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1 - perm24
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Do I wait or do I divorce?
About a month ago, my wife started getting distant and then we got in a fight when she went out and stayed at the bar way longer than normal. I sensed something was up so I pulled up there to find a clearly lesbian woman in her car parked. Nothing was happening. We fought later and she all of a sudden starts bringing up past relationship problems we’ve had that she said she swept under the rug and moved on. In the last few weeks she was spending a lot of time with this coworker I might add. The call logs were about 3-4 hours a day, they would meet and swap cars since I had gps on her car. Ended up hiring a PI to confirm they were having a sexual relationship and they were. She doesn’t confirm or deny but seems to have no remorse. Right now she’s seeing a counselor but I assume it’s about her feelings for a girl all of a sudden. She has messed around with woman in the past a little like strip clubs and whatever but could never see her dating a woman. Especially in the small conservative area we live in. Right now she wants me to sit back and play house with our 2 kids while she “figures things out”. I have so much anger and resentment that it is almost impossible to look at her. She also makes very little eye contact. She says she wont hang out with her until we figure things out, but she works with her so how would could I ever trust her? I should probably add that she is 34 years old and also is talking about how she feels like she has missed out on so much. Sounds like a mid life crisis since during our relationship all i did was support everything shes done. She has a lot of family issues and has basically abandoned every friend shes ever had. I believe this girl has almost brainwashed her into her new thought process.
Last edited by perm24 (July 22, 2020 12:25 pm)
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Do I wait or do I divorce?
Your wife is cheating on you. Woman, man, doesn't matter. She's cheating.
Go to Chumplady.com for some straight up advice.
And use the search feature here to look for posts by "Blue Bear"
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 22, 2020 12:44 pm)
- Victo
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Re: Do I wait or do I divorce?
post removed. apologies.
Last edited by Victo (July 22, 2020 2:34 pm)
- phoenix
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Re: Do I wait or do I divorce?
Hi perm24, Welcome to the forum. I know exactly how it feels to discover your wife cheating on you with another women. I lived through it.
For the record, I think when you believe your spouse is cheating, you have every right to snoop and investigate to find the truth. I don't consider that to be controlling.
As to your question about waiting it out vs divorcing. I guess I have to answer your question with more questions.
1.) Do you want to continue being married to a liar and cheater?
2.) Do you think you can regain that trust to a point where you won't live the rest of your life in paranoia?
3.) Do you think that once the lesbian "cat is out of the bag" it can ever be put back in?
I think the collective wisdom and experience of this forum would tell you that in almost 100% of cases closet gay and lesbians come out and stay out the rest of their lives. Some get a taste of the reality of life and try to hide it and love bomb their spouse to take them back, but that is always fake.
Now that you have seen the truth about your wife, you know what the future holds. As much as you want to pretend she is the heterosexual woman you thought you married.. she is not. You wish she will chose you and find a way to be attracted to you, but she's a lesbian and she won't.
Some people can accept the new dynamic of their relationship and both parties can chose to remain married and make it work. Some do it for their kids. Some find a way to have an open relationship and remain bonded in a friendship and want to live life together. Most don't.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- perm24
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Re: Do I wait or do I divorce?
Yeh, Ive read alot from the members and blue bear. He gives alot of great advice like yourself. Hard coming to terms with some of that. At different points in our relationship I encouraged a threeway with a girl and she always seemed like she really wasnt into or just a whatever if it happens it happens type thing. I have no idea whats in her head and Im not sure she does either. Either way, Ive learned trying to wonder what shes thinking and feeling is only driving me more crazy. I am trying to learn to focus on myself and the things that I can change.
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Thread Starter- perm24
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Re: Do I wait or do I divorce?
Going to see a lawyer this morning. I'm torn on it but i dont know what other options I have.
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Thread Starter- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Do I wait or do I divorce?
Going to see a lawyer doesn't have to be an irrevocable move to divorce. It does, however, give you more information, which helps you understand your options, which allows you to make an informed decision and plot a course--and that gives you back a feeling of control over what feels like something that is out of your control now.
All best.
- Terracotta
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Re: Do I wait or do I divorce?
Hi Perm24,
First of all, I am sorry you are going through this tough situation,
Second, everyone has a different approach to similar situations. I am not going to beat around the bush. Go ahead and divorce. I feel that it will be a better solution according to my own experience.
I stayed friends with my now trans ex for 3 years after divorce (I divorced pretty quickly) because I thought I should be "supporting" him as he had gender dysphoria and eating disorder as a topping. Everything looked normal and socially correct if I stayed friends and supported them, but I never realized I was actually fooling myself and I didn't think I was preventing myself from moving on. In the end, I got depressed and was forced to distance myself (almost there, slowly cutting ties). Even with this little effort of distancing, my mood lifted.
So you see it's very easy to make yourself believe that everything is OK.
I would suggest you, to be honest to yourself no matter what, this will make your decision making less painful and relatively easier.
Hang in there, and we are here to support. Please update us.
- MJM017
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Re: Do I wait or do I divorce?
Hello perm24,
Welcome to the group that no one wants to be a part of. Hope the consultation with the attorney went well. If you don't have this plan, it's good to interview a number of them. I had the same experience OOHC states - I gained some control over the situation. It gave me the courage to go ahead with the divorce. I am never sorry I divorced. I am sorry I didn't do it earlier and am sorrier I ever married the guy.
Please post when you need to. We've been there and have become stronger for it!
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- broomhilda2
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Re: Do I wait or do I divorce?
Hello, Perm
I’m sorry to read your story. I’m 6 years post disclosure and trying to get ready to divorce. Like others, I wish I’d done it sooner.
I was wondering if you’d mind posting an update with the lawyer? Just curious if they gave you some guidance about what you should be getting in order to protect yourself ?
-Broom