this group that no longer post here that I correspond with and I find that exceptionally helpful. I’ll look up the ones you mentioned should I feel a need. Thank you again.  

Thank you SusanneH. If you’re interesting in chatting privately feel free to message me. I hope things are going well for you too.  

I got to know of MMOMW end of last year, but it was disappointing to me at the time because it was mostly about the benefits of open relations.
So I didn't feel I had much to contribute when people go for that path in life. It's certainly not my place nor desire to criticize them. Everybody has his/hers own responsibility how they conduct their life.
I could be critical if the straight spouse is loured into an open relation, while it's actually against her/his will. I think it's very sad and unjust when that happens. I don't like that at all.
But the SSN maybe a better starting point to address this issue when it occurs.

To my opinion there is a fundamental difference between monogamous and open relations. This goes much deeper than just the emotional stance of someone in this matter.
Sexuality is not just about having a pleasant exciting time. Sure that´s a possibility, recreational sex when not married and nothing else involved. (still IMO it can get tricky because it's not some neutral emotionless activity). 
It's sharing intimacy, vulnerability, caring. And in marriage it's about sharing this with one special person, in which to give and have it. Excluding all others, this area is specially devoted to each other. 
Like a sanctuary where only two people meet and can be totally open to each other, literary naked and still secure. Trusting yourself to one another. There's more to append, this is already clear enough I think.
To my opinion open relations are violating this beauty and security. Therefore it feels terrible this vulnerable beauty would be broken.

But there is more to it. For I think it unveils a much deeper difference in how someone approaches life in general. For it addresses the fundamental way someone stands in life: Is life about getting your own wishes fulfilled (to the max, if can be), or is one driven by love?
The word love... what does it mean? It's used in so many contexts that it almost became meaningless. For instance, in the Netherlands there is a site/app called "Second Love" specially aimed at married people to commit adultery with other married people. Yeah, right... "Love" ??? ... Love has nothing to do with it whatsoever!

Love is not about getting ones (sexual) wishes fulfilled. No! Love is about giving, being there unconditionally for the other, it's about giving yourself totally. In the interest and importance of the other, striving for the good, bringing out the best in the other (which goes both ways in a real love relation).

I remember a remark on the MMOMW site that was like "someone can't be everything to another" thereby justifying his right to seek "other things" outside marriage.
But why doesn't he question himself, why does he feel he must he have everything? Why is fulfilling everything he wants priority in the first place?
Why is it about "getting" and not about "giving"? Is getting "everything you want" a token of love? Is that really "it" to go for in life?
This is the fundamental difference, the real understanding of the meaning of love. Not being the deprecated and casual meaning of the word as it's used in contemporary society.

It's not loved, if my wife had had a girlfriend next to our marriage, it's just fulfilling her own wishes. It's not loved, if I had had a girlfriend next to our marriage, it's just fulfilling my own wishes. 
Those things would have had nothing to do with love, just seeking own fulfillment. Sure, I could call it "love", but it wouldn't alter the fact. Would it have lifted me to something higher if my wife had encouraged me to do otherwise? Like: "Ah, that poor straight man deserves some real hetero sex..."
That is BS! At the time it would have fulfilled me in some way, but it would have degraded me so much more! Not understanding and living by real love (it's SSN, so I share this perspective, but of course it goes both ways. More usual it's the straight spouse who tends to give in to this crooked reasoning).
We (I & my wife) wouldn't have come nowhere near to where we are now in our marriage if we had chosen our path according to fullfiling our urges. We would have nothing meaningful to speak out about.

Open relations are an 'easy' way out, not a successful MOM, rather a way to happily live together avoiding the real problem. Not the way to let real love rule life. That's my opinion, I don't want to offend or criticize others, for I don't want to do that at all.

Last edited by Dutchman (August 14, 2020 5:35 pm)

Dutchman,

Dutchman wrote:

I got to know of MMOMW end of last year, but it was disappointing to me at the time because it was mostly about the benefits of open relations.

Thank you for your well-written thoughts on this. I joined that group awhile back, and the first set of emails was on that subject exactly. So many (mostly the bi/gay men) were complaining about how their spouses wanted monogamy and it was putting a yoke around their necks and making them miserable. So much complaining.

So, I just had to give my opinion on it, and it's pretty much the same as I did somewhere on this forum. I think I've put it at least partially in several emails because it keeps coming up.
There are a lot of newbies that need help, and I like answering what I can with those. I'm not real experienced, but have enough after all my experiences as well as all the reading I've been doing (I've searched for as much as I can find), that I can at least guide them to someone who can help if I'm not able to. Sometimes I just give support.

I tried to join the monMOMs since it was monogamous MOMs, but nothing is going on there. I posted an email to see if anyone was watching, and got a reply, but that was about it.

thanks again!
(PS... I at least got one part of the quote in ;)  ).

Last edited by SusanneH (August 15, 2020 12:15 pm)