there's some part of us that just understands - it is embarrassing to have been with a gay, nothing blameworthy in it, it's a feeling.  It's something like one's mojo has taken a hit.  I remember thinking I need to leave for myself, to stand up for myself.  If I don't leave I won't have any self respect let alone the respect of others.

It's visceral.  It hurts.

So I'm sitting here thinking about an old friend.  He went through hell with his first wife.  Unaccountably she just turned her back on him after the birth of their first child.  He was sleeping in the basement!  He was being made to feel at fault.  Well I think all this time later I'd like to think we all understand what happened.  Particularly since their child has turned out to be transgender.  

But you know the universe provides.  Some years later and he has a delightful new bride.  She is divorced too, one gathers from an abusive husband.  She's just so charming and seems so understanding and delightful and I am so pleased for him.  And he loves her.  

Well that was a lot of years ago and I have seen the hollowed look in his eyes now.  And I dunno, maybe I have read one too many stories but how can someone do that!  How can she have sat there, listened as he poured out all his pain, and gone ahead and married him knowing full well she is doing the same thing to him all over again.

I don't really understand, other than that she seems like a nice woman.

When family + friends found out that we split up, many of them came right back with the question, "is he gay?"...while there were red flags during our time together, and many things now made sense once I found out he'd been with men, it still hurt each time (still does) when people would ask me that. It made me feel bad that I was so blind, to not see things that other people saw.  But one thing I love(d) about him was that was not a typical man, and had varied interests.  More than embarrassing, it's a hit to my femininity and confidence as a woman.  

You feel how you feel. I believe all of the emotions happen to us during these times.  It's important I feel to recognize your feelings.