I really hope you continue to read everyone’s stories every once in a while.  They may not relate to you right now but they are real and they have been lived through.   My story started out just like yours.  My husband and I were best friends.  I felt sorry for him and couldn’t think to do anything but support him.  He said he would start slow.  I put up boundaries.  They were crossed.  Over and over.   He made me shop for him.    Do things I never thought I would do.  But I supported him.   He started getting happier I started sinking deep into depression.  My future was not what I thought it was going to be.  Everything changed.  I was alone.  He had formed tons of support systems.  I had no one.   Five years later I’m finally climbing out of my pit and realizing my needs and wants.  I’m now blamed that I lied about supporting him because I stayed.  I still support him but this isn’t the marriage I want.  Now it’s all my fault.   Now he says he’s still the same person.  If that’s true then the hell I just went through for all these years was fake.   Please I hope you seriously think about what you need and want.   This isn’t the time to put his needs first.  I hope you read this.   I know you’ll think your situation is going to be different but once he has your support buckle up.....it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

I don't have the experience of a transitioning spouse. People are born not feeling they are the gender they were born into. That is a fact and there is nothing wrong with this fact. It can be changed through surgery, hormones, etc.  Society is starting to accept this happens that but it was unwelcome for a long time. It's not fair for the transitioning people who had to live with a culture that disdained them or spouses who unwittingly married these people.

This type of journey is a sea change. It's profound and serious.  I wonder if therapists give incorrect advice to the transitioning and to partners.  I was given the happy path or happy ending from therapists almost always in other areas. It didn't match what really happened.

I hope the OP returns.
 

OutofHisCloset wrote:

If the OP does come back, it's clear she belongs in the MOM section.  

And MJM, no one can change their sex, whether through surgery or hormones.  A person can feminize or masculinize him- or her-self, but every cell in the body is marked male or female.  You can live either more or less successfully as the opposite sex, but you won't become the opposite sex.  The mismatch between being and feeling is in the mind, not in the biology.  

Hi OOHC, It is called a sex change & that's why I called it that. Thanks for explaining this.

I wondered above if spouses initial decision to stay together and support this is persuasion by a psychotherapist?  If you fit in an unusual group (my cluster B personality disordered parent,, for example), the help is pretty bad.  I've been led down the happy path -we'll get you handling this better! - and become miserable, confused and poorer.  Low contact and practicing gray rock with them is the only methods which have saved my sanity. That's what I did by instinct before therapy. I was persuaded that was not the right thing. I wish I could get my thousands of $s returned, but my state does not regulate treatment practices.

Reading your posts, Leslie's and others, is heartbreaking. Psychotherapists should warn patients your experiences are the most likely outcome if one stays.  I wonder if therapists are encouraging those who innately feel gender dysphoria to do whatever they desire to help their transition regardless of financial consequences (laser hair removal, expensive clothing, multiple elective surgeries, etc.), and undervaluing partner complaints.  This just adds on to the narcissistic behavior that goes along with TGT.

I wish psychotherapy would trade rote techniques, psychobabble and political agendas for reality.

P.S. Maybe the OP is one of the lucky ones where her partner is a stable, loving person. It seems to be in the minorty, but it can happen. Or, she is confused and angry at this and it's difficult to admit. Thus, here last post...

Last edited by MJM017 (August 5, 2020 8:16 pm)