Wow.... today I'm just on the verge. I think if it wasn't for this covid thing, I'd be in my car, packed with what is non replaceable and gone. 
Lately I've been dreaming of what life would/will be like on my own. Questioning why I'm still here. I just don't know if I have the strength to carry on this charade. I'm tired, tired of living in his closet, tired of the deceit, his games, his manipulation. Tired of feeling guilty that I secretly just wish he would go away forever. 

Should I stay or should I go. It is the question I keep asking myself. I am 62 years old and I don't want to die alone, but I also want to live. We have been together 10 years, married 7 and he has been in and out of the closet with (only) me for the past 4 years. He has had some very serious surgeries in the past 2 years and I felt the need to stay and care for him, but what about me. He can take care of himself now, but he chooses to be dependent and I guess I allow it. Our marriage has been contractual for awhile now. 

To bring you up to speed, he is gay and a cross dresser and maybe trans, but afraid of what that is so he bounces back and forth. His newest is that he no longer wants to be gay or trans and he just walks around the house in heels because that helps his hip (he has a bone spur). He tends to turn off the true him and goes back into the closet whenever he senses that I'm aggravated with him and his issues and his drama.

Today he came into the living room stark naked saying, I'm all clean and fresh (just showered) want some of this. Now understand, just last night we had a full discussion about how adamant I am about no sex and why. How he can turn his emotions on and off depending on his mood but I can't. I told him, "I cannot remove from my mind you telling me that you are not and never were attracted to me, not just me but any woman, I am just not wired that way." How am I supposed to feel. Then this morning that conversation from last night seems to have never happened. He walks off and I feel guilty.  

I'm just tired. I think now I'm only staying because I don't want him to feel abandoned again, I'm wife #3. He chose to move to the sticks where no one can find out his little secret, or was it to get me away from all my friends. He blamed his last failed marriage on others influencing his ex. Oh geeez, don't ya think it might have something to do with his being "different". 

I don't feel this bitter every day, but it seems to be happening more frequently. Thank you for just listening to me as I rant. I live this hell alone, I have no one to confide in but this board.